Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.



Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using apaper towel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because thenumber one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (althoughcell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in theglue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelopethat needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking outfor me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a waterbuffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forwardan email to seven of my friends and make a wishwithin five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the carso a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas..

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make theseproducts are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwaveanymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be prickedwith a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfumesample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support ourAmerican troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a numberfor which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda & Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in theparking lot because it probably was placed there bya sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[Jack4343]

A guy moves out to the country. His neighbor pulls up on his tractor and invites him to a party next Saturday. "First, they'll be some cussing. Then there will be some fighting. Finally there will be some screwing." The new guy says "Sounds great, who'll be there?" The neighbor responds "Just you and me."

[moreluck]

And then the fight started......

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....


************************************************** ******

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.

************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** **********

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

[Big Babooba]

GOOD
In Haverhill, MA a State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect
spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered
the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand
painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a
young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a
bucket full of money. (Beats a lemonade stand!)


BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Bradford, MA. A $40.00 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of
$40.00. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Groveland, MA for speeding. As the
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Massachusetts
State Police Ball.' He replied, 'MA State Troopers don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[moreluck]

Bible

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

[moreluck]

The Italian Nursing Home

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather

(Abuelo) in a nursing home.

All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.


After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.




'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says
grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.

Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'

'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'

'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!'

'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fricking Mexican'

[moreluck]

Medical Records.........

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid)
a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

[moreluck]

For all of us who are seniors---

for all of you who know seniors---

and for all of you who will be seniors.

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!



Where Is My Paper?

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly

demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not

delivered 'til Sunday.

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.


'So that's why no one was in church today.'

[traveler]

LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed
for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?

'The friend said, 'I think he means her legs.'

[moreluck]

A New Way to Decide an Election............

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.


Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.


After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .


There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.


Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.


At the end of the 2nd day McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.


That evening, Harry Reid & Nancy Pelosi got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, We think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun.

Go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.
'

The next night (after McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?' Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.
'

[moreluck]

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it to ya.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things ' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to menuntil they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
--- ----------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[dilligaf]

How to properly place new employees.

1. Put 400 bricks in a room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back 6 hours later.
4. Then analyze the situation.

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Dep't.
b. If they are re-counting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Recources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can niether be seen or heard from, put them in Congress.

[moreluck]

Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you,
what have you done wrong?

A: Made her chain too long.

[moreluck]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

>BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change !
The chicken wanted change !

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure
right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after
the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taki ng on his current problems before
adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this
road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take
falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he
can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the
chickens.

NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see
it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the Farmer's Marke t to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes,
the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken
should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, a nd that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of
how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE