Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[moreluck]

YOU DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THESE!

From your family doctor: "Well, do you want to first hear the bad news or the worst news?"

Fom your dentist: "Hey, this is great...my first quadruple root canal! And, in a year, we're looking at upper and lower dentures!"

From your optometrist: "Just between you and me, the lenses are only 50 bucks. But, we get you on the 350 bucks for the currently-in-style frames! Not bad, huh!"

From your home contractor: "Look...it's very smple. We can get your house back to normal for 50,000 bucks, or, tear down the disaster and build a new house. You know the lot's worth a half million bucks, so the house will cost you peanuts!"

From your auto dealer: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry...your 100,000 mile warranty ran out 5 days ago. I'm afraid you may now have a "junker" on your hands. Tough luck, huh?"

From your auto garage: "Just what I thought...engine's gone, transmission is shot, and the underchassis is corroded everywhere. I can fix it all for only 5 grand. Whatdya say? Not a bad deal. Right?!"

From your psychotherapist: "You're basically all screwed up. Were your parents bizarre? I'm afraid we're looking at 3 years of weekly therapy sessions. We can start today with your trying to understand your cat."

From a car dealer's hot shot saleperson: "Hey bud, this is your lucky day and this baby you're lookin' at is LOADED! And, I can ask my boss to get you 35% off sticker. Can't beat that anywhere in town!"

From your hair stylist: "Oh, there I go again! I gave you a really short crew cut and you only asked for a trim. C'mon, laugh! Hah! Don't worry honey! That hair will be back in only 4 months. Now, you feel better. Right?"

Computer Dating/Matching Service: "We're sorry. We're returning your $100 membership fee. We scanned our 275,000 female members three times and could not find any match. Please accept our apologies. Perhaps, another dating service will serve your needs better. Have a wonderful life!"

At the movies: "You just missed the last two tickets, but if you're both night owls, our next showing is at 12:30 AM and you'll probably have the theater all to yourselves! So, nobody can block you!"

From your health department: "This is an automated call. Your credit card shows you ate at Mabel's Home Cooking yesterday. Please go to an emergency center, or, better yet, a trauma center at a hospital, and, as soon as possible. You may have contracted Mungofilio's Disease. Please note that without prompt medical attention, you may be dead within 12-15 hours of this call. Have a nice day!"

From your termite inspection service: "Yup, dem termites got you bad. My advice...tear down this house of holes and sell the 'exotic, light, porous wood.' Then, build another house or move. Just remember, at Quickie Mickey's Exterminators, we give you the news fast, whether it's good or bad!"

From your favorite ice cream shop: "Sorry folks...only half-melted vanilla today. Our freezers conked out. We did salvage the vanilla, though. Hey, where are you going?! (Yelling) It still tastes good!"

From your watch repair shop: "Well, the battery's got 2 more years on it. But that $700 Swiss piece of junk watch needs to go into the trash. Here! At least, save the battery!"

From your shoe repair place: "Like I told you; the repair to put on new heels and soles...they're a single unit, is 95 bucks plus tax. I don't care if you paid 80 for the shoes. Do you want me to repair them or what? What? Don't you talk? Hey, don't leave! I'll knock off 5 bucks!

[moreluck]

LITTLE KNOWN ILLNESSES......

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

ASPECT: What you get when you bend over in a chicken coop.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success by sucking up to the boss rather than working for it.

BAGGRAVATION, n. A feeling of annoyance and anger one endures at the airport when his/her bags have not arrived at the baggage carousel but everyone else's bags have.

BLAMPS: This is a wicked combination of bloating and cramps.

CAMPAIGN: Back ache from sleeping too long in a tent.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

DEPOTPHOBIA: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend.

HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

KINSTIRPATION: (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

AND.......... DOCTORS Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

OPTHALMOLOGIST'S office – Site for sore eyes

[moreluck]

The Olympics at their best!!!

[moreluck]

A family was celebrating their daughter's fifth birthday at a local restaurant when the little girl's father noticed her looking sadly at a moose head on the wall. Someone had placed a party hat on its head. Her father knelt beside her and explained why some people hunt animals.

"I know all that," the child sobbed. "But why did they have to shoot him at his birthday party?"

[moreluck]

Natural Disasters ??

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said: "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

Puzzled, the lawyer asked: "How do you start a flood?"

[moreluck]

Sarah Palin was slammed by environmentalists for her record on wildlife issues Friday because the governor favors shooting wolves from the air. In Alaska they call that predator control. In the Democratic Party it's called keeping an eye on Bill.

GOP convention delegates gathering in Minnesota Friday were overjoyed by Sarah Palin's selection. It fit the party's most pressing need this week. They had to have a candidate with no risk of being arrested in the Minneapolis airport men's room.

Sarah Palin's choice Friday let the GOP match the Democratic ticket for exotic appeal. She's from Alaska and Barack Obama's from Hawaii. It's a chance for the Libertarian party to advertise Bob Barr as the candidate of the Lower Forty-Eight

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE...........

I met this guy while I was in Albuquerque and he has a motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and live by these 4 rules: Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie. I was shaking my head 'no', but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules.

So here they are:

1.. "Drink" from the "everlasting cup" every day.

2.. "Steal" a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are..

3.. "Swear" that you will be a better person today than yesterday.

4.. And last, but not least, when you "lie" down at night Thank God you live in America and have freedom.

I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be, but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be!

[moreluck]

WEATHER FOLKLORE..........

If crows fly low, winds going to blow; If crows fly high, winds going to die.

Whether it’s cold or whether it’s hot... We shall have weather, whether or not!

No weather is ill, if the wind is still.

NEWS and weather…they travel together.

A sunshiny shower won’t last half an hour.

Rain, rain go away...come back another day.

Clear moon, frost soon.

The moon and the weather may change together but change of the moon does not change the weather.

From twelve ‘til two tells what the day will do.

The more rain, the more rest...fair weather’s not always best.

When sea birds fly to land there truly is a storm at hand.

To talk of the weather is nothing but folly; when it rains on the hill, it suns in the valley.

It rains as long as it takes rain to come.

The sharper the blast, the sooner it’s past.

Yellow streaks in sunset sky, wind and daylong rain is nigh.

Year of snow, fruit will grow.

The chill is on, near and far, in all the months that have an ‘R’.

Rainbow at noon, more rain soon.

The south wind brings wet weather...the north wind, wet and cold together; the west wind always brings us rain...the east wind blows it back again.

When a cow tries to scratch her ear it means a shower is very near.

Onionskin is very thin, mild winter is coming in. Onionskin is thick and tough winter will be cold and rough.

Ice in November to walk a duck, the winter will be all rain and muck.

Rain before seven, quit by eleven.

When the stars begin to huddle the earth will soon begin to puddle.

Evening red and morning gray speed the traveler on his way. Evening gray and morning red bring down rain upon his head.

Rainbow in the east, sailors at peace. Rainbow in the west, sailors in distress.

Pale moon doth rain, red moon doth blow, white moon doth neither rain nor snow.

When the dew is on the grass, rain will never come to pass.

Rainbow in the morning, shepherds take warning; rainbow at night, shepherds’ delight.

[moreluck]

Baby's First Doctor Visit..........


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know, she said,I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came."

[moreluck]

You May Be A Redneck If...

* You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

* You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

* You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

* You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

* You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

* You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.

* You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.

* You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

[moreluck]

Childbirth at 65 .......


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait unti l he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[moreluck]

Returning home from basic training, our friend's son told us about some of the interesting people he'd met, including one guy nicknamed Airborne.

"Do the guys call him Airborne because he wants to be a paratrooper?" his mother asked.

"No, that's not it," said her son. "He got that name because on his first night, he fell out of the bunk."

[moreluck]

CRUISE........

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After awhile, Bob and Tom�s resistance to nature�s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.

[moreluck]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES:

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:



When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:





A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:



A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:


A woman has the last word in any argument.

• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[moreluck]

KidsAre Quick
______________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
______________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said its H to O.
______________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington