Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

OLD IS WONDERFUL...Let Us Take Note ...

that it is the old apple trees that are decked with the loveliest blossoms,

that it is the ancient redwoods that rise to majestic heights,

that it is the old violins that produce the richest tones,

that it is the oldest wine that tastes the sweetest,

that it is the ancient coins, old stamps and antique furniture that many eagerly seek,

that it is when the day is old and far spent

that it displays the beauteous colors of sunset,

that it is when the year is old and has run its course

that mother nature transforms the world into a fairyland of snow,

that old friends are the dearest and it's the old people who have been loved by God for a long, long time.

Thank God for the blessings of old age, its faith, it's love, it's hope,it's patience, it's wisdom, it's experience, it's maturity.

When all is said and done, Old Is Wonderful!

~ Sr. M. Gemma Brunke

[moreluck]

In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own. One day, after parking her car across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in. She made her purchase and then asked, "Do you give validation?" Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair."

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck if....

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You've ever worn shorts and a T-shirt to a funeral home.

You ever had to remove a toothpick from your mouth to take wedding pictures.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Mr or Ms Right'

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

[moreluck]

"He's the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you." --Adam Christing

"You wouldn't be intelligent enough to understand anything that I would be stupid enough to tell you anyways." --Bill Merrill

"I think of life as a good book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to make sense." (Harold S. Kushner)

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows." (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers." (Doug Larson)

[moreluck]

Old age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now,

probably for the first time in my life,

the person I have always wanted to be.

Oh, not my body!

I sometimes despair over my body ...

the wrinkles,

the baggy eyes,

and the sagging butt.

And often I am taken aback by that old person

that lives in my mirror,

but I don't agonize over those things for long.



I would never trade my amazing friends,

my wonderful life,

my loving family

for less gray hair or a flatter belly.

As I've aged,

I've become more kind to myself,

and less critical of myself.

I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie,

or for not making my bed,

or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need,

but looks so avant-garde on my patio.

I am entitled to overeat,

to be messy,

to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends

leave this world too soon;

before they understood the great freedom

that comes with aging.

Whose business is it

if I choose to read

or play on the computer until 4 a.m.,

and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself

to those wonderful tunes of the 60's,

and if I,

at the same time,

wish to weep over a lost love...

I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit

that is stretched over a bulging body,

and will dive into the waves

with abandon if I choose to,

despite the pitying glances

from the bikini set.

They, too, will get old.




I know I am sometimes forgetful.

But there again,

some of life is just as well forgotten ...

and I eventually remember

the important things.




Sure,

over the years,

my heart has been broken.

How can your heart not break

when you lose a loved one,

or when a child suffers,

or even when a beloved pet

gets hit by a car?



But broken hearts are what give us

strength

and understanding

and compassion.

A heart never broken is

pristine

and sterile

and will never know the joy

of being imperfect.

I am so blessed

to have lived long enough

to have my hair turn gray,

and to have my youthful laughs

be forever etched

into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed,

and so many have died

before their hair could turn silver.

I can say "no", and mean it.

I can say "yes", and mean it.




As you get older,

it is easier to be positive.

You care less about what other people think.

I don't question myself anymore.

I've even earned the right to be wrong.



So,

to answer your question,

I like being old.

It has set me free.

I like the person I have become.

I am not going to live forever,

but while I am still here,

I will not waste time

lamenting what could have been,

or worrying about what will be.

And I shall eat dessert every single day.

[moreluck]

"I have learned a great deal about myself from my Inbox. According to my junk e-mail, I'm bald, impotent and in need of constant refinancing."

"Life's greatest pleasures are the simple ones, like seeing the driver who cut ahead of you on the freeway pulled over by the police 3 miles down the road."

Baseball is easier than golf. In baseball, you hit the ball and someone else chases it.

[moreluck]

Free What?

I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale.

"I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read 'free cocktail with dinner!' The 'cocktail' was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!"

"Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?"

"Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I'm harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-"

"Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there."

"I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!"

"Oh, I see..." I thought a minute. "Which half?"

"Don't make no difference!" he wailed.

[moreluck]

"Every problem has a solution - unfortunately sometimes the solution is worse than the problem. "

"Though I'm grateful for the blessings of wealth, it hasn't changed who I am. My feet are still on the ground. I'm just wearing better shoes." (Oprah Winfrey) <yeah, right!>

"Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains."

"Both your friend and your enemy think you will never die."

[moreluck]

"Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it."

"Whatever you are ,be a good one." (Abraham Lincoln)

"More folks would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying they made them."

[moreluck]

JUNE ALLYSON (October 7, 1917--July 8, 2006)

QUOTE: "The first day I arrived they told me to go home and get rid of that cold."

[moreluck]

A minister told his congregation that there were 739 different sins. He has already received 73 requests for the list.

An elementary school student came home with a science paper that he had received a 'zero' on. When asked to explain what it was, the child replied, "The teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon!"

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn." (Alvin Toffler)

[moreluck]

English ...

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for
granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor
is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2
indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and
send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill
in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is
why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this

There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting,
why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has
real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP
an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be
dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper
uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary,
it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty
definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the
many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't
give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain,
we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP,
so........... Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning &the last thing you do at
night? U-P

[moreluck]

"So the World Cup is over and now we can finally get back to our national pastime, which is not watching soccer." --Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday night most virile young men go out to sow their wild oats. And then go to Church the next day to pray for a crop failure !!.

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. --Jan King

[moreluck]

Failure ...

You've failed many times, although you may not remember. You fell down the first time you walked. You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim. Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat? Heavy hitters, the one who hit the most home runs, also strike out the most. Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, but he also hit 714 home runs. R.H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York caught on. Don't worry about failure. Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try. (United Technologies-Wall Street Journal ad.)

[moreluck]

Really Fast Plane ....

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, a man inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. "One leaves at 1 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" the man asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said the man, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off!"

[moreluck]

"There are only two ways to be rich: have much, or be content with little."

"There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them. " ~Joseph Alexandrovitch Brodsky

Remember when you see a man at the top of a mountain, he didn't fall there.

The daily grind of hard work gets a person polished.

[moreluck]

One Man's Junk.....

Preparing for a garage sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we'd received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish aqua colored metal frame we just couldn't find a room in our house where it looked good. Shortly after the garage sale started, a man looking to decorate his apartment bought it for one dollar.

"This is a great deal," he said excitedly." It still has the plastic on it."

Then he peeled off the aqua colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful gold finished frame.

[moreluck]

Golf Scam...

A foursome of boys around 14 years old were playing golf behind my husband and his friend Ed. Ed wasn't having much luck avoiding the hazards, and it seemed each time he lost a ball, one of the lads from the group behind caught up and offered to sell him one. Even though he had a good supply of balls, Ed thought the kid was enterprising, so he bought them. When Ed was putting his clubs in the car after the game, he noticed a hole in the pocket of his bag-and realized the golf balls he had been buying were his own.

[moreluck]

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Wanna drive your wife crazy? Don't talk in your sleep; just lay there and smile.

"Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it." (Stanislaw Lec)

"There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there." (Colonel Sanders)

[paganpink]

If you're not a liberal when you're young, you have no heart.If you're not a conservative when you're old, you have no brain! Samuel Clemons (Mark Twain)

[moreluck]

"If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed down hill."

"Never go to bed mad.....stay up and plot your revenge."

"It can take a man several marriages to understand the importance of monogamy."

"If you don't know, ask. You will be a fool for the moment, but a wise person the rest of your life."

[moreluck]

Rules to be President ....

An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States.

After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural- born citizen. One of the students raised her hand, "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"

[moreluck]

We have a typist who is 44-24-36. She's an expert at touch typing. She has to be. She can't see the keys!

"If your plan is for one year, plant rice; If your plan is for ten years, plant trees; If your plan is for a hundred years, Educate children". (Confucius)

"People with great minds talk about ideas. People with average minds talk about events. People with small minds talk about other people." (Ann Landers)

[moreluck]

ROAD SIGNS

On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a 'Road Closed' sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and continued on. But he didn't get very far. The pavement ended, giving way to another, larger sign: "What Part of 'Road Closed' Didn't You Understand?"

[moreluck]

ALL MIXED UP

Dear Friend: Just a line to say I'm living…
That I'm not among the dead, Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head.
I got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures I'm resigned,
I can manage my bifocals,
But Lord… how I miss my mind!!!
Sometimes I can't remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs.
If I must go up for something…
Or if I've just come down from there,
I stand before the fridge at times,
My poor mind filled with doubt,
Have I come to put food away,
Or come to take some out?
There are times when it is dark out,
And with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring…
Or just getting out of bed.
So if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need for getting sore,
I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore.
I do know that I miss you
And wish that you were near.
And now it's nearly mail time
So I must say goodbye, my dear.
Now I'm standing beside the mail box
With a face so red,
Instead of mailing you my letter …
I have opened it instead!!!
~Author Unknown~