Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

If you don't send this to five friends right away, There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

[moreluck]

Men Can Never Win......

- If you work too hard, you re not spending enough time with her. If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

- If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

- If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

- If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

- If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you re a slob.

- If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

- If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.

[moreluck]

Ways to Tell if Someone is From Seattle

• Knows at least three Microsoft burnouts, of which two are millionaires.
• Uses more than 5 words [a unique vocabulary] to order a cup of coffee. "I want to order an unleaded, double, short, skinny, wet cappuccino with a shot of Amaretto please."

• 
  
• Designer' wardrobe comes from REI, Eddie Bauer, Lands End, and Birkenstock.
  
• Considers it a sunny day if the sun is visible at some point of the day. On Average, Seattle has less than 3 SUNNY days in February.
  
• Feels guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash, instead of a recycle bin.
  
• Stands on a deserted street corner in the rain, waiting for the light to say walk. Did you know that Seattle police issue over 2500 citations a year to pedestrians jaywalking in downtown Seattle? Well, Seattleites can follow the "Don't Walk" lights to extremes. Once, while I was crossing the street, the "Walk" light started flashing "Don't Walk" just as I reached the middle of the intersection. Would you believe, the pedestrian right beside me turned around, and walked back to the corner we started from!
  
• Have been "snow" skiing in the RAIN more than in the snow.
  
• When discussing rainforests and volcanoes, NOT talking about Hawaii.
  
• Groans when Seattle gets listed as one of the best places to live. At all costs, Seattleites do NOT want to encourage ANY MORE people to move to Seattle.
  
• Takes an umbrella wherever they go!

[moreluck]

The Geography Of A Woman

·Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!


·Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.


· Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


·Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


·Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.


·Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.


·Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.


·After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

**The Geography Of A Man

.Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....

[moreluck]

Nutritious Eating........

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

I now have a whole new outlook on life.

[moreluck]

Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special -- it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out: "Do you speak English?" asks Moshe.

"Yes," replies the parrot.

"Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe."Si," replies the parrot.

"Parlez-vouz Fransais?" asks Moshe."Oui," replies the parrot.

"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe."Jawohl," replies the parrot.

"Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe."Sim," replies the parrot.

Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot,"Do you speak Yiddish?"

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says,"Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"

[moreluck]

Subject: Australian Humor

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching  them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad ;tracks (Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North inAustralia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which Is...
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
;Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasma nia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
;A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australiain 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Big Babooba]

Caution... They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they alsoreproduce!!!!

[moreluck]

A Dollar A Point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

[moreluck]

Make Me A Stud!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but
you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above
the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of
what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He
asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Idaho."

[moreluck]

Bank Robbery in Texas

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Texas Bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot a brave Texas customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots this brave Texan without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone else, by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

The Robber calls out, "Did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments silence, and then an old man, while still looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have
caught a glimpse of you."

[moreluck]

Cursing at work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__..

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING : I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

[moreluck]

An Irishman walked into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender asked, "Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?" "Aye", said the Irishman. "It's driving me nuts."

[moreluck]

A POP QUIZ

Fill in the blanks.....

1. The first toaster pastries were called “___ Tarts.”

2. ___ Warner Football

3. Mom & ___ stores

4. “___ Goes the Weasel”

5. Rice Krispies go “Snap, Crackle, ___”

6. Jiffy ___ ___corn

7. Ice cold ___cicles

8. Southern four soda water: Soda ___.

9. Boston ___s Orchestra

[moreluck]

Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:

Commander - Whoever starts the unit.

Second in Command - His best friend

Auxiliary Commander - His wife

Captain - New guy

Militia Headquarters - The basement of whoever has the fax machine.

Squad - Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

[moreluck]

Hark I Hear A Cannon....

The actor's agent finally gets him a part. It is only one line - "Hark I hear a cannon." He practices the line and tells his parents and friends he has a part and his role has him say - Hark I hear a cannon.
When he arrives at the theater the guard asks who he is. He replies the guy who says - Hark I hear a cannon. The guard let's him in.
The makeup people also want to know who he is and he says I am the guy who says- Hark I hear a cannon.
He gets the cue to go on stage. The cannon goes off and he says - what the hell was that!

[moreluck]

I Am Thankful..........


I AM THANKFUL: FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.


FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE


FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEYBECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.


FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.


FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALAR M THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.



Live well, Laugh often, & Love with

all of your heart!

[moreluck]

The 11th Husband


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing;even though he knew he had theorder, .he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."

[moreluck]

NEW WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

English, the second most spoken language in the world (Mandarin being the most spoken), has more words than any other language. But English speakers generally use only about 1% of the language. About one third of the more than one million English words are technical terms. Still, every decade new words are added to the English language. Here are some of them...

1940's...ack-ack, apartheid, atom bomb, baby-sit, barf, bazooka, cheeseburger, crash-land, flying saucer, gobbledygook

1950's...aerospace, alphanumeric, brainstorming, car wash, cha- cha, digitize, do-it-yourself, ethnohistory, in-house, meter maid

1960's...area code, ASCII, biohazard, Brownie point, crib death, doofus, disco, glitch, microwave oven, Op-Ed, sexism

1970's...airhead, bean counter, biofeedback, deadbeat dad, diskette, electronic mail, junk food, gentrify, surrogate mother

1980's...AIDS, boom box, caller ID, channel surf, cyberpunk, dis, fragile X syndrome, greenmail, sandwich generation, trophy wife, voice mail, wannabe

1990's...anatomically correct, bad hair day, brux, digerati, granny dumping, medicide, netnanny, olestra, soccer mom, step aerobics, uptalk, World Wide Web

[moreluck]

Just My Luck....

I was shopping in an arts and crafts store, where a friend of mine worked, for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes.
My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime, having moderate success.
She asked me if I had gotten thinner. I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds.
She rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner

[moreluck]

As income tax
time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two
words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?

[moreluck]

Fraternity House Visit.....

A man travelling on a business trip was passing through his son's college town late one night and decided to pay him a surprise visit.

He arrived at his son's fraternity house, but since it was quite late, he had to knock for some time before getting a response. Finally, a sleepy voice could be heard from the upstairs window.
"Who is it?" the voice asked. "Hello!" the father called out. "Is this where Steven Brady lives?" "Yeah! Just dump him on the porch. We'll get him in the morning," the voice replied.

[Big Babooba]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

[moreluck]

Customer Service.....

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

[moreluck]

IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.....


Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't
know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed
up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on,
I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the
word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you
watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going
to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I
have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I
had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite:
'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch
together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our
headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all
the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve
toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet...
We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and
the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all
we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I
plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to
adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her
enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and
you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an
elevator for a bungee cord..

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream.
It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a
spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car
and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I
would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not
something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one
phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why
are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to
you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the
rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butter fly's erratic flight or
gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores
running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it
tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a
good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened
gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the music
before the song is over.
It's National Friendship Week.. Show your friends how much you care.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then
you'll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate
all you do.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we
might as well dance!