Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Unusual Laws
"No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit" (West Virginia).


In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.


Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.


Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.


Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)


"Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited" (California).


It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.


"It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing." (Texas)


An ancient law in Indonesia prohibited men from masturbating. The punishment was decapitation.


It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (Alabama)


In ancient Rome, people found guilty of murdering their fathers were executed in a bizarre manner. The punishment was to be put in a sack with a rooster, a viper, and a dog, then drowned along with all three animals.


In Colombia, if a Goajiro woman is successful in tripping a man during a ceremonial dance, he's required to have intercourse with her.


When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.


In Arkansas, law states that the name must be pronounced "Arkansaw".


Early in 1975, the U.S. Senate actually voted on the following:
"A motion to table a motion to reconsider a vote to table an appeal of a ruling that a point of order was not in order against a motion to table another point of order against a motion to bring to a vote the motion to call up the resolution that would institute a rules change."


It's illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.


"It is illegal to give a drink of water to anyone unless you have a permit" (New York).


"It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water." (Arizona)


It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.


In July 1981, a tortoise was sentenced to death for murder. Tribal elders in Kyuasini, a village in Kenya, formally condemned the tortoise because they suspected it of causing the death of six people, apparently through magic. However, because none of the villagers was prepared to risk the tortoise's wrath by carrying out the execution, it was instead chained to a tree. The tortoise was later freed after the government promised an official inquiry into the deaths.


In Turkey during the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.


An Athens legislator named Solon passed a law in the 6th century that let fathers sell their fornicating daughters into slavery.


It was the law in Scotland in 1288 that for each year known as "lepe yeare" any maiden lady could ask the man she liked to be her husband. If he refused and didn't have a good excuse he would be "mulcted of ye sum of one pound or less" (essentially, he would owe her a dollar). France enacted a similar law a year later.


At one time, there was a law in India that forbade lower-caste people from casting their shadows on a member of the Brahman (the upper class).


After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. (Maine)


In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become one year older on New Year’s Day.


'Turtle racing is prohibited within the city limits" (Florida).


Citizens of Monaco are prohibited from gambling in Monte Carlo, but they're exempt from taxation.


It's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle in London.


"It is illegal to lasso a fish" (Tennessee).


In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts ordered that anybody caught feasting or laying off from work, or in any other way goofing off on any other day other than Christmas, would be fined five shillings for each such offense.


Rapists in Nambia can choose either castration or 20 years of hard labor.


"It is against the law to advertise on tombstones" (Virginia).


"Dogcatchers are required to be psychoanalyzed by a psychiatrist to determine if they are qualified to chase stray mutts" (Texas).


Up until the early 20th century, New Jersey and Wisconsin had laws allowing the castration of epileptics.


Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.

[moreluck]

Subject: Advanced Medicine


An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference , "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

The German doctor stood up and said, ' Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks"

The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well" he said "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an azzhole out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and have 10 million people looking for work in only 1 week!"

[moreluck]

THE BEST WAY.......

PATIENT: What's the best way to cure acid indigestion? DOCTOR: Stop drinking acid.

PATIENT: What's the best way to avoid fallen arches? DOCTOR: Get out of the way.

PATIENT: What's the best way to prevent wrinkles? DOCTOR: Don't sleep in your clothes.

PATIENT: What's the best way to keep from getting fat in certain places? DOCTOR: Stay out of those places!

[moreluck]

BOOKSHELF...........

Mountain Climbing by Cliff Hanger

Growing Spices by Herb Gardner

Living in the Woods by Sir Vyval

Cookouts Italian Style by Liz Anya, Manny Cotie, Minna Stroney, and Lynne Gweeny

[moreluck]

The Perks of Being Over 50...

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

[moreluck]

The Chocolate Rabbit

I got a chocolate rabbit

For an Easter treat,

A great big chocolate rabbit

Good enough to eat.

So I ate his ears on Sunday,

His nose I finished Monday,

Tuesday I nibbled on his feet.

I ate his tail Wednesday

Thursday I kept on,

By Friday he was going,

Saturday he was gone.

Oh, I loved my chocolate rabbit,

From the moment that he came,

And if I ever get another one,

I'll love him just the same.

[moreluck]

2009 Government Bonds...........

Merrill Lynch has announced it is issuing three new bonds for 2009:

1. The Lewinsky Bond, which has no maturity.
2. The Gore Bond, which has no interest.
3. The Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

[moreluck]

YOU'RE IN SUCH BAD SHAPE! HOW BAD IS IT?

You're in such bad shape, you breathe hard when your stocking runs.

You're in such bad shape, you couldn't even strike a match.

You're in such bad shape, I hear undertakers come up to you and give estimates.

You're in such bad shape, if a vampire bit you, all it would get is practice.

You're in such bad shape, if you tried to run a bath, you'd come in second.

And finally, you're in such bad shape, you look like you're walking around just to save on funeral expenses.

[moreluck]

Top Ten Reasons to Celebrate Easter.............

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".

9. You look really, really good in yellow.

8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.

7. You figure any weekend that starts with a "Holy Saturday" can't be all bad.

6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.

4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.

3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."

2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.

1. So much candy and so little time!

[Sammie]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD ..
The driver feels so awfulthat he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..



(Are you ready for this?)





(Are you sure?)





(You know you're gonna be sorry)





(Last chance)





(OK, here it is)





It says,







"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Ha pp y Ea st er

[moreluck]

JUST FIVE MORE MINUTES (Author Unknown)

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground.

“That’s my son over there,” she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

“He’s a fine looking boy” the man said. “That’s my daughter on the bike in the white dress.”

Then, looking at his watch, he called to his daughter. “What do you say we go, Melissa?”

Melissa pleaded, “Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes.”

The man nodded and Melissa continued to ride her bike to her heart’s content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his daughter. “Time to go now?”

Again Melissa pleaded, “Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes.”

The man smiled and said, “OK.”

“My, you certainly are a patient father,” the woman responded.

The man smiled and then said, “Her older brother Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I’d give anything for just five more minutes with him. I’ve vowed not to make the same mistake with Melissa.

She thinks she has five more minutes to ride her bike. The truth is, I get Five more minutes to watch her play.”

Life is all about making priorities, what are your priorities? Give someone you love 5 more minutes of your time today.

[moreluck]

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12
inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the
barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle
and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie,
who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A
cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a
million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

[moreluck]

Settling An Argument

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two.
Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

[mountaingoat]

Originally Posted by moreluck

Unusual Laws
[FONT=Verdana,][SIZE=2]
It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.

And yet another example of the taxpayer getting screwed!

[moreluck]

A police officer heard this plea on his radio: Does anyone know where I'm at? I'm all screwed up." It was a policeman who had lost his way.

Another voice rang out, bold and authoritative: Would the officer making that last transmission please identify himself?" After a short silence, a third unidentified voice said, "He's not that screwed up."

[moreluck]

Vanity plate

To celebrate his 40th birthday, my boss who is battling middle- age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the inscription "18 Again." The wind was let out of his sails, however, when a salesman entered our office the following week. "Hey," he called out, "who owns the car with the plate "I ate again

[moreluck]

Computers


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘House’ for instance, is feminine – ‘la casa’, ‘Pencil’ however is masculine – ‘el lapiz’. A student asked, ‘What gender is computer’?
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:

1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3.Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (el computador), because:

1.In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2.They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have got a better model.

The women won.

[moreluck]

Settling An Argument

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two.
Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

[moreluck]

-------------------------
You Know It's Time to Diet When..
-------------------------

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

[moreluck]

FIFTEEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK (Author Unknown).............

1. God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, but will ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.

2. God won’t ask the square footage of your house, but will ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won’t ask about the fancy clothes you had in your closet, but will ask how many of those clothes helped the needy.

4. God won’t ask about your social status, but will ask what kind of class you displayed.

5. God won’t ask how many material possessions you had, but will ask if they dictated your life.

6. God won’t ask what your highest salary was, but will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.

7. God won’t ask how much overtime you worked, but will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.

8. God won’t ask how many promotions you received, but will ask how you promoted others.

9. God won’t ask what your job title was, but will ask if you reformed your job to the best of your ability.

10. did to help others.

11. God won’t ask how many friends you had, but will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.

12. God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights, but will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.

13. God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, but will ask how you treated your neighbors.

14. God won’t ask about the color of your skin, but will ask about the content of your character.

15. God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words, but will ask how many times they didn’t.

[moreluck]

THE SNEEZE

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing .. and the traditional caps, they looked almost ... as grown up as they felt.

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.

This class would NOT pray during the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a mo ment, and then, it happened.
H


All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!

The student on stage.. simply looked at the audience and said,
'GOD BLESS YOU'.
And he walked off stage...

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.
This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland .
Oh, how I wish THIS one would take off and FILL the whole Country!!!
For where the name of God is invoked.. No danger will insue.

[moreluck]

Dumb Blonde

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde.
But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.
The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy."
"Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter.
Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..."

[moreluck]

Signs You May Be A Redneck

You see a sign that says "Just Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.

You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of a Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.

Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

You come back from the dump with more than you took!

[moreluck]

No Underwear

Here's a safety brief for you. Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.
True story:

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[moreluck]

How the world works lately..





If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.


If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.


If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.


If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.


And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.


I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.


So, if I die while my old wrinkled fanny is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates.