Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Wine vs. Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

[moreluck]

Bless The Man Who Stood Up........

MUSLIM BELIEF

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is
a well-known leader in prison ministry. The man who walks with God
always gets to his destination. If you
have a pulse you have a purpose.



The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion
per capita in the United States , especially in the
minority races!!!



Last month I attended my annual training session
that's required for maintaining my state prison
security clearance. During the training session there was a
presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic,
Protestant and Muslim faiths who explained each
of their beliefs.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic
Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of
Islam, complete with a video.



After the presentations, time was provided for
questions and answers.



When it was my turn, I directed my question to the
Imam and asked: 'Please, correct me if I'm wrong,
but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have
declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of
the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a
command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If
that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?'



There was no disagreement with my statements and,
without hesitation, he replied, 'Non-believers!'



I responded, 'So, let me make sure I have this
straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to
kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can
have a place in heaven. Is that correct?'

The expression on his face changed from one of
authority and command to that of a little boy who had just
been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.'



He sheepishly replied, 'Yes.'



I then stated, 'Well, sir, I have a real problem
trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill
those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the
same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!'



The Imam was speechless!



I continued, 'I also have problem with being your
friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to

kill me! Let me ask you a question:

Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to
kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus
who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven
and He wants you to be there with me?'



You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his
head in shame. Needless to say, the organizers and/or
promoters of the Diversification' training seminar
were not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the
Islamic Imam , and exposing the truth about the
Muslims' beliefs.



In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in
the U.S. to elect the President! I think everyone in the
U.S. should be required to read this, but with
ACLU, there is no way this will be widely publicized,
unless each of us send it on!



This is your chance to make a difference...
FOR GODS' SAKE! SEND THIS ON!

[moreluck]

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear'the rules'
From the female side


Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant theother one

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched...
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball ormotor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh.

[moreluck]

STUTTER

A teacher is explaining
biology to her 4th grade students.

'Human beings are the
only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand.
'I had a cat who stuttered'.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of
these stories could become, asked the girl to describe
the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat when
the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence and into our yard'.
'That must've
been scary,' said the teacher.
'It was', said the little girl. 'My cat
raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before
she could say
'Schitt', the Rottweiler ate her.'

The teacher had to leave the room!

[moreluck]

Translated Car Ads...

- Two tone paint work - Original color and rust.

- One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.

- 10,000 trouble-free miles - Crashed in the last 20 feet.

- Heated rear window - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.

- Very clean - Only washed if and when it rains.

- Lady owner - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.

- Clean interior - All the rubbish is under the floor mats.

- Immobilizer - The gear shift comes off in your hand.

- Anti-theft device - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.

- Drives beautifully - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.

- Low mileage - The odometer is on its third time around.

- Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week.

- Economical - Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.

[ups1990]

It was so hot here in So. Cal. last week. I, saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

[moreluck]

HELLO OPERATOR






Actual call center conversations!



Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't getthrough;
can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack beforecleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

[moreluck]

High School

The teacher of a high school class in the fundamentals of economics led the discussion around to the population explosion. "Certain levels of our society reproduce much more frequently than others," he pointed out. "What people would you guess reproduce the most?" One bright student answered, "Women."

[moreluck]

1-Day Employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid? '

So I replied,
' I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just can't believe someone would have slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. '

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[moreluck]

The Computer Poem

A Computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note
Window was something you hated to clean
And Ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.
An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider's home
And a Virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
"The more intelligent you are, the more tenuous your grip on sanity."

[moreluck]

Questing Without Worry

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

[moreluck]

Quiet Speech....

An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

[moreluck]

A quiet new nurse was starting her first evening in a tight-knit ER. The other nurses were concerned that she might not share in the workplace banter they had developed. Their fears were soon relieved. One night, one of the nurses observed this new nurse sitting alone at the nurse's station. " Are you the only fool here?" the veteran asked.

"Not now," replied the newbie, with no hesitation at all.

[moreluck]

Subject: Police Comments



These police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country...........

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[moreluck]

SEVEN SIGNS YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER

1. You serve fruit Popsicles for breakfast.

2. At the water cooler you splashed your boss and yelled, "Water fight!"

3. You've got days-of-the week flip-flops.

4. You gave your pooch golden highlights.

5. Your family threatened mutiny if they had to hear The Beach Boys' greatest-hits album one more time.

6. You had a hot flash and jumped for joy.

7. The ice-cream truck's jingle is your cell phone's ring tone.

[dilligaf]

THE UPS MAN

One Monday morning, the UPS man was driving the neighborhood on his usual route.


As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.


His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.


'Wow! Bob ... looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.


Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually, we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am, Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun, and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'


The UPS man thinks a moment, and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'


'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out, one at a time, with a sheet covering us ... and, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'


The UPS man laughs, and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that. '


'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times!'

[moreluck]

Murder Mystery -

For those who have served on jury...this one is something to think about...Just when you think you have heard everything!!
Do you like to read a good murder mystery?

Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!!



At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS)President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 ... the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.



He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'



When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist ... Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.



This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.



The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Not true, but interesting

[moreluck]

: Conversation on a plane





A stranger was seated next to a
little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and
said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'


The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to
talk about?'


'Oh, I don't know,' said the
stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.

'OK, she said. 'That could be an
interesting topic.
But let me ask you a
question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
- grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat
patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly
surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it
and says, 'Hmmmm, I have no idea.'

To which
the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know schitt?'

[Dustyroads]

A guy goes to the employment office and says, i'm laid off, i need a job, i'll take anything you have. The man behind the desk looks through some papers and says,
"the only thing i have is a job down in Florida picking lemons. can you pick lemons?" The guy replies, "can I pick lemons??? I've been married five times!"

[moreluck]

When Aging Reality Sets In.................

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.

3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE!

6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

8. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

9. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the seat.

10. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

11. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

12. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.

13. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

14. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don't recognize you.

15. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

[moreluck]

BEER TRIVIA..........

Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Its alcoholic content is less than that found in "classic" beer.

In 1962, Iron City beer was the brand used to test-market the concept of tab opening aluminum cans. By 1970, over 90% of all beer cans were self-opening.

Prohibition, beginning on January 16, 1920, lasted 13 years, 10 months, 19 days, 17 hours, and 32-1/2 minutes, and was rescinded on December 5, 1933, at 3:32 p.m.

Centuries ago in England, pub visitors used a novel innovation that enabled them to get their beer served quickly. They used mugs with a whistle baked into the rim, the whistle being used to summon the barmaid. It has been suggested this practice gave birth to the phrase "wet your whistle."

A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.

During the European Middle Ages and the Renaissance, beer was often a nutritional necessity and was sometimes used in a medicinal setting. It could be flavored with almost anything, from the bark of fir trees to fresh eggs and thyme. Everyone drank beer, including children.

President Theodore Roosevelt took more than 500 gallons of beer with him on an African safari. Must have been thirsty work.

Most saloons were owned by the breweries by the 1900s. The bartenders earned $10 to $15 per week, with Sunday bringing in the most business.

There is an Egyptian beer, called bousa, that is brewed from millet and has been a favorite drink of many for over 3,000 years. Modern Ethiopia has a version made from wheat. It has been hypothesized that this might have been the origin for the word "booze." Other spellings used are boza, bouza, and booza. Take your pick.

[Big Babooba]

Do housework in a zippy manner ~ ~ ~

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it Housework.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework completely?'
6. Calmly answer 'Yes' and press mouse firmly....
7. Feel Better? Works for me

[Big Babooba]

Originally Posted by moreluck

BEER TRIVIA..........

Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Its alcoholic content is less than that found in "classic" beer.

In 1962, Iron City beer was the brand used to test-market the concept of tab opening aluminum cans. By 1970, over 90% of all beer cans were self-opening.Had a few too many? I've never seen a beer can open itself!

Prohibition, beginning on January 16, 1920, lasted 13 years, 10 months, 19 days, 17 hours, and 32-1/2 minutes, and was rescinded on December 5, 1933, at 3:32 p.m.

Centuries ago in England, pub visitors used a novel innovation that enabled them to get their beer served quickly. They used mugs with a whistle baked into the rim, the whistle being used to summon the barmaid. It has been suggested this practice gave birth to the phrase "wet your whistle."

A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.

During the European Middle Ages and the Renaissance, beer was often a nutritional necessity and was sometimes used in a medicinal setting. It could be flavored with almost anything, from the bark of fir trees to fresh eggs and thyme. Everyone drank beer, including children.

President Theodore Roosevelt took more than 500 gallons of beer with him on an African safari. Must have been thirsty work.

Most saloons were owned by the breweries by the 1900s. The bartenders earned $10 to $15 per week, with Sunday bringing in the most business.

There is an Egyptian beer, called bousa, that is brewed from millet and has been a favorite drink of many for over 3,000 years. Modern Ethiopia has a version made from wheat. It has been hypothesized that this might have been the origin for the word "booze." Other spellings used are boza, bouza, and booza. Take your pick.

[moreluck]

Potato.......
Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so
he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for
him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about
two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin
ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody
on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning
away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and
asks him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

[moreluck]

for all golfers...


Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels inlove with
her. But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various
dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinnerand had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his newfound
lady friend. ' I eat, sleep and breathe golf , so if that's going to be a
problem, you'd better say so now!'
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, you need to know that I'm a hooker.'
'I see,' Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added,'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'