Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Lunchroom Fly.....

A kid walks into a lunchroom at school and sees a fly on the table. He swats it and leaves.

Another kid walks in, sees the dead fly and says, Hey, cool, wings. So he pulls off the wings and leaves.

Another kid comes in, sees the fly, and says, Hey look! Legs! So he pulls off the legs and leaves.

A third kid comes in and he also sees the dead fly. He leans over to look at it and pulls of its head.

Then the first kid comes back, sees it and says, Hey, look, a raisin, and he eats it.

[moreluck]

THOUGHTS TO LIVE BY (Author Unknown)

You shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

You shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

You shall not carry grudges, for they are the heaviest of all life's burdens.

You shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.

You shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

You shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you.

You shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

You shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own.

You shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

You shall count your blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

[moreluck]

A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish as the main course.

While the guests were eating the appetizer, the cook came to the host and whispered, "Please come urgently to the kitchen."

The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish which they were going to serve. The host said, "Just fill the hole with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."

The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said, "The cat is dead!"

The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped out at the hospital."

When they came back everything was still fine and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"

"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the car ran it down."

[moreluck]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me: IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. M y mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
"I swear you're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

*Everyone will get theirs in the end*

[moreluck]

As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?"

"No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?"

"What about all those other cars in there?"

He shrugged. "They didn't ask."

[moreluck]

The Score

When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water.
"We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them."
As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge. It read:
BEAVERS 3 RANGERS 0

[moreluck]

A little known fact....
>
>
> The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first
> helmet was used in 1974.
>
> It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
>

[moreluck]

I rescued a human today.


Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering
apprehensively into the kennels. I felt her need instantly and knew I
had to
help her. I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be
afraid. As
she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I
had in the
back of my cage. I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked
today.
Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think
poorly of them.

As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad
about my past. I only have the future to look forward to and want to
make a
difference in someone's life. She got down on her knees and made
little kissy
sounds at me. I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the
bars to
comfort her. Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate for
companionship. A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to
assure her
that all would be well.

Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I
instantly jumped
into her arms. I would promise to keep her safe. I would promise to
always be
by her side. I would promise to do everything I could to see that
radiant smile
and sparkle in her eyes. I was so fortunate that she came down my
corridor. So
many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors. So many more
to be
saved. At least I could save one.

I rescued a human today.

[Big Babooba]

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store (packie) and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

[moreluck]

RESUME MISTAKES........

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

“Education: College, August 1895--May 1999.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”

“I’m a rabid typist.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”

[moreluck]

Subject: Chinese year of the ??

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........ next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock -

what could possibly go wrong......

[moreluck]

Linda meets up with Jill
as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.
Linda asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
Jill replies, "Yes, thank goodness.
I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off,
so I was relieved when he told me
all I needed was blinker fluid."

[moreluck]

Getting old in Florida
>
>
>
>
> Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing nothing.
>
> One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
>
> The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
>
> The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
>
> The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
>
> After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
>
>

[moreluck]

REASONS FOR LEAVING YOUR PREVIOUS JOB..........

“Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.”

[moreluck]

The

in

[moreluck]

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher, whose hand
was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former
Texas Governor George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Little Georgie Bush is just a 'post
turtle.'"

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle"
was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help
the dumb sch*t get down."

[moreluck]

ATLANTA AIRPORT -






You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!









Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R









Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."









Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."









Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."









Pause...









Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"









Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."









Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."









Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

[moreluck]

The Cat

A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish as the main course.

While the guests were eating the appetizer, the cook came to the host and whispered, "Please come urgently to the kitchen."

The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish which they were going to serve. The host said, "Just fill the hole with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."

The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said, "The cat is dead!"

The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped out at the hospital."

When they came back everything was still fine and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"

"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the car ran it down."

[moreluck]

The Economy is soooo Bad...

* CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

* Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

* McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

* Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names

* A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico

* The most highly-paid job is now jury duty

* Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting

* People in Africa are donating money to Americans

* Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"

* Motel Six won't leave the light on

[moreluck]

HEADS UP, GRANDPARENTS & OLDER GRANDCHILDREN - REALLY CUTE...



She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'

# # # # #

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

# # # # #

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

# # # # #

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

# # # # #

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.

# # # # #

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'

# # # # #

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it as. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

# # # # #

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

# # # # #

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple, ' replied the girl.. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

# # # # #

Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

# # # # #

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.

[moreluck]

Some new cockpit chatter




British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced
airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
-----------------------
ATC: ' Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for
workers along taxiway.'
Al Italia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all
are working'
-----------------------
Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000,
requesting runway 15.'
Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a
pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway
06.'
-----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead,
please identify yourself.'
-----------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
---------------------------
Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You
have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130
knots.'
Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to
one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots
now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110
knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now
1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this
here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
--------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
--------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: Oh, Oh, ****! You have traffic!
---------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250
knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
----------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
------------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
--------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big
"E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on
radar.' (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the
Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately .'
--------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
-----------------------------
Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the
left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the
right'
-----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right
name you'd get a better response!'
-----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run
over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus
330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and
give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
---------------------------
Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
---------------------------------
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in
English and lonely in the cockpit'
-----------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
----------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and
push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

[moreluck]

[moreluck]

Natural born citizen

The following is a funny story shared by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School .

They were discussing the Qualifications to be president of the United States.



The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by asking .

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?"



And someday she'll vote!

[moreluck]

stamp......


The United States Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.

[moreluck]

Admissions.......

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice? I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

Thinking to himself ("At last, I got you!"), the interviewer smiled and said, "How???"

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you would ask me ONLY ONE difficult question!"

The student was admitted to the University.