Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[DS]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down beside an very attractive lady.He nods politely as he sips on his drink and after awhile she notices he seems preoccupied with his wristwatch.Excuse me she says, but I can't help but notice that you keep looking at your watch,are you expecting someone?
No the man says,I just bought this high tech timepiece that communicates with me telepathically by sending alpha waves to my brain.
Intrigued,she says,oh really?,what is it saying to you right now?
Its telling me you aren't wearing any panties .
She laughs and says well sir,I think you may have purchased a defective watch because I am indeed wearing panties.He looks at her and then the watch,and says Damn,you're right the darn thing is running an hour fast!

[moreluck]

Subject: To all of you Catholics.

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged tonon-Catholics.The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are..
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parishto lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher thanthat of the congregation's range.RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little morequietly, since most of the people have already left..
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find collegeswith good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognizebesides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord havemercy)MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't coveredby an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel hasalways been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Massconsisting of altar servers,the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass ledby parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actuallyknow when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sundayservices at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips asopposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping towin. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they areworth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chipsinto the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casinochips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to thecasinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as TheChip Monk.

[moreluck]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi went to see who's the best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later, they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck If.........

Your dentist dreads seeing you more than you dread seeing him.

You choose your teeth from a catalog.

You tell grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.

Your 2 yr. old has more teeth than you do.

You've ever fixed your false teeth with a glue gun.

[moreluck]

THE LET DOWN

This came to me from a Marine's wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government under went a peaceful transition of power a few weeks ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Barack Obama took his Oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President. It was then that I realized how far America 's Military had deteriorated.

Every last one of them missed.

[moreluck]

I was having trouble with the idea of turning thirty and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent grey hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

[moreluck]

Subject: Fwd: 4-5-6-7-8-9




5 MINUTES AND 6 SECONDS AFTER 4 A.M. ,ON THE 8TH OF JULY, THIS YEAR, THE TIMEAND DATE WILL BE: 04:05:06 07-08-09

THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN UNTIL THE YEAR 3009!!!


(I had a deep feeling that you just needed to know this) ;-)





Aren't you glad you are in my address book?

[moreluck]

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.

"I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

[moreluck]

A man was sent to court for drunk and disorderly conduct. The judge inquired where the defendant worked. "Here and there," he replied. "And what do you do for a living?" "This and that," came the answer. The judge turned to a policeman and instructed him to take the man straight to jail. "Wait," implored the accused, "When will I come out?"

"Sooner or later."

[moreluck]

All blood belongs to one of four major groups in the ABO blood system: A, AB, B or O. People with type O blood are known as universal donors as theirs is the only blood that can safely be given to people with other blood types. Below is a table of approximate blood type distribution. This can vary between races.

Types-----Distribution-----Ratios

O +..........1 person in 3..............38.4%

O -...........1 person in 15..............7.7%

A +..........1 person in 3...............32.3%

A -...........1 person in 16................6.5%

B +..........1 person in 12................. 9.4%

B -...........1 person in 67.................1.7%

AB +........1 person in 29..................3.2%

AB -.........1 person in 167................0.7%

(I don't see 37% anywhere)

[moreluck]

"The best six doctors anywhere

And no one can deny it

Are sunshine, water, rest, and air

Exercise and diet.

These six will gladly you attend

If only you are willing

Your mind they'll ease

Your will they'll mend

And charge you not a shilling."

[moreluck]

Subject: quotes & thoughts



"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

Are marbles made of marble?

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

[moreluck]

Duct TapeJeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."

[moreluck]

Taliban's Fall TV Line-Up
The Taliban's Fall TV Line-up


MONDAYS: 8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS: 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darnedest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 - "U. S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veil-watch"

THURSDAYS: 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdad's"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy" FRIDAYS: 8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"

[moreluck]

What are the most dangerous search terms on the Internet?







HONG KONG, China (CNN) -- If you like to search for "music lyrics" or "free" things, you are engaging in risky cyber behavior. And "free music downloads" puts 20 percent of Web surfers in harm's way of malicious software, known as "malware."
Searches that use "free," "music" and "download" are at increased risk of malicious software.





A new research report by U.S.-based antivirus software company McAfee has identified the most dangerous Internet search words that places users on pages with a higher likelihood of malware.
The study examined 2,600 popular keywords on five major search engines -- Google, Yahoo, Live, AOL and Ask -- and analyzed 413,000 Web pages.
"Just in the past year, we've seen a pretty dramatic shift in what we call malware," David DeWalt, president and CEO of McAfee, told Richard Quest for CNN's Quest Means Business. Watch Quest interview with McAfee boss »
"It went from a hacker in a basement, to organized cybercrime to now, literally, terrorism and other forms of organized geopolitical attacks," he said.
Categories that had the highest risk of run-ins with malware: screen savers, free games, work from home, Olympics, videos, celebrities, music and news.
Riskiest terms: word unscrambler, lyrics, myspace, free music downloads, phelps, game cheats, printable fill-in puzzles, free ringtones and solitaire.
The study shows how cyber criminals are increasing in sophistication.
"We can have massive outages with a hacker in the basement. We saw that recently with the 'Twitter worm,' a 17-year-old in his basement basically perpetrated tens of millions of (computer) outages. Or, we can see an organized attack bringing down infrastructure," DeWalt said.
Antivirus software companies lag behind latest developments by cyber criminals. "We've been way behind, that's true for the entire world, the global infrastructure of the Internet has grown dramatically -- 50 percent of the world's PCs are unprotected," he said.
Despite the increased risk, DeWalt doesn't believe there will be a "cyber Armageddon" causing widespread destruction of computers and Internet infrastructure.





"Last week, you saw President Obama in the United States talk about a major cyber-security initiative sponsored by the government, other governments are sponsoring this as well," DeWalt said. "I think we're learning this can happen, and if we get ahead of it, we can prevent it."

[moreluck]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTICFIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Jump in a well.'

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[moreluck]

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

[moreluck]

A Stimulus Story
In a small town in the United States, the place looks almost totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.





He enters the towns only hotel, lays a 100 Dollar Bill on the reception counter as a deposit, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Dollar Bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Dollar Bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Dollar Bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Dollar Bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Dollar Bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.


At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes back his 100 Dollar Bill, saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything.......... However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..



And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government and the State of California are doing business today.

[moreluck]

THE SIGNS OF "ADVANCED MOMHOOD"

Maybe it starts when you realize rock concerts give you a headache. Or that you're offering to cut up other people's food. Or you catch yourself ending a discussion with, "Because I'm the Mother, that's why!" You've reached a new level of motherhood. All the warning signs are there. You know you've crossed the threshold into advanced "Mommydom" when:

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your child throws up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read "Once Upon A. Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Terminal, and you do it.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks.

You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes...it's so final.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You lose sleep.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

[moreluck]

Turn Off Clinton...


First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

[moreluck]

PHOBIAS.....

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

Clinophobia is the fear of beds.

Paedophobia is a fear of children.

Automatonophobia is a fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues or anything that falsly represents a sentient being.

Hypnophobia is a morbid fear of sleep and falling asleep.

Lyssophobia is a morbid fear of insanity.

Phobatrivaphobia is a fear of trivia about phobias

Dromophobia is a fear of crossing the road

Unatractiphobia is a fear of ugly people.

Arachibutyrophobia is a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.

[moreluck]

Subject: Computer Trouble



I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'


So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little schitt

[Big Babooba]

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or
you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together!
Have a great lif e!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you
& I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from
what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised
me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my
job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope
you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

[moreluck]

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners…

The Asian lady says “Come Again.”

The blonde says, “No, it’s toothpaste this time, nosy beatch!”

[moreluck]

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous. Yes, grass snakes,
not rattlesnakes.. Here's why.
A couple in Langdon , North Daktoa , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from
a possible freeze.


It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go
under the sofa.


She let out a very loud scream.


The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa.


He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.. About that
time the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he
screamed and fell over on the floor.


His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him
to lie still and called an ambulance.


The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
the stretcher, and started carrying him out.


About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.


The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was
gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.


But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.


The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.


The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband
in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.


The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake
had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and
began pouring it down the man's throat.


By now, the police had arrived. Breath here......


They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.


The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.


Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg
of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the
bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.


The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and
raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed
into the parked police car.


Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put
out the power,
and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they
did get the house fire out).


Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right
with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap
for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring
in their plants for the night.


And that's when he shot her.