Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2 - Page 98 - Brown Cafe

moreluck · 06-15-2009, 10:11 AM

Football

A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred-yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

moreluck · 06-16-2009, 06:12 AM

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website

__________________________________________________

Q:Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Perthto Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A:Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A:A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A:Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q:Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

Q:Can you send me the ViennaBoys' Choir schedule? ( USA)

A:Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A:You are a British politician, right?

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydneyand is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australiawho can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmaniawhere the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

moreluck · 06-17-2009, 06:00 AM

Ghosts

A professor at the University of Al abama was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start.

Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in 20th row back, a boy raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

The big redneck replied....

'Schiiiiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said “Goats”...

moreluck · 06-17-2009, 06:39 AM

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women......

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)

moreluck · 06-17-2009, 03:55 PM

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

moreluck · 06-18-2009, 06:32 AM

Osama LetterAfter numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George
Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line
of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with
this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."

moreluck · 06-18-2009, 02:11 PM

159 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 159 years ago?

California became a state

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands

moreluck · 06-19-2009, 05:55 AM

Tick removal: Spring is here soon and the ticks will soon be showing their heads. Here is a good way to get them off of you, your children, or your pets. Give it a try.

Please forward to anyone with children... or hunters or dogs, or anyone who even steps outside in summer!!

A School Nurse has written the info below -- good enough to share -- And it really works!!

I had a pediatrician tell me what she believes is the best way to remove a tick. This is great, because it works in those places where it's sometimes difficult to get to with tweezers: between toes, in the middle of a head full of dark hair, etc.

Apply a glob of liquid soap to a cotton ball. Cover the tick with the soap-soaked cotton ball and swab it for a few seconds (15- 20), the tick will come out on its own and be stuck to the cotton ball when you lift it away. This technique has worked every time I've used it (and that was frequently), and it's much less traumatic for the patient and easier for me.

Unless someone is allergic to soap, I can't see that this would be damaging in any way. I even had my doctor's wife call me for advice because she had one stuck to her back and she couldn't reach it with tweezers. She used this method and immediately called me back to say, "It worked!"

Please pass on. Everyone needs this helpful hint.

moreluck · 06-19-2009, 02:25 PM

Bracelet at Tiffany's .............

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a

fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a

sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes

in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like

Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.

How may we help you today?'

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it,

you're going to schitt when I tell you the price!'

moreluck · 06-19-2009, 07:49 PM

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island
with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook,do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends andrelatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function..

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs ,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed .

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain
or slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them ,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it.
Just don't send it back to me....I'm going to bed.

moreluck · 06-20-2009, 06:53 AM

Oops..........

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

moreluck · 06-22-2009, 05:56 AM

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods. Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

moreluck · 06-23-2009, 10:55 AM

On his 91st birthday, Milton Berle (1908-2002) was honored at the Friars Club, the famed fraternity for comedians and ribald humor. At the end of the evening, Berle, the club's abbot emeritus (with roots going back to the original Friars Club in New York), approached the dais to address the gathering: "I'll be brief," he declared. "And if you believe that, you believe there'll be a Richard Simmons, Jr!"

moreluck · 06-23-2009, 12:00 PM

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: "I put our teenage son's shorts in his underwear drawer."

moreluck · 06-23-2009, 04:08 PM

159 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK ......

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 159 years ago?

California became a state

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands

moreluck · 06-24-2009, 05:59 AM

This is something we should all read at least once a week.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It
is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret,you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19.. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.
I'm in the 7%
Remember that a friend will always share their life with you! Others are just people who know your name.

moreluck · 06-24-2009, 06:49 AM

FTHE AMA WEIGHS IN

Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Health Care
Initiatives from the Obama Administration...

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any
rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Admininstration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Opthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while Pediatricians said, "Oh Grow Up!"

Oncologists fear it's malignant, while Osteopaths see it as holistic.

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists
could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought
it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole
new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the
whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't
have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
*********s in Washington!

moreluck · 06-25-2009, 07:03 AM

Why were you fired from your last job? ...........

I used to work in a dairy. I got fired for getting in the whey.

I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

I was working in an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.

I tried to be a chef. I imagined it would add a little spice to my life. But I didn't have the thyme.

I once was a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.

I worked at Starbucks, but it was the same old grind.

I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

I tried to work at a deli, but no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I worked for a plumber, but that work was too draining.

I even worked as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it. So they gave me the ax.

I tried to work in a shoe factory, but I couldn't fit in.

I became a fisherman, but couldn't live on my net income.

I was a musician, but I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I then got a job at a workout club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I got a job as a historian, but there was no future in that!

I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

moreluck · 06-25-2009, 05:04 PM

A man called up a church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I’d like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about our beloved pastor, Rev. Dalton." Again the man replied, "I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate $75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."

moreluck · 06-26-2009, 04:53 AM

Yep it's already started....

Due to the fact taht Michael Jackson was 90% plastic, he will be melted down into legos so kids can play with him for a change.

Yes another one.....

When Farrah Fawcett arrived in heaven God granted her 1 wish! She wished for all the children in the world to be safe.....so god took Michael Jackson!

(I know....I didn't write it!)

moreluck · 06-26-2009, 10:36 AM

Living with the Wolf Man.........

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear? " his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

moreluck · 06-27-2009, 06:23 AM

Flying over the beach at Malibu, Superman looks down and sees Wonder Woman lying on her back in the nude on the white sands. He zooms down and covers her with his body. Wonder Woman opens her eyes and Superman says, "I'll bet you're surprised." Wonder Woman says, "Not as much as the Invisible Man!"

moreluck · 06-28-2009, 03:29 AM

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!

'Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.

'The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

'Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon..........You got nice house'

moreluck · 06-30-2009, 04:56 AM

Harley Davidson

Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

moreluck · 07-01-2009, 03:49 AM

SUNBURN TIPS

Lying in the sun is fun. Getting burned by the sun is not fun. But every year millions of people do get severe sunburn. So, how do you get rid of sunburn pain and agony? The best advice is, of course, to use sunscreen creams BEFORE exposing your skin to the sun (apply sunscreen 30 minutes before going outdoors...and refresh the sunscreen throughout the day). But when it's too late, there's still a few things you can do. Here are 3 top tips to help you get rid of sunburn misery...

1. The biggest mistake you can make is to apply any kind of soothing cream before you first cool down the affected area. This will simply trap in the heat. The burning will continue, and you will suffer even more. Cool down the skin with ice or a cold wetted towel first, or lie in a very cold bath, or stand in a cold shower for at least five minutes.

2. White vinegar in a solution of two parts cold water to one part vinegar can work wonders. Soak a cloth in the solution and press it gently onto the burned area. You should never rub it in as this will make matters worse. Just dab in on gently, then leave the skin to dry. Aloe vera can be gently applied to the skin as a follow-up. Do this twice a day until you heal.

3. While aloe vera gel works well to relieve sunburn, some lotions contain alcohol. This will dry out the skin and tend to retain the heat, so any alcohol-based lotions or creams are best avoided.

The summer sun can be much stronger than you may think. If you plan to be exposed to strong sunshine, always wear a suncream of appropriate strength. Remember, sunburn can cause cancer. You can always get rid of sunburn pain, but that may just be the short- term effect. Be careful!