Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world........

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

[moreluck]

These are 'real' breeds of dog, as collected from license applications and want forms at a US dog shelter:

Westminster Terrier
Rhode Island Ridgeback
Palmeranian
Copper Spaniel
Cocker Spaniard
Black Labrador (from a license app, dog's color was yellow)
**** Sue
Dorky Terrier
Lopso Apso
El Paso (attempt at Lhasa Apso)
Highland Heeler
Alaskan Malibu
Belgian Manawa
Belgium Malenoise
Basket Hound
Bagle
Welch Corgi
Wild Haired Terrier
Carrion Terrier
Wineamimer
Rockwelders
Rottenwiler
Great Pekingese (supposed to be Pyrenees)
Great Pyramid
Miniature Datsun
Irish Settler
Jack Daniels Terrier
German Police Man
Chesapeake A Retriever
Borderline Collie
Chevy King Charles (Cavalier)

[moreluck]

Southerner...........


After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" "Sure", said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

[moreluck]

During Hot Dog Season, Memorial Day to Labor Day, Americans typically consume 7 billion hot dogs or 818 hot dogs consumed every second during that period.

New Yorkers consume more hot dogs than any other city, beating out Chicago and Los Angeles.

During the Fourth of July Weekend, Americans enjoy 150 million hot dogs!

[moreluck]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.




The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... What'll it be?"



The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."


The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."


The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... A good man."





The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

[moreluck]

May Your Life Be Like Arithmetic:

Joys Added

Sorrows Subtracted

Friends Multiplied

Love Un-Divided

[ooky]

What do you call a butler in India?

Mahat Macoat.

[pickup]

Originally Posted by moreluck

Men Are Just Happier People......

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

some of this stuff is what it is , and some this stuff is self imposed. You mentioned wrinkles so I assume we are on the subject of make up. Let me tell you ladies something, you look truly more beautiful without it than you do with it. It's astounding how much time you spend on something that makes you less beautiful and that has to be maintained all day. And High heels? Again, for what purpose? Heel problems and hammer toes? Come on ladies, stop the insanity.

[moreluck]

THE LAWS OF...............

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss, you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster. (Works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water and covered with soap, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you do not want to be seen.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you do not know about what you are talking.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it is ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[moreluck]

New math problem for the L.A. County S.A.T. tests.......................

2 Disneyland monorails are travelling towards each other on the same track. left side train is going 5 MPH and right side train is going 6 MPH. At 5oo ft. apart, how many minutes 'til they crash head on???

[moreluck]

In Portland, Oregon, a bank robber wrote instructions on a piece of paper: "This is a holdup and I've got a gun. Put all the money in a paper bag. When this message was pushed through the grille, the cashier wrote on the bottom. "I don't have a paper bag." and passed it back.

The robber fled.

[moreluck]

Indecent Exposure....

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

[moreluck]

Funeral

An acquaintance of ours was...how do I put this delicately?...not well loved. So when he died, I was amazed to see how many people showed up for his funeral.

"I'm not surprised," said my brother. "As P. T. Barnum said, 'Give the people what they want and they'll show up.'"

[moreluck]

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas:

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".

6. Family coming to stay with you.

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.

4. Buying food you don't normally buy...and in large quantities.

3. Days off from work.

2. Candles.

1 And...At some point you know you're going to have a tree/branches in your house.

[moreluck]

Deaf Wife...... Priceless



A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"BOB! For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[moreluck]

Beer Lake.....
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

[dilligaf]

Originally Posted by pickup

some of this stuff is what it is , and some this stuff is self imposed. You mentioned wrinkles so I assume we are on the subject of make up. Let me tell you ladies something, you look truly more beautiful without it than you do with it. It's astounding how much time you spend on something that makes you less beautiful and that has to be maintained all day. And High heels? Again, for what purpose? Heel problems and hammer toes? Come on ladies, stop the insanity.

P/U I couldn't agree with you more. The absolutely only time I ever wear heels and makeup (very little at that) is for a very special occasion. I am MUCH happier barefoot. And I have great feet, even if I say so myself.

[moreluck]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:


30% of women think their ass is too fat............


10% of women think their ass is too skinny......



The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world

[moreluck]

BOOK TITLE................AUTHOR

"Animal Illnesses".....Ann Thrax

"Fallen Underwear".....Lucy Lastic

"Downpour!".....Wayne Dwops

"Cloning".....Ima Dubble

"Irish Flooring".....Lynn O'Leum

"I Lived in Detroit".....Helen Earth

"Inflammation, Please".....Arthur Itis

"Handel's Messiah".....Ollie Luyah

"Avoiding High Construction Costs".....Bill Jerome Home

"The Pain of Unemployment".....Anita Job

"What Lonely Girls Should Do".....Seymore Fellows

"The Tiger's Revenge".....Claude Butz

"Lewis Carroll".....Alison Wonderland

"Leo Tolstoy".....Warren Peace

"Neither a Borrower".....Nora Lender Bee

"Tight Situation".....Leah Tard

"The Scent of a Man".....Jim Nasium

"Car Trouble".....M. T. Tank

"Wind in the Willows".....Russell Ingleaves

"Look Younger".....Fay Slift

"Mountain Climbing".....Andover Hand

"No!".....Kurt Reply

"And Shut Up!".....Sid Downe

[moreluck]

Subject: joke


So there's this dyslexic guy, he walks into a bra....

[moreluck]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2 Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot..
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --

SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS
And anyone else who just needs a good laugh!!

[moreluck]

Senior Citizen..........


Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, a teacher at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwards the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.
Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me, and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

[moreluck]

Welfare Office........................

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.


He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy
old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful
daughter.


You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all
of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided.
You'll
also
be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.


This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your
job
assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and
has a
rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with 20"
plasma TV,
stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your
sole
use and the salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "
You're bulls~!?ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yea, well. you
started it!!!"

[moreluck]

TOP REASONS FOR JOINING THE CHURCH CHOIR

1. You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.

2. The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.

3. You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.

4. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.

5. There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.

6. For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.

7. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.

8. The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.

[moreluck]

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"

2) None. The stunt double does it for them.