Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mist machine to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

[moreluck]

Daffynitions......


Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

[moreluck]

I have a friend who is president of his homeowner's association down in Washington. They are having a terrible problem with trash on the side of the road that is around his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is, there is being built just next to them, six new homes.....big ones! Wallace said the trash is coming from the immigrant work crews working at the construction sites. (McDonald Bags, Burger King trash, etc). He has pleaded with the site supervisors and the general contractor to no avail, called the City, County, the Police and got no help.

So..................guess what some people in his community did?

They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner
Neighborhood Services" to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is
HILARIOUS !!!!!!!!

They got some navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" in
gold put on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, however, to
understand what they hoped people would think it means.

Well the day after their first pick up detail, with them wearing their
caps and some carrying cameras; 46 out of 68, of the construction
workers did not show up for work the next morning!!!!!!!!.............and haven't come back yet!!!!! It has been ten days.

Now the General Contractor, I understand is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly, because he could be busted for hiring "illegal aliens".

Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating INS folks,
because they have it on their home owner association records the vote to form the new committee within their association, plus they informed the INS about what they were doing in advance, and the INS said basically according to Wallace.............."have at it"!

SO FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT A LITTLE INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!!!!!!!

[moreluck]

Men Are Just Happier People......

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

[moreluck]

Major Slam.......

You're so fat that when you haul ass, you have to make two trips !!

[moreluck]

Redneck ABC's

Avoid alimony
Be politically incorrect
Covet your neighbor's 4th wife
Distill your own 'shine
Eat more roadkill
Fry it in Crisco
Get a mullet
High-five your preacher
Insult everybody
Just say y'all
Kiss your cousin
Leave the seat up
Mudwrestle
Never eat quiche
Outlive your dog
Pump iron
Question authority
Resist arrest
Support the N.R.A.
Tattoo your other arm
Use more duct tape
Vacation at Graceland
Wear camouflage
eXpectorate publicly
Yell at Talladega
customiZe your truck

[moreluck]

Roomates.....

My male roommate and I mixed up our nicotine and testosterone patches.

He got cranky and hungry.

I got a raise and a corner office.

[moreluck]

Jill and Nadine were having lunch and Nadine looked a little upset.

"Whats wrong?" asked Jill.

"I'm really worried about myself," Nadine said forlornly. "My memory has always been a source of quiet pride to me, but lately it's been failing me. I'm having a hard time remembering things from the mundane to the major."

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," Jill said consolingly, "sounds like you'll forget all about it tomorrow."

[moreluck]

Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass) proposed a bill which would provide free towing for all members of the Kennedy clan, tentatively called No Car Left Behind. (Andy Borowitz)

[moreluck]

Vegas Facts - Cool facts about Las Vegas

Las Vegas means "the meadows" in Spanish.
In Nevada, there are more than 209,000 slot machines normally operating 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
The first neon sign appeared in Las Vegas in 1954 at the Boulder Club.
The bell is the oldest symbol still used on today's slot machines.
The average annual temperature in Las Vegas is 66 degrees.
It would take 288 years for one person to spend one night in every hotel room in Las Vegas.
Shrimp consumption in Las Vegas is more than 60,000 pounds a day. That's higher than the rest of the country combined and adds up to 22 million pounds per year.
The Stardust was the first hotel in Vegas to add a sports book to its casino.
Nickel slots on the Strip pay back anywhere from 86.9 percent to 92.8 percent of what they take in.
Las Vegas casinos never use dice with rounded corners.
It's estimated that every day Las Vegas casinos give away $3 million of freebies (more than $1 billion per year) just to get customers through their doors.
It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas.
The Horseshoe was the first Las Vegas casino to install carpeting.
A vagrant once turned a $400 Social Security check into $1.6 million playing blackjack in a Las Vegas casino.
According to suppliers, purple is the favorite ink color in daubers used by Las Vegas Bingo players.
The beam of light atop the Luxor in Las Vegas is made up of 39 individual lamps. Each xenon lamp costs $1,200 and will last about 2,000 hours. The electric bill for the Luxor beam is $51 an hour.
Las Vegas has the highest number of unlisted phone numbers of any U.S. city.
The iconic, waving neon cowboy, located at Vegas' Pioneer Club downtown, is named Vegas Vic.
Frank Sinatra was the first Vegas headliner to earn $100,000 per week.
More than 110,000 marriage licenses are issued in Las Vegas each year.
Elvis and Priscilla Presley were married at the original Aladdin hotel.
The Silver Slipper was the first casino to hire female card dealers on the Las Vegas Strip (in 1971).

[moreluck]

As a sales rep for a publisher of accounting reference materials, I was talking to a customer about a guide to assist with preparing for an audit. The way she described their organization led me to believe they might have an internal audit department. I asked, "Do you have an in-house auditor?"

"No," she answered. "We have an outhouse auditor."

It was almost three minutes before either of us could stop laughing and continue our conversation.

[moreluck]

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This
kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you
are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex
has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex,
which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is
when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is
called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but
not enough to live on.

[moreluck]

Why Men Should Be Built By Kodak............

They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.

You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.

They last longer and come with a warranty.

You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

They come in fashion colors.

You can keep them in maximum zoom.

They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

The parts that count are portable.

They don't mind over-exposure.

They respond to the slightest touch.

The one you want is available at a KMART near you.

[moreluck]

The team had fumbled the ball ten times and dropped a dozen passes. Watching the game, a sub paced the sidelines. Finally he sat down, but he missed the end of the bench and fell to the ground. The coach looked at him and said, "I think you're ready to go in."

[moreluck]

A man had such an abundant garden, he decided to share it. On a bench in front of his barbershop he placed his leftover produce with a sign reading: FREE - HELP YOURSELF. By the end of the day the produce was gone, but he forgot to remove the sign. And the next morning the bench was gone.

[moreluck]

Teenager...

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet.

Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelator."

[peacock71]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors...green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[moreluck]

THREE BEER CURE
--------------------------------

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every
time
I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it. You gotta help me, I´m
going crazy!"

Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to
me
three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

How much do you charge?"

A hundred dollars per visit."

I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? Not me. I told my story to a bartender
and he cured me after 3 beers.

Is that so? How?"

He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[moreluck]

Nutrisystem.....

Nutrisystem... What kind of diet plan is this? This is where they tell you you have to eat the food they make. They tell you what time of day you have to eat it and you have to eat all of it. This isn't a diet. This is living with your parents

[moreluck]

Newly Married

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

[moreluck]

Witness

The prosecuting attorney approached the witness. "Do you happen to know any of the people you see in the jury box?"

The witness looked them over and thought carefully before replying. "Yes, I know more than half of them."

"Keep in mind the solemn oath you have made before this court," continued the attorney. "Can you swear that you know more than half of them?"

"Why, I most certainly can!" the witness fired back. "In fact, I'll swear I know more than all of them put together!"

[moreluck]

The cop was on the witness stand. "I could see him in the middle of the road on his hands and knees."

"Your honor," interrupted the lawyer. "Just because a man is in the middle of the road on his hands and knees at midnight is no sign that he is drunk."

"What the attorney says is quite true," agreed the cop. "But the defendant was trying to roll up the while line."

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers

If you always take time to stop and smell the roses... sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow

Dyslexics Untie!

(On the back of a VW beetle...) When I grow up, I want to be a Porsche!

Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.

43% of all statistics are useless.

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they call apartments "apartments" when they are built together?

If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?

[moreluck]

Political Correctness For Kids

• Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive".
  
• Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps".
  
• You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome".
  
• No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced".
  
• You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective".
  
• You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal".
  
• It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information".
  
• The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged".
  
• Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience"
  
• You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness"
  
• You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear".
  
• You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations".
  
• You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building".

[moreluck]

You're Not Old Unless You Can Remember...

• Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
  
• When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
  
• When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym."
  
• When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
  
• When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
  
• When nobody owned a purebred dog.
  
• When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.
  
• When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
  
• When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
  
• When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
  
• When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.
  
• When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking,..... for free, every time and you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!
  
• When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
  
• When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
  
• When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
  
• When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!
  
• When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
  
• When women were called, "Mrs. John Smith," instead of their own name.