Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

Light Hearted Stories? What a shame. We all have a million of them. Lets change the direction of this thread. Anyone have a good one? I had a dog come out of the house (when customers had to sign) and hike his leg and piss all over me. Hot August day. Last stop. Owner thought it was quite funny. Had to ride all the way back to the center with wet leg (dripping). I always looked for that dog as I drove down that street...to pet him of course...ah hemmm. Come on folks. Plenty of these types of stories. lets hear them

Surely, many UPS'ers are football fans. Here are a couple of Dallas Cowboy jokes.
What do you call 47 people sitting around watching the Super Bowl? The Dallas Cowboys.
What do you call a drug ring in Dallas? A Huddle.
The Cowboys had 12 and 5 last season. 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

I thought I could resist it, but I just can't! Here's one more.....
A lady in Dallas calls 911. Hysterically, she says, "Someone just broke into my house, and I think he's going to rape me!" The police officer says, "I'm sorry, we're really busy at the moment. Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you."

I thought maybe if someone has any good jokes, they could share them here. Keep it fairly clean.

SIGNS THAT YOUR PRES. CANDIDATE IS NOT QUALIFIED........
He promises to improve relations with Hawaii.
His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is that Bob Vila guy.
Got his degree in Politics by bribing Sally Struthers with a baby ruth.
Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "the state or the D.C. thingie?"
On the first question in a debate he elects to use his first "lifeline" and phone a friend.

LOl...LOL...LOL...

I've got to call my brother in Dallas and "share" those jokes with his season ticket holding self.

The other day I was cruising along at about 75 in my new Jaguar. (UPS stock sure paid off) A look in the rear view mirror revealed a police car with its lights on. I brought it up to 90, he was still on my tail. At 120 I came to my senses, slowed down and pulled over. When the trooper approached the car I was really nervous. He said, "you better have a good excuse for this!" I thought a minute and told him that my wife just ran away with a State Trooper and I thought you were trying to return her. He laughed hard, and went back to his car without writing a ticket!!!

BUMPER STICKERS . . . . . .
Don't drink and drive...you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Friends help you move. REAL friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.
Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.
Always remember you are unique..just like everybody else.

My mom recently sent me this link:

Old Farts

Kindergarten Gifts

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift.

She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some
flowers?"

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of
sweets?"

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just another wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.

The teacher held the package overhead, and noticed that it was leaking.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and then touched it to
her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to
her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

DIVORCE COURT. . . .
It was a bitterly contested divorce hearing, and after 3 weeks of bitter acrimony, the judge was ready to hand down his decision.
The judge said, "Mr Jones, after hearing both sides of the case, we find that you are at fault, and therefore the court will give your wife alimony in the amount of $600 a month."
Jones replied, "Thanks your Honor, and to show I'm not such a bad guy, I'll throw in a hundred bucks myself."

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep
water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give
you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the
woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it
was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,
"Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Pirates

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly
man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One
day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a
pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo
bellowed,"Bring me my red shirt!" the First mate quickly
retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the
bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the
pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships.
The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again they
vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting
the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain: "Sir,
why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain
replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show
my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such
a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next day, the lookout spotted not one, not two,
but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared
in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed
against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned, and calmly
shouted: "Get me my brown pants."

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described,
would have a gender association although in English these words
were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is
a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the
class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be
masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the
class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four
reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but
half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should
definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

UPS man's last day.......
It was Bob the UPS man's last day on the job after delivering packages for 35 yrs. in the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at his first house, he was greeted by the whole family and given a gift envelope.
At the second house they gave him a box of fine cigars.
The third house handed him a selection of the finest fishing lures.
At the 4th house he was met by a beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, led him upstairs where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he'd had enough, she fixed him a huge breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, blueberry waffles and orange juice. As she was pouring him some coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the coffee cup.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words" he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well, she said, "Last night I told my hubby that today was your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar."
"The breakfast was my idea."

Tracy is invited to her boyfriend's house for dinner. She is very nervous because this will be her first time meeting his family. She enters the house and meets the family, however she is still very uneasy about the whole experience. She really likes her new boyfriend and wants to make a good impression.
They all sit at the dinner table when Tracy's nervousness begins to make her feel a bit uncomfortable. Gas pains develop, but she continues to eat the delicious broccoli casserole.
Soon, the pain becomes so intense that her eyes begin to water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't very loud, but everyone at the table heard the little "squeak".
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at Tracy's feet and said in a stern voice, "Ginger!"
Tracy thought, "This is great!" And a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let out a louder & longer "squeak".
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Damnit Ginger!" Tracy smiled and thought this was great.
Well, it happened again, only louder & longer. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, " Damnit Ginger, get away from that girl before she takes a crap on you!"

Lines from "Actual" Resumes
--------------------------

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel
free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess
no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work
by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog
which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship,
the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s
death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the
church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling
what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to
donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting
on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to
sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked
down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for
his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole
- it holds very difficult memories for me.

One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice,
This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she
suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole.

Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!

Horrible? You think it`s horrible? Bob cried in disbelief; It was
worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back
to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...

DICTIONARY OF CATHOLIC RELIGION:
AMEN - The only part of the prayer that everybody knows.
BULLETIN - Catholic air conditioning.
HYMN - A song usually sung in a key 3 octaves higher than the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN - The last song at Mass, often sung more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JESUITS - An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH - The original Jaws story.
MAGI - The most famous trio to ever attend a baby shower.
PEW - a medieval torture device still found in churches today.
RECESSIONAL-The procession at the end of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
USHERS- The only people in church who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

PUZZLES FOR YOUR BRAIN

Now, it's time to think . . . . don't scroll down unless you have your answers. . .
Some Classic Lateral Thinking Exercises

1. There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall building.
Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the
building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel
half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining!
WHY?

This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral Thinking
puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible Solutions
which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying.

2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene,
but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says
"I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be?

3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and
balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off.
A black car is coming towards him with its light off too but somehow
manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

4. Title : The Elder Twin One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days
later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. Why?

5. Title : Manhole Covers Why is it better to have round manhole covers
than square ones? This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good
puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly
used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for
prospective employees.

6. Title : The Deadly Party A man went to a party and drank some of the
punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch
subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

7. Title : Heaven A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of
other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the
age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He
saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did
he know?

8. Title : Trouble with Sons A woman had two sons who were born on the same
hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could
this be so?

9. Title : The Man in the Bar A man walks into a bar and asks the barman
for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man.
The man says 'Thank you' and walks out. This puzzle has claims to be the
best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and
yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard
to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the
satisfaction of figuring it out.

SCROLL DOWN FOR SOLUTIONS

SOLUTIONS: 1) The man is very very short and so can only reach half way up
the lift buttons! However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella
with him and so can press the higher buttons with it.

2) The surgeon is the boy's mother

3) It was day time.

4) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling
by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat
then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February
the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days
before her older brother.

5) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of
the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for
safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

6) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the
punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

7) He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. because
they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and
therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it
can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments.

8) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets, etc.) This puzzle
stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube
babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions
when there is a much simpler one available?

9) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and
drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so
the man no longer needed the water. The is a simple puzzle to state but a
difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational
and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation.
Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.

A DYING WISH...
A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the 3 envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the wake,the lawyer, doctor & clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon, the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt rather than waste the money, he would send it to a mission in Africa. He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope had only $8000 in it. He too could not bring himself to waste the money when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000!"

How do we know that aliens use the metric system?

I've never heard a space creature say "Take me to your quart."

QUOTES FROM PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it's only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far and the sooner he starts his journey, the better."