Off Topic Posts - Page 4 - Brown Cafe

fethrs · 05-23-2009, 09:33 PM

Ds that's all LA stuff how'd you know that?

pickup · 05-24-2009, 01:04 AM

Colonel Klink in character on batman

YouTube - Colonel Klink on Batman

DS · 05-25-2009, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fethrs

Ds that's all LA stuff how'd you know that?

When I was young I was enthralled with the mothers of invention.
There was an album called just another band from LA that I had pretty much memorized back in the day.I figured it was about as off topic as I could get.

Hoaxster · 05-25-2009, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DS

When I was young I was enthralled with the mothers of invention.
There was an album called just another band from LA that I had pretty much memorized back in the day.I figured it was about as off topic as I could get.

Saw Zappa in concert 3 times and saw him take a dump on stage in Tallahassee FL (at least it looked like it) in 1971 -72.

It was Freak Out for me that got me hooked on Zappa.
His sense of humor, irreverence and general lack of conformity seemed to be very close to mine.

I have 17 albums by Zappa in my MP3 collection.

I sold my Freak Out album on ebay for 225 dollars to a guy in Germany. It was one of the original pressings that I had bought in 1969 or so.

DS · 05-27-2009, 09:33 PM

Holy Eddie Greenspoon batman!!! 17 albums? I honestly believe Zappa was the most underrated musician in our generation.He lost me with the peaches en regalia era when I joined a band.I always had fun playing acoustic versions of take your clothes off when you dance -whats the ugliest part of your body at parties...
It was funny last week we saw an indian lady with almost a full burka...walking out of a wal-mart
I said to the wife is that a real burka ,I mean is that an Indian burka or is that a wal-mart burka.

dilligaf · 05-28-2009, 04:23 AM

I had to look up burka. Interesting.

stevetheupsguy · 06-05-2009, 04:49 PM

fethrs · 06-05-2009, 04:58 PM

I want one

Hoaxster · 06-05-2009, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fethrs

I want one

A burka?

fethrs · 06-05-2009, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoaxster

A burka?

no no no

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetheupsguy

I want one like this little guy. Next time use quotes. I know I know.

DS · 06-05-2009, 07:10 PM

Ok this is for real.We have ants.Little brown buggers that are invading our kitchen through some crack I can't find.
For some weird reason the cats like to roll in the places where we squashed them.
I found this in a goggle search.
Odorous house ants get their name from the fact that workers give off a rotten coconut odor when crushed. They are often confused with the Argentine ant except their one node is flattened, not pointed, and it is not visible from above or the side because it is hidden by the abdomen. They are small, brown ants about 1/8-inch (3 mm) in length. Workers of the odorous house ant are all one size.
The odorous house ant is closely related to the ghost ant but is easily distinguished by size and coloration Ghost ants are considerably smaller and have a dark head and thorax and pale, almost translucent, abdomen and legs. The antennae of both species have 12 segments and no club.
Odorous house ants are found throughout the United States and from Canada to Mexico.

moreluck · 06-05-2009, 08:15 PM

Use ant traps and the little buggers will take the stuff back to their nests to share and their numbers will reduce significantly til gone.

overallowed · 06-06-2009, 07:45 PM

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You reallyought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

bubsdad · 06-10-2009, 07:26 AM

Good one,overallowed.

MonavieLeaker · 06-16-2009, 05:06 PM

MonavieLeaker · 06-16-2009, 05:11 PM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

dilligaf · 06-16-2009, 08:57 PM

Those are funny Monavie!

DS · 06-20-2009, 07:43 PM

We were in the supermarket today,my wife says,I've been craving a nice ham sandwich...so after looking at the prepackaged ,I suggest the deli counter where they have like 7 choices,she agrees.we ask for 200 grams,after we pick a number,with a bunch of people waiting,our turn ,
the guy asks ,would you like it sliced,or shaved.I says babe,you know I like it shaved,we ended up with slices

mattwtrs · 06-22-2009, 06:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DS

We were in the supermarket today,my wife says,I've been craving a nice ham sandwich...so after looking at the prepackaged ,I suggest the deli counter where they have like 7 choices,she agrees.we ask for 200 grams,after we pick a number,with a bunch of people waiting,our turn ,
the guy asks ,would you like it sliced,or shaved.I says babe,you know I like it shaved,we ended up with slices

And I bet the fight started out in the car!

stevetheupsguy · 07-05-2009, 07:38 PM

stevetheupsguy · 07-20-2009, 06:24 PM

stevetheupsguy · 07-21-2009, 06:59 PM

I made it here by stealth.

YouTube - Beauty and the Beast - Gaston

MonavieLeaker · 08-04-2009, 02:55 PM

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

stevetheupsguy · 08-16-2009, 07:54 AM

YouTube - Cocoa Puffs: Elevator

stevetheupsguy · 09-07-2009, 02:14 PM

It's A Cookbook!!!