Rants of a UPS Driver - Brown Cafe

DFWM · 10-01-2009, 04:09 PM

I found this on Craigslist, pretty funny!!

Rants from a UPS driver

Date: 2007-02-27, 2:23AM EST

Before i started this job I thought I was a pretty normal person and your avg. person in DC had common sense. Damn if I wasn't wrong on that one. Now mind you the avg home price where i deliver is $750,000+. Here are a few tips to get your stuff to you, not get ran the hell over, and not get cursed out by a driver wearing a poop brown uniform.

* Put fricking numbers on your house. How hard is that? I know your college educated. How fricking hard is it to post numbers. Hire someone hell hire me to put em up. And I understand your crap may be getting remodeled. Grab one of those big ass pieces of ply-wood spray some numbers on it and stick it in the front yard.

* Illuminate the darn lights. Go stand in the middle of the street at night and see if you can see your house numbers. If you cant see them or have to search to find them how in the heck do you think I can see them?????

* If you see my big ass truck driving down a narrow two way street with cars parked on both sides I PROMISE you you cannot get buy. Not even in a mini cooper on two wheels.

* If you come out and see that your side view mirror is ripped off dont automatically assume it was me. It was probably the idiot trying to squeeze by me.

* Honking your horn is not going to move my truck. I assure you I already know I'm blocking your path and you blowing your horn constantly is only going to piss me off which in turn is only going to make me take longer to piss you off.

* If you ordered huge package from pottery barn, west elm, ikea, or overstock.com and I'm nice enough to bring it in your house b/c your weak, old, with child, have broken limb or just plain lazy dont tip me a dang dollar an think anything else is going to make it to your house on 1st attempt or in one piece.

* Dont bitch because I threw your lands-end or j crew package to your door. Its only a fricking shirt calm your nerves.

* Dont tell me you damn life story unless your paying me to listen. I am on a time line. Shut up and just sign.

* Lock up your dog/cat/bad ass kid or whatever else is wild behind your door. If it comes at me I will f*ck it up with whatever I can get my hands on to defend myself.

* And dont try to jump in my face about a package that UPS lost somewhere in transition. I am only a driver I only deliver what they put on my truck. I have not been a driver my whole life and dont think this brown uniform will stop you from getting your ass kicked

* And always remember my truck is bigger than your vehicle. Its raggedy as hell and DOES NOT STOP ON A DIME and never will. Dont cut me off or ride your bike in my path or think you can beat me across the street. I promise you will end up the loser guaranteed

UpstateNYUPSer · 10-01-2009, 04:46 PM

There's 30 seconds I'll never get back.

DFWM · 10-01-2009, 05:06 PM

I'm so sorry you wasted 30 seconds of your oh-so-precious time.

UpstateNYUPSer · 10-01-2009, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DFWM

I'm so sorry you wasted 30 seconds of your oh-so-precious time.

Apology accepted.

DFWM · 10-01-2009, 05:15 PM

Thank you so, so much for accepting my apology! Gosh I feel soooo much better!!

stevetheupsguy · 10-01-2009, 05:29 PM

I take it DFWM is the original Craig's list poster?

rod · 10-01-2009, 06:05 PM

Am I to understand that you (they) actually expect a tip?

brownrodster · 10-01-2009, 08:47 PM

I got a tip once from an ancient old lady who's apartment smelled like barf. I wadded the money up in a ball and threw it at the bum on the corner.

stevetheupsguy · 10-02-2009, 04:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brownrodster

I got a tip once from an ancient old lady who's apartment smelled like barf. I wadded the money up in a ball and threw it at the bum on the corner.

Whenever I get smelly tip money, I leave it on a shelf in the pkg car and wash it when I get to the gas station. You can also ask for someone to change it at the store.

UpstateNYUPSer · 10-02-2009, 04:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetheupsguy

Whenever I get smelly tip money, I leave it on a shelf in the pkg car and wash it when I get to the gas station. You can also ask for someone to change it at the store.

So you pass your smelly tip money on to someone else?

Just throw it in with your next load of laundry. Seriously.

stevetheupsguy · 10-02-2009, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UpstateNYUPSer

So you pass your smelly tip money on to someone else?

Just throw it in with your next load of laundry. Seriously.

How's about I just NDA it to you? I have one customer who's house absolutely reaks of cigarette smoke, though he's a great tipper. I would have to wash that $10 bill till the ink washed off.

dilligaf · 10-03-2009, 07:00 PM

DFWM I thought it was pretty funny. Some just waste time bitching about they time they wasted. Don't worry about it.

phantom1999 · 10-03-2009, 08:18 PM

i thought that person hit the nail on the head..

over9five · 10-04-2009, 05:24 AM

I liked it!

jimstud · 10-04-2009, 08:33 AM

you only forgot one thing ."what's in the package"?

ticoo · 10-04-2009, 10:35 AM

Other than the tip money and not getting your pkg on 1st attempt I agree we make a good salary tips make no difference. If and when i get them i give it to my loader in a.m.

Failure Boy · 10-07-2009, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimstud

you only forgot one thing ."what's in the package"?

Haha, i had the good ol' "what's in it?" again yesterday...
Classic.

stevetheupsguy · 10-07-2009, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Failure Boy

Haha, i had the good ol' "what's in it?" again yesterday...
Classic.

Hey FB, do you speak english all the time or just on here? Just curious.

toonertoo · 10-07-2009, 05:59 PM

Customer complaints...... and a A PCM a few wks ago? about dog bites.

I got an idea if your dog bites, dont let it out. Dont tell me it bites and think I have to wait to personally hand you a package, until you contain your animal, I dont. I MCW, I think you are and Im gone. And do not call in a complaint that I am unprofessional because I tell you if it bites, dont let it out, your dog can fit through the slats in your fence so Duh. Sarcasm is not unprofessional, saying you are an idiot without a clue, that would be unprofessional. I did not.
Do not cry and complain and call me unprofessional because I cant wait for a COD, when you get one once a year. Dont say I act like I am in a hurry, when I in my normal life wouldnt wait for your slow dead a** to make a decision. You want it you dont, heres a note cya tomorrow, it will give you plenty of time to decide. I have too many people depending on me to provide them a service to dis them for you.

No I could not knock on your door, I repeatedly tooted my horn, and snuck up to the other side of your porch and dropped the pkg, and knocked on the ledge. The option would have been you dont get it as there was a big boxer running loose who heard my horn, and came to greet me, and the only reason I finally put it where I did is because he was in the process of humping the dog tied out back next door, and I took a shot and got it on your porch and left. I know it was not your dog, it was a loose dog. So I did not do it by the book but I made the service. If that doesnt suit you, then move to a neighborhood where loose dogs dont run the streets, I do the best I can.
You know at UPS you only hear the bad things you do, and of course a sup always apologizes for your bad behavior. Before they ask, their mind is made up. The customer is always right, dontchaknow.
My behavior isnt bad, but I will look out for number one, thats me.
And no one pays me enough to get bit by a dog, been there done that.

stevetheupsguy · 10-07-2009, 06:09 PM

Now that was keeping in line with this thread!

toonertoo · 10-07-2009, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetheupsguy

Now that was keeping in line with this thread!

I try and I feel much better.

NHDRVR · 10-11-2009, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UpstateNYUPSer

There's 30 seconds I'll never get back.

2nd

NHDRVR · 10-11-2009, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toonertoo

Customer complaints...... and a A PCM a few wks ago? about dog bites.

I got an idea if your dog bites, dont let it out. Dont tell me it bites and think I have to wait to personally hand you a package, until you contain your animal, I dont. I MCW, I think you are and Im gone. And do not call in a complaint that I am unprofessional because I tell you if it bites, dont let it out, your dog can fit through the slats in your fence so Duh. Sarcasm is not unprofessional, saying you are an idiot without a clue, that would be unprofessional. I did not.
Do not cry and complain and call me unprofessional because I cant wait for a COD, when you get one once a year. Dont say I act like I am in a hurry, when I in my normal life wouldnt wait for your slow dead a** to make a decision. You want it you dont, heres a note cya tomorrow, it will give you plenty of time to decide. I have too many people depending on me to provide them a service to dis them for you.

No I could not knock on your door, I repeatedly tooted my horn, and snuck up to the other side of your porch and dropped the pkg, and knocked on the ledge. The option would have been you dont get it as there was a big boxer running loose who heard my horn, and came to greet me, and the only reason I finally put it where I did is because he was in the process of humping the dog tied out back next door, and I took a shot and got it on your porch and left. I know it was not your dog, it was a loose dog. So I did not do it by the book but I made the service. If that doesnt suit you, then move to a neighborhood where loose dogs dont run the streets, I do the best I can.
You know at UPS you only hear the bad things you do, and of course a sup always apologizes for your bad behavior. Before they ask, their mind is made up. The customer is always right, dontchaknow.
My behavior isnt bad, but I will look out for number one, thats me.
And no one pays me enough to get bit by a dog, been there done that.

I couldn't find a post I made on this subject but with the whole dogs and work thing...

The majority of people in this world understand the 90/10 rule. It pertains to how we publicly live our lives in this way. 10% of the world screw it up for the 90%. It's that simple. And, it's the same 10% for everything. Think about it, the same person who has no idea their dog bites the UPS guy is also oblivious to the fact he/she shouldn't conduct business while they are driving, the bring 75 items in the 'quick' checkout lane, and so on and so on...

What sucks is that as we do our jobs and filter these people out they somehow, magically maybe, find ways to infect others...

cachsux · 10-11-2009, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NHDRVR

I couldn't find a post I made on this subject but with the whole dogs and work thing...

The majority of people in this world understand the 90/10 rule. It pertains to how we publicly live our lives in this way. 10% of the world screw it up for the 90%. It's that simple. And, it's the same 10% for everything. Think about it, the same person who has no idea their dog bites the UPS guy is also oblivious to the fact he/she shouldn't conduct business while they are driving, the bring 75 items in the 'quick' checkout lane, and so on and so on...

What sucks is that as we do our jobs and filter these people out they somehow, magically maybe, find ways to infect others...

There`s also the same ones who shouldn`t reproduce but that ratio might be closer to 50%.

City Driver · 10-31-2009, 10:14 AM

i vote this guy member of the year