in need of some honest opinions and experiences

helenofcalifornia · 04-14-2008, 10:26 PM

So do you think she is shopping just to shop and spend money, or is it necessary? Depressed? How long have you been married? As a driver that probably is away from my home from 7:30 A.M. to 7:30 P.M. most week nights, I want to spend the weekends at home. I try to do the shopping at night after work (thank God Costco is open until 8:30!). I hope you guys resolve this issue sooner rather than later. Long hours and being tired on the weekends is in your future and you both better come to grips with it one way or the other. You are in a tough spot right now. Good luck.

Forty6and2 · 04-15-2008, 03:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by helenofcalifornia

So do you think she is shopping just to shop and spend money, or is it necessary? Depressed? How long have you been married? As a driver that probably is away from my home from 7:30 A.M. to 7:30 P.M. most week nights, I want to spend the weekends at home. I try to do the shopping at night after work (thank God Costco is open until 8:30!). I hope you guys resolve this issue sooner rather than later. Long hours and being tired on the weekends is in your future and you both better come to grips with it one way or the other. You are in a tough spot right now. Good luck.

some of the shopping is necessary shopping. first you have the groceries-thats normal. then sometimes she wants to go check out kohls or somewhere else to see if she can find some good shirts or pants for work-thats also normal. i really don't think its about "spending the money" because she saves EVERY penny. If I ever want to purchase something its like pulling teeth trying to get her to part with the money. she claims she "can't just do nothing" for a weekend. (its the activity of going somewhere rather than sitting around the house all weekend.)

UpstateNYUPSer · 04-15-2008, 04:19 AM

Forty, I apologize, I did not read the part where your wife does have a job outside of the house.

feeder53 · 04-15-2008, 07:53 AM

I have had these same issues throughout the years. I took it as a ballance of what the partnership could mutually agree on....after all there are at least two in the game. Some times after work and I still had energy left I would pick up the groceries, or cook supper or whatever I could do to free up some time. As time went on and we first communicated our needs...and then did what we could to open up some time...we learned to work it out together...Even if you get home first and draw her a hot bubble bath with candles throughout the bathroom for her to relax when she got home....just some small things to let her/him know that you understand and are trying...Let her/him do the driving....Try to fit something in for both parties....A relationship is a full time job too.

Forty6and2 · 04-15-2008, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UpstateNYUPSer

Forty, I apologize, I did not read the part where your wife does have a job outside of the house.

Upstate- no biggie.

Harley Rider · 04-18-2008, 07:32 PM

Wow!

What a great thread. I could probably post a book in here but will try to keep it short.

My wife and I are on the same page here. There is nothing more we both enjoy than coming home, especially on the w/e, and never leaving the house. Even when I was single, I never cared for running the streets. I have friends that will put 30,000 miles a year on their cars. They never sit still. Always on the go. My Brother in Law is always on the run somewhere. And when he is home he is not happy unless he has a house full of friends over.

There are times when the wife and I enjoy getting out to eat or doing some shopping but if it was an every weekend thing with her, we would not be together long. Its just not my lifestyle.

I hope you get it sorted out. I bet if her job was as physically demanding as yours she would be happy to have some down time.

helenofcalifornia · 04-18-2008, 07:46 PM

You know, that's probably what the difference is. She doesn't have a physically demanding job. I never thought what it must be like for guys who drive all week long and then go home to a wife that wants to go out. I, too, on the weekends hate to leave home. I can putter around the backyard for hours. I am into rototilling the garden right now. (yeah, a little late for California) I hope you come to some sort of agreement on the weekend issue. Maybe she will agree to one day out and one day in. What are you going to do this weekend? Good luck again.

upslady20 · 04-18-2008, 08:06 PM

I cannot imagine my husband going with me to the grocery store everytime.. or to any stores for that matter.. I like to get in and get out with whatever I need.. I ask him if he needs anything special and pick it up for him.. He will go to Walmart sometime during the week and pick up items that suddenly are needed or a sweet tooth attack. But I cannot imagine him tagging along.. I know he will and has if I ask him if he wants to go but since I know he also works hard during the week that only one of us should suffer the shopping.
We have found that we both enjoy going out and enjoying are own hobbies on the weekend for on afternoon.. He golfs I ride horses and we are both happy having done something that we both enjoy.
We also share housework.. he can cook and clean with no problem. Laundry is not his thing but he does try and help out since I work later than he does.
We aslo go on separate vacations at times.. We are not tied at the hip which makes things better for us. If the other person does not want to do something it is no big deal and it is easier to compromise since we are able to have fun with or without each other and enjoy sharing our stories after our outings..
Stay home and get your battery recharged while she runs the errands and then maybe you can face the world on a social level together and both have a good time.

Forty6and2 · 04-18-2008, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by helenofcalifornia

You know, that's probably what the difference is. She doesn't have a physically demanding job. I never thought what it must be like for guys who drive all week long and then go home to a wife that wants to go out. I, too, on the weekends hate to leave home. I can putter around the backyard for hours. I am into rototilling the garden right now. (yeah, a little late for California) I hope you come to some sort of agreement on the weekend issue. Maybe she will agree to one day out and one day in. What are you going to do this weekend? Good luck again.

the reason i posted this thread was because it seems that we tend to be really busy with stuff. the holidays are winding down and she has alot of family and friends birthdays that we attend pretty much every weekend from febuary and into march. this weekend is actually going to be the first weekend in probably 3 months that we have actually "done nothing."

we got groceries tonight and then picked up a couple of pizzas. we shouldn't have anything else to do this weekend other than enjoy each others company. (she happens to be fertile this weekend too...) no kids for us yet- but thats a whole different post. (we had 2 miscarriages last year and one this year.)

she agreed to give me one weekend a month where we can just hang out. some months it may not be possible for one, but at least i got her to agree to try to give me some time away from friends and family.

Forty6and2 · 04-18-2008, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Harley Rider

Wow!

What a great thread. I could probably post a book in here but will try to keep it short.

My wife and I are on the same page here. There is nothing more we both enjoy than coming home, especially on the w/e, and never leaving the house. Even when I was single, I never cared for running the streets. I have friends that will put 30,000 miles a year on their cars. They never sit still. Always on the go. My Brother in Law is always on the run somewhere. And when he is home he is not happy unless he has a house full of friends over.

There are times when the wife and I enjoy getting out to eat or doing some shopping but if it was an every weekend thing with her, we would not be together long. Its just not my lifestyle.

I hope you get it sorted out. I bet if her job was as physically demanding as yours she would be happy to have some down time.

i have to agree with you on the fact that if her job was as demanding as mine, she would understand. she is lucky to only have to go two places everyday. work...and then home. that kind of thing would be a luxury to any of you full-time drivers and us cover drivers. but it sure can feel rewarding to know that youve gone to 120 different places in one day.

trplnkl · 04-19-2008, 07:14 AM

Quote:

we had 2 miscarriages last year and one this year.

My heart goes out to you and your wife for your loses. Use this time without children to work out these issues, even the small issues. I have always felt that it was more the "little issues" rather than the major ones that really hurt a marriage. My theory is based on the fact that major problems are usually handled pretty quickly but the minor ones are just back-burnered and begin to fester. At some point in time they become insurmountable. However, it sounds as you are getting a good start at working this out. Good luck to you and your wife.

dillweed · 04-20-2008, 04:39 AM

Oh boy, hope I don't shake this thread up but have a few feelings.

If you are not agreeing on things like going out, who does the shopping, running and so forth what's going to happen when an infant enters the picture? Hate to tell you this but a baby will dominate your lives and add stress to the situation. Yes, it's a miracle and sweet and proof of your manhood but it isn't a toy. Babies don't help a troubled marriage and shouldn't be subjected to turmoil. When you come home so tired will you be willing to change diapers, clean up spittle, read to and play with it? Will you be able to understand the frustration of a wife and mother who hasn't had one free minute all day? Will you be willing to run out to the store after work for formula or diapers or will you expect her to bundle the child up and go herself?

Your job is very difficult, it's true but so are other jobs. No one can disregard the work of another person just because they feel it's not difficult.

Seems that compromise is lacking and maybe both of you need to work on that prior to bringing another human being into the situation.

I don't mean to offend or judge your situation.

toonertoo · 04-20-2008, 05:07 AM

One thing I disagree with you on dillweed, is the bundling the baby and going out herself line.
I feel an at home mother after the first six weeks(and before that) is perfectly capable of going to the store for whatever she is out of. I think Moms today, are way too spoiled by men who do not know any better. And then in turn those children are spoiled. You want a baby it is an attachment, you learn to take it everywhere, 1,2,3, or more of them, if you have them you deal with it. And it can be fun, as every minute is a learning experience. They learn how to act, and see the wonderful new world. Think back to simpler times, did the guys in the field all day, come home and do the womens chores? No, the women did their own, plus had his dinner ready, and house spotless. It is about making a family, and everyone has to pitch in, but everyone has their responsibilities. Both mother and father should help, but the raising usually lands on the one who is at home the most. And should.

dillweed · 04-20-2008, 05:33 AM

tooner, good post and I understand your position. I stll feel the mother would benefit from some freedom during the day. Going to the store alone might seem a vacation!

I agree that bundling the little treasure up and taking him/her along is a good thing and part of parenthood but am still wondering how the demands of a child would affect this marriage situation. On a positive note, it might help the wife's urge to run all weekend and enjoy quiet time with her family. I hope the best for this family. Just asking for opinions is a great sign that forty6and2 cares.

upsdude · 04-20-2008, 05:51 AM

Great Thread, lots of questions, answers, opinions, all good.

My only job from the day my wife and I met is UPS, I think that has helped us in the long run.

My wife works an office job, 9-5 type deal and she’s off when our kids are off including summers. We share the chores, but there isn’t a list of who does what, we just do it. I just mopped the kitchen floor so I’m typing this as I wait for the floor to dry. Yesterday she sat on her butt all day, no biggie, I didn’t. By 10:00 AM yesterday I had completed 2 loads of laundry and made a trip to the junkyard. While another load of wash was running I went out in the garage and played with my newly acquired used parts.

Today my wife will probably make the weekly grocery store run and I’ll play outside. By tomorrow morning the house will be clean and all the laundry will be done. Our 12 year old will have dinner ready this evening. Yes, I said 12 year old, she is an awesome cook and don’t even think about changing the channel when Paula Dean is on.

OK, that was a weekend, what about the work days? We kind of do the same thing. Sometimes I’ll wash a load at night before bed. When I get up the stuff goes in the dryer and I get it out before I leave. Other chores can be done the same way, it’s really not that hard. Plus, having kids ages 12 and 15 helps too, they will help out if properly threatened.

I hear folks talk about a marriage being a 50 50 deal, I don’t buy into that at all. I say it’s a 100 100 situation. There will be times that one of you isn’t up to your 50%, that’s when the other person makes up the difference.

Forty6and2 · 04-20-2008, 06:06 AM

wow- thank you for the help everyone. i can't believe how many people are actually helping out on this post.

toonertoo · 04-20-2008, 06:22 PM

Yes all great posts and its a win win and the only way when you work together.
Having a child cook is so cool. I remember the good old days when mine cooked for me, and tonight I had ribs cooked by my son, awesome.....
Picking up the slack, shows you work together. When Im down my husband senses it and picks up mine, when hes down I do it all also, he can cook and clean, and I can plow snow, or change the oil and its the only way it works. I think trying to divide things down the middle would be sheer horror.
What I was mainly speaking of is some of the guys I work with, get home and since their wife has been alone all day with the kids, suddenly he comes home to a second job, and while yes he should help out, it should not be his job to cook, clean, go to the store, at least not daily. And several I will call wussed out men, think that they should have to do it. Her job should not end just coz he gets home. After all he/she probaly hasnt had a minute alone all day either. And I just dont agree, thats all. Time alone, yes a wonderful thing. Reality, probably not. I kind of gave up that right when I had children. And I knew that.

dilligaf · 04-21-2008, 07:27 AM

I am fortunate in that my hubby also will help around the house. I am teaching him to cook and he is great at doing dishes. I won't let him do laundry, but if asked he would. He goes to the store every MON after he gets done with work. We are fortunate in that we both drive professionally so we both know what its like. He is home every nite but in bed by the time I get home, and gone before I get up. So, except on the rare occasion, we only see each other on the week ends.

We talk on the phone several times a day and we always communicate on plans for the weekends. We enjoy doing the same things and enjoy being with each other so what ever plans we make are beneficial to both of us. We might spend the weekend in the garage working on vehicles (Tooner, I too get in there and do as much he does, maybe tearing an engine aprt or changing oil. LOL) or right now we are working on adding on a Master Bath and Laundry room.

The big thing is, we enjoy being with each other. We like going and doing things but we also like staying home and watching the grass grow.

moreluck · 04-21-2008, 09:48 AM

No mention yet of us lazy retirees.....hubby in his office at one end of the house and me at the desk off my kitchen at the opposite end and we e-mail each other...."lunch is ready" and "are you ready to go to the store?"

Hey, it beats yelling back & forth....no intercom here.