From The Chairman: Happy Holidays!!

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Dec 19, 2015.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Team Members,

    Thanks to each and every one of you for making Peak 2015 the best ever at FedEx Express!! Once again, we have exceeded customer expectations, delivered the Purple Promise, and made sure each and every FedEx package was delivered on-time. As usual, we had a 100% service level! Oh..umm..I'm not supposed to say that yet? OK. Dano, fetch me another Scotch, wouldn't you, boy? To Hell with you PR people!! I'm going to actually speak to the team. I shouldn't do that? Why the Hell not? They love me. Screw all of you...I'm going to talk, and without a script.

    The truth is that FedEx is in the toilet. All of you lousy MFing couriers aren't being productive enough, and I'm having to stea..., um, leverage revenue from the Ground division so we can convince stockholders that FDX isn't going down the tubes. After all, I can't be losing money on all of that stock I own. God, I hope I can dump most of it before this shatstorm hits the fan. Think anyone will notice?

    My disappointment in management is overwhelming. God, they suck. MT3 is worthless, and all Dave does is sit in his office and talk to his contractors about the new Aspen home he is having built. And all of my field management team? Worthless morons. All they do is generate more lawsuits and screw things up. Another Scotch, Dano.

    While I'm at it, screw you Jeff Bezos!! We're making pennies a package on our Amazon volume, and you have the brass balls to threaten us with your own package airline? Your recent letter telling me what a poor job FedEx was doing servicing Amazon customers really hurt my feelings. And in response, I'm going to do...nothing. I can't, because nobody wants to work at FedEx any more. I can't understand why, because our wages and benefits continue to lead the industry. Just do a head-to-head comparison with UPS! No, wait...don't do that. How about a head-to-head comparison with WalMart? There you go! Hey, we look outstanding, don't we?

    It's so bad that Forbes wouldn't take my $5M check to make sure FedEx is ranked as one of the "100 Best Places To Work". When Donald Trump is elected President, you just wait and see. He'll pass legislation allowing me to import workers from overseas and kick all of your worthless asses out on the street where they belong!! MORE Scotch, Dano, and make it a double. Snap to it, boy!

    Do you really want to know what I think of my employees? OK, I'll tell you. They're a means to an end, and nothing else. I could care less if you're sick, lame, injured, or if your family has problems and your wife has some terminal disease. You're nothing but revenue generators, and you've never been anything else. PSP and Bravo Zulu are worthless, meaningless garbage meant to get you to buy-in to my scam, and most of you fools did. Dano, this glass is empty!! Just give me the effing bottle, you little piece of crap!

    It's all about me, and me making money...lots of it. It's all I care about, and I live for the power and influence money gives me. God might have given me a 2-inch weenie, but he also gave me a rich Daddy, and he'd be proud of what I have become. The Fuhrer of FedEx, and wealthy enough not to care about the little people like all of you.

    Anyway, I've got to go to bed now, because my handlers say I'm talking way too much.

    Screw all of you.

    Frederick W. Smith
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  2. Cactus

    Cactus Just telling it like it is

    So..........Mr. Weasel, in other words no Christmas bonus?
  3. I was wondering when the holiday message from the chairman was.
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  4. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    The "W" stands for WINNER. I have authorized Egg McMuffins this year instead of sausage biscuits. That is your bonus.


    F.W. Smith