From The Chairman: Peak Secret Memo

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Nov 12, 2013.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Management Team Members,

    This Peak season, we will be facing special challenges in the Express division. I need all of you to step-up and face the challenge head-on, and lie like you've never lied before. Basically, I have bit off more than I can chew, and you're going to have to make-up the difference by abusing hourlies even more than you already are doing. Here are a few of our problems:

    1. Ground volumes are projected to be 30% above last Peak. Frankly, we cannot handle this amount of freight, but we're lying to all of the big shippers and telling them we have "contingency plans". We were totally screwed until Matt Thornton thought of the Express Safety Valve (ESV) program, where Ground shippers will be given the option to upgrade to Express for free. This will force those lazy Express couriers who are only doing 100% to do 130%...or more. We are in the process of re-evaluating all SPH goals and simply raising them by at least 30%.

    2. Discipline: Here's where station management team members enter the picture. If a courier cannot make the new enhanced SPH goals, progressive discipline is to be applied, up to and including termination if SPH falls below 90% for more than 2 consecutive days.

    3. 13/14. We need to encourage more couriers to work through breaks to raise productivity. This is easy to accomplish simply by tasking the courier with more than is humanly possible to do within the established timeframe. Simply put, give them too much to do, and then discipline them if they aren't able to make SPH goals, bring back DEX 01s, or have any lates.

    4. 28/29: If you are in a state with 28/29 laws, encourage couriers to skip these breaks to raise productivity. Again, tasking each with more than is humanly possible will encourage working through these unnecessary and frivolous "free money" giveaways to workers.

    5. Recorders: Yes, I know they're illegal, but use them anyway when you have late aircraft/CTVs, or bad weather. The key is to intimidate employees into thinking that they will get in trouble for coming-in at their regularly scheduled start times. Threaten with OLCCs and letters if anyone dares ignore the instructions of the recorder.

    5. Safety: There's no way we can push people this hard and still be safe, so lie, and always tell couriers to "Be Safe", even though that's impossible. Confusing them only helps ensure higher productivity and threats make it even more likely that employees will speed and cut corners on safety. I'm willing to have as many of them die or be injured as necessary for us to make our productivity and financial goals.

    6. Intimidation: I cannot emphasize strongly enough the necessity of intimidation at all times, especially with "bad attitude employees" that question the infallible judgment and decisions of management. All high-seniority and/or Legacy employees are to be especially targeted, because eliminating them saves me even more money.

    7. Lying to Customers: This is especially crucial, because we are looking at very poor service levels this peak. WE want their money, but we do NOT want to provide them the service they expect. When they complain, tell lies...the bigger the better. If it's an important account or influential recipient, nuance the lie , but still lie whenever necessary to protect profits. All Call Center employees who can speak English have been given an Approved Lie List (ALL), which absolutely, positively, must be used to protect our corporate integrity standards. Lies 1-10 on the list may be used if the customer is slightly angry, 11-15 if they are really angry, and 16-20 if they are threatening to come and blow-up the local station. ONLY USE APPROVED LIES FROM THE ALL. Failure to do so will result in immediate termination.

    8. Forget Your Family: I own your ass this Christmas, just like I own it every other day of the year. I could give a crap about your holiday plans or those of your employees. Christmas is a time for profit, and Jesus picked me to be his Chosen One. Serve me, and screw your kids and family. You can have your holiday when I say it's OK. I'm thinking January 3rd, 2014. This will be an unpaid "holiday" since volumes will be low and we will have excess personnel stealing my money by not being at 130%.

    Finally, I have just about had it with employees failing to meet productivity standards that our engineers say are very easily met with just a few more threats and intimidation. No more McDonald's breakfasts, or free coffee for these slacker employees. They need OLCC and Letter motivation, not coddling and encouragement. I want more profit, and if you members of our management team cannot provide it, you are also expendable. Effective immediately, if we have anything but 130% from all couriers, I will be hunting for your head. Know it, and know I'm not your friend either.

    Happy Holidays,

    Frederick W. Smith
  2. Cactus

    Cactus Just telling it like it is

    1. Fred Smith

    2. Matthew Thornton III

    3. Upper management
  3. Route 66

    Route 66 Bent Member

  4. UnsurePost

    UnsurePost making the unreadable unreadabler

    You all get McDonalds breakfast?
  5. overflowed

    overflowed Well-Known Member

    I don't think we'll get any breakfast this year. If we do it might be a package of salt or pepper.
  6. Cactus

    Cactus Just telling it like it is

    Uh, no. They would consider that too elite.
  7. dezguy

    dezguy Well-Known Member

    McDonalds breakfasts would be classy for us. We usually get croissants that were picked up the day before from the grocery store around the corner from the station. Nothing says appreciation like day old, stale breakfast pastry.
  8. Cactus

    Cactus Just telling it like it is

    Good reason to call in sick the next day.
  9. hypo hanna

    hypo hanna Well-Known Member

    ​Cant have both. That would be coddling the drivers.
  10. CJinx

    CJinx Well-Known Member

    I think we're doing bagged lunches or something like that for the drivers.
  11. bbsam

    bbsam Moderator Staff Member

    Miracle Whip?
  12. CJinx

    CJinx Well-Known Member

    Condiment packets in every bag. Choice of chips, veggies, cookies, and a soda, lemonade or water.
  13. Route 66

    Route 66 Bent Member

    That's what we're getting too. The bags are coming from the local dog park.