From The Chairman: Say The Right Thing (STRT)

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Oct 28, 2013.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Team Members,

    Bravo Zulu, and a special thanks for getting poorer so I can be richer. I am loving the rise in stock prices lately, and every penny I take from you goes straight into the profit till. When the stock hits $150 per share, I'll be so rich I won't know what to do with myself. BZ for me!!

    But on a more serious note, I need you to start Saying The Right Thing (STRT). Please do not confuse this with doing the right thing, which we certainly cannot afford. Let me explain this, because I know you're all gullible and stupid. Please don't talk back or disagree, because you've proven me right on this for many years. Still union-free and raping you at-will.

    The essence of STRT is to tell the customer what they want to hear, but without doing anything to assist them. One of the best examples was our former Expedite Program, where we would take all steps necessary to get the customer their package on-time, especially if we made a mistake. If little Tommy's cornea or kidney accidentally got put in an AMJ to LAX instead of PHX, one of our expedite couriers would retrieve the package, expedite it via a commercial airline, and another expedite courier would retrieve and deliver it in PHX where it belonged. Maybe Tommy had to wait in the OR for an extra 4 hours, but his operation would still happen. Well, that was cutting into my profits, so we ended the Expedite program to save money. Now, Tommy's new body part rots out in the warehouse while we STRT the customer.

    When Tommy's doctors or frantic parents call the 1-800 GoFedex number in Mumbai or San Salvador, STRT goes into action. "Yes, Tommy's parent and doctors, FedEx will absolutely, positively do everything to get you your vital package". In other words, we say the right thing, but actually DO nothing at all. I could give a crap about Tommy and his transplant...expediting that package costs me money. Years ago, we would have followed through on the promise, but NOW, all we do is make the promise, and do NOTHING. No cost to me, and the customer believes we are frantically trying to get them their shipment. LOL!!

    Remember the monitor-tossing courier? Ordinarily, we would have denied the customer's claim and said they "packaged the monitor incorrectly", thereby negating the claim and allowing us to keep all the shipping and declared value charges. But since this customer had it on tape, we had to STRT. At the time, MT3 was getting his daily hot-stone massage from Dano, but he jumped into action and performed some heroic STRT to "assure" our customers we cared about every single precious package. I could give a rat's ass about any package (except one of mine), and MT3 got a big fat double-bonus for pulling that gem out of his butt. STRT in action!!

    STRT works for every situation!! You simply tell the customer exactly what they want to hear, but don't follow through. Saying the right thing is free, but doing the right thing is very expensive. That was the old Federal Express, not FedEx. We aren't in the business to provide a service to our customers, we are here to make a profit, and that's all that matters. See?

    If you're going to have a DEX 01 on a stop and the customer calls the Call Center, here's the Action Plan:

    1. Process the customer complaint/request through one of our offshore Call Centers. If that alone doesn't cause the customer to shoot or hang themselves, the "problem" will be handed-off to either a CSA or Dispatcher. Using STRT, that employee then promises that the package will most certainly "be delivered within the hour", when no attempt will be made until at least the next day. See? The customer thinks we care, when we could really care less!! Net cost to me? Zero.

    2. If the customer calls back later, repeat Step 1.

    3. If they call back again, or try to access a supervisor or The Executive Desk, just hang-up!

    4. As an alternative to #3, transfer the customer back to the offshore Call Center.

    You see, STRT works because FedEx still (amazingly) has a reputation of being a company that cares about customer service. I purposely went overboard during the early years of the company to build this stellar reputation so I could use it later for purposes like STRT. We don't give a shat about employees OR customers, but they don't know that. This is why I lug those damned smelly pandas and seals all over the freaking they think we DO care. Same with that ORBIS deal. We give them a crapped-out DC10 that was going to the boneyard in Arizona, and then reap all of the positive publicity. See, we Said the Right Thing...and it worked.

    It's just like all the horseshat we fill you with...PSP, "affordable quality benefits", and all of the rest of the lies we tell you every single day. We do STRT on you...and you don't even realize it!! If you get hurt or have an accident, we are going to "care" you out the door as quickly as possible, while simultaneously Saying The Right Thing(s), that will keep us out of court and in the black. God, you really are effing dumb, aren't you? More money for me, more money for me!!

    You're all stupid, and I hate every single one of you money-stealing bastards. You are lucky to have a job and to have me even speak with you. I only care about the folks who keep me in the political allies. Eff you all.


    Frederick "Winning!!" Smith
  2. eiknx

    eiknx New Member

    is that ups truck in accident with fedex in your avatar?
  3. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

  4. Route 66

    Route 66 Bent Member

    Another gem from the delightfully-demented mind of MFE!
  5. Mr. 7

    Mr. 7 The monkey on the left.

    It just boggles my mind how MFE has time to come up with these hysterical stories while working 40(+?) hrs. a week and having a hot (according to him) wife and, some sort of child.

    Gotta go eat this...:spaghetti:
  6. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    I may or may not have gone PT or I may or may not actually be a Grade 27 employee pretending to be a courier. Perhaps, or maybe just on Mondays. Or not... You decide.
  7. DontThrowPackages

    DontThrowPackages Well-Known Member

    In 1999 I would ask the question to MFE, what kind of bitter soul you must be to make up such things about this company. 2013, I can only agree with him. It's just what I feel. If I said otherwise, its would be a lie. Anyone care to set an over/under on the amount of years before the company re-brands(dumps) the xpress division? I see it coming back as xpress-fast(or whatever). It will be staffed by old xpress drivers willing to come back to their same job but for no benefits,per package pay(eliminating having to pay OT) and FX ground drivers taken away from contractors. What once was xpress will be merged together with ground. I bet you all wondered why ground warehouses are so big :devil3:. The powerpads will become integrated, vacation will be capped to 1 week per year. The company will probably cut ties with the contractors. As long as people are willing to work for no bene's, no need for the middle man anymore. That's 100,000 to 250,000 going into the pockets of the leader for every contractor.
    I'm willing to bet this all happens 4 years from may 31st. What say you?
  8. Route 66

    Route 66 Bent Member

    sadly, I certainly wouldn't bet against you there, DTP ..... fortunately I'll be long gone by then. But I still feel badly for all those who still have too many years left to go in this pathetic s#ithole.