MrFedEx
Engorged Member
dDear Team Members,
Bravo Zulu!! Ground is good and pandas are even better!! God Bless each and every one of you as you deliver our precious packages of holiday cheer!! It's your hard work and dedication that keep us on top of the air express world and able to provide you industry-leading wages and benefits!!
Lately, I've been diagnosed with "telephone ear", because I've had to field so many angry calls from Jeff Bezos, Apple, and a lot of our big accounts. It seems some of you are NOT delivering The Purple Promise! I've also got a lot of positive feedback from couriers and management about this year's Peak Action Plan. With just a few exceptions from bad attitude employees, this Peak is going exceedingly smoothly thanks to PAP. Our solution is just to have everyone work harder and faster so we can pump-up profits and the stock price. So my guess is all of those trailers and containers full of Amazon and other precious freight aren't delivered because you aren't moving fast enough. Our DRA engineering team has assured me that every route we have is capable of at least 30 SPH, or 1 stop every 2 minutes. With all that we provide you, why won't you work harder for Uncle Matt? I want that new jet Fred promised me if the stock got high enough.
You know, I have been working my fingers to the bone this year attending holiday parties and meeting people a lot more important than you are. Besides "telephone ear", I'm also suffering from "caviar finger" and "cocktail weenie" thumb from lifting all of that food to my mouth. I've shaken so many hands that I'm going to have to extend my Hawaiian vacation through the entire month of January. I'm leaving tomorrow, since I've done all of your heavy lifting for you. Whew!! I need a break. By this time Saturday, I'll be laying in my hammock having Dano rub warm oil all over my bu...back.
That means I'll have to miss my annual appearance at the Hub where I actually touch a package and pretend to be part of Team FedEx. But I'll be there with you in-spirit! Besides, Corporate Security has advised me I am SO popular right now that it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to be seen in the Hub, or a station...or anywhere. I guess I'd be mobbed with employee fans who love me and what I do for them every day!! You see, I give you the Purple Promise, right where you need it the most!
The bottom line is that we need you to be Peak Performers this year!! Look at everything we've done for you this year!! DRA, those great new insurance options, snappy uniforms, and all the rest of the many great things I'm sure we've done for you!! At FedEx, we really do care about you. Now, get out there and make Uncle Matt some long green to show me how much you love me back.
Ho Ho Ho!!
Santa Thornton
Bravo Zulu!! Ground is good and pandas are even better!! God Bless each and every one of you as you deliver our precious packages of holiday cheer!! It's your hard work and dedication that keep us on top of the air express world and able to provide you industry-leading wages and benefits!!
Lately, I've been diagnosed with "telephone ear", because I've had to field so many angry calls from Jeff Bezos, Apple, and a lot of our big accounts. It seems some of you are NOT delivering The Purple Promise! I've also got a lot of positive feedback from couriers and management about this year's Peak Action Plan. With just a few exceptions from bad attitude employees, this Peak is going exceedingly smoothly thanks to PAP. Our solution is just to have everyone work harder and faster so we can pump-up profits and the stock price. So my guess is all of those trailers and containers full of Amazon and other precious freight aren't delivered because you aren't moving fast enough. Our DRA engineering team has assured me that every route we have is capable of at least 30 SPH, or 1 stop every 2 minutes. With all that we provide you, why won't you work harder for Uncle Matt? I want that new jet Fred promised me if the stock got high enough.
You know, I have been working my fingers to the bone this year attending holiday parties and meeting people a lot more important than you are. Besides "telephone ear", I'm also suffering from "caviar finger" and "cocktail weenie" thumb from lifting all of that food to my mouth. I've shaken so many hands that I'm going to have to extend my Hawaiian vacation through the entire month of January. I'm leaving tomorrow, since I've done all of your heavy lifting for you. Whew!! I need a break. By this time Saturday, I'll be laying in my hammock having Dano rub warm oil all over my bu...back.
That means I'll have to miss my annual appearance at the Hub where I actually touch a package and pretend to be part of Team FedEx. But I'll be there with you in-spirit! Besides, Corporate Security has advised me I am SO popular right now that it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to be seen in the Hub, or a station...or anywhere. I guess I'd be mobbed with employee fans who love me and what I do for them every day!! You see, I give you the Purple Promise, right where you need it the most!
The bottom line is that we need you to be Peak Performers this year!! Look at everything we've done for you this year!! DRA, those great new insurance options, snappy uniforms, and all the rest of the many great things I'm sure we've done for you!! At FedEx, we really do care about you. Now, get out there and make Uncle Matt some long green to show me how much you love me back.
Ho Ho Ho!!
Santa Thornton
