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Life After Brown
Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="moreluck" data-source="post: 229417" data-attributes="member: 1246"><p><span style="color: red"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><strong><em>To all Pet Owners....</em></strong></span></span></p><p> </p><p><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: red"><span style="color: red"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><strong><em>To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height</em></strong></span></span></span></span></span></em></strong></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Dear Dogs and Cats:</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue">The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">slightest.</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">because I fall faster than you can run.</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">canine or feline attendance is not required.</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">I cannot stress this enough!</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">front door:</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets: </span></span></span></span></p><ol> <li data-xf-list-type="ol"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">They live here. You don't. </span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) </span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. </span></span></span></span></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. </span></span></span></span></li> </ol><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue">1</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Eat less</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">2.</span></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Don't ask for money all the time</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">3.</span></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Are easier to train</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">4.</span></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Normally come when called</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">5.</span></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Never ask to drive the car</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">6.</span></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Don't hang out with drug-using friends</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">7.</span></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Don't smoke or drink</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">8.</span></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Don't have to buy the latest fashions</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">9.</span></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Don't want to wear your clothes</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">10.</span></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">And finally,</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="color: blue">11.</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: blue"><span style="color: blue"><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.</span></span></span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="moreluck, post: 229417, member: 1246"] [COLOR=red][FONT=Comic Sans MS][B][I]To all Pet Owners....[/I][/B][/FONT][/COLOR] [B][I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=4][COLOR=red][COLOR=red][FONT=Comic Sans MS][B][I]To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height[/I][/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Dear Dogs and Cats:[/FONT][/COLOR] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue]The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other[/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]slightest.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]because I fall faster than you can run.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]canine or feline attendance is not required.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]I cannot stress this enough![/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]front door:[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets: [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [LIST=1] [*][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]They live here. You don't. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [*][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/LIST][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=blue][SIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue]1[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Eat less[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]2.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Don't ask for money all the time[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]3.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Are easier to train[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]4.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Normally come when called[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]5.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Never ask to drive the car[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]6.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Don't hang out with drug-using friends[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]7.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Don't smoke or drink[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]8.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Don't have to buy the latest fashions[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]9.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Don't want to wear your clothes[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]10.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]And finally,[/FONT][/COLOR] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=blue]11.[/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
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