MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,
Bravo Zulu!! Lately, there has been a lot of buzz about my announcement that the whole team (except me) will be working Sunday, December 21st. Yes, it's true, and we'll be working Sunday, December 28th and Christmas Day too. Why? Because we are a team, and there is no "I" in team, and because it means money for me and Uncle Fred.
Christmas is an outdated holiday anyway, and your upper management team has decided it shouldn't be an issue for any of you to give up taking the day off. Frankly, we don't care about your family, your religious beliefs, or your personal mental and/or physical health. All of these dates are Maximum Profit Days (MPD), and nobody (except upper management) gets them off. No exceptions!! Except for "us", because our lives are important.
This year, MT4 is getting his own Jaguar and his own personal jet, and Dave Bronczek has told me his kids are all getting yachts. How could any of you be so heartless and cruel to interfere with our sacred holiday traditions? I've made special arrangements for my family to be together at my home in Aspen, and Dave will have his family time in Jackson Hole.
You know, Jesus was all about profit. It says so right in the Bible. I'll get back to you with the passages that pertain to this later. Suffice it to say, He would rather have you working for Fred and making a profit rather than wasting time with loved ones. Besides, you can still have a great Christmas celebration on the 24th after you get home at 10pm, or the morning of the 25th if you can do it before the 0600 sort start. We'll be serving delicious Egg McMuffins and lukewarm coffee or a donut and a can of soda. Your kids will enjoy opening their presents even more knowing you are out there delivering the Purple Promise!! They often write letters to me wishing (and praying) that their Dads and Moms could work more hours and be away all the time!! Honest!! Jesus talks about this in the Bible too!!
We must keep our shareholders and customers satisfied...that's why we do everything we do FOR YOU!!! FedEx Cares...so deeply that I'm getting all emotional here just talking about it. Dano, fetch me a tissue and another glass of Scotch!!
Jesus wants this, your family wants this, and most of all, Fred wants this...for all of us here at FedEx to have some quality family time (at work) on December 21st, December 28th, and most of all...Christmas Day!!
If anyone calls in sick or tries any "religious" excuses, you'll not only get an OLCC, but an automatic letter, regardless of your OLCC count. It says that in the Bible too.
Anyway, it's time for Dano to give me my yummy hot stone massage and peppermint blow..., umm, peppermint tea, so I've got to get going.
I'll be there with you in spirit, and we'll even make our annual tape of me touching a box to inspire you.
God Bless You, and Jesus Loves Profit (JLP).
Happy Non-Holidays!!
Uncle Matt
P.S. Don't forget, you lazy mothers. A LETTER if you don't deliver.
Bravo Zulu!! Lately, there has been a lot of buzz about my announcement that the whole team (except me) will be working Sunday, December 21st. Yes, it's true, and we'll be working Sunday, December 28th and Christmas Day too. Why? Because we are a team, and there is no "I" in team, and because it means money for me and Uncle Fred.
Christmas is an outdated holiday anyway, and your upper management team has decided it shouldn't be an issue for any of you to give up taking the day off. Frankly, we don't care about your family, your religious beliefs, or your personal mental and/or physical health. All of these dates are Maximum Profit Days (MPD), and nobody (except upper management) gets them off. No exceptions!! Except for "us", because our lives are important.
This year, MT4 is getting his own Jaguar and his own personal jet, and Dave Bronczek has told me his kids are all getting yachts. How could any of you be so heartless and cruel to interfere with our sacred holiday traditions? I've made special arrangements for my family to be together at my home in Aspen, and Dave will have his family time in Jackson Hole.
You know, Jesus was all about profit. It says so right in the Bible. I'll get back to you with the passages that pertain to this later. Suffice it to say, He would rather have you working for Fred and making a profit rather than wasting time with loved ones. Besides, you can still have a great Christmas celebration on the 24th after you get home at 10pm, or the morning of the 25th if you can do it before the 0600 sort start. We'll be serving delicious Egg McMuffins and lukewarm coffee or a donut and a can of soda. Your kids will enjoy opening their presents even more knowing you are out there delivering the Purple Promise!! They often write letters to me wishing (and praying) that their Dads and Moms could work more hours and be away all the time!! Honest!! Jesus talks about this in the Bible too!!
We must keep our shareholders and customers satisfied...that's why we do everything we do FOR YOU!!! FedEx Cares...so deeply that I'm getting all emotional here just talking about it. Dano, fetch me a tissue and another glass of Scotch!!
Jesus wants this, your family wants this, and most of all, Fred wants this...for all of us here at FedEx to have some quality family time (at work) on December 21st, December 28th, and most of all...Christmas Day!!
If anyone calls in sick or tries any "religious" excuses, you'll not only get an OLCC, but an automatic letter, regardless of your OLCC count. It says that in the Bible too.
Anyway, it's time for Dano to give me my yummy hot stone massage and peppermint blow..., umm, peppermint tea, so I've got to get going.
I'll be there with you in spirit, and we'll even make our annual tape of me touching a box to inspire you.
God Bless You, and Jesus Loves Profit (JLP).
Happy Non-Holidays!!
Uncle Matt
P.S. Don't forget, you lazy mothers. A LETTER if you don't deliver.
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