One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

Discussion in 'Life After Brown' started by moreluck, Dec 29, 2013.

  1. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    *The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year." (Steven Wright)

    *What a nice night for an evening. (Steven Wright)

    *When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" (Steven Wright)

    *Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? (Steven Wright)

    *I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright)
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  2. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    I know the voices in my head aren't real - but sometimes their ideas are absolutely awesome !
  3. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    The broccoli says, "I look like a small tree." The mushroom says, "I look like an umbrella." The walnut says, "I look like a brain and the banana says, "Can we just change the subject?""
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  4. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

    When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

    At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.

    What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

    Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

    I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
  5. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    AAAACK - utterance upon running face first into a spider web and realizing that you don't know where the spider is now.

    Whenever I enter a room...the room brightens up. I turn the light switch on.
  6. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

  7. PT Stewie

    PT Stewie "Big Fella"

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  8. PT Stewie

    PT Stewie "Big Fella"

    Brrinngg! ... the bell rings at the whorehouse. A girl answers the door, and there's a guy with no arms and no legs.
    She says, "What do you think you're gonna do in here?"
    He says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"
  9. rod

    rod #1 on Upstates "list"

    Wife who puts husband in dog house soon finds him in cat house.
  10. rod

    rod #1 on Upstates "list"

    A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
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  11. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

    I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
  12. rod

    rod #1 on Upstates "list"

    Baseball is wrong---man with four balls cannot walk
  13. Anonymous 10

    Anonymous 10 Guest

    It's all pink inside.
  14. PT Stewie

    PT Stewie "Big Fella"

    Q: What do the New Orleans Saints and possums have in common? A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
  15. MenInBrown

    MenInBrown Well-Known Member

    :happy::likeit: Go eagles!!!
  16. rod

    rod #1 on Upstates "list"

    Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
  17. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

    Cannibals like to meat people.

    A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"

    Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

    What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.

    A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  18. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    • Compromise n. The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
    • Conference n. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
    • Conference room np. A place where everyone talks, no one listens, and later everyone disagrees about what was said.
    • Doctor n. A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills.
    • Etc. abb. An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.
    • Father n. The banker that nature provides.
  19. rod

    rod #1 on Upstates "list"

    It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
  20. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    Glossary of R. Dharmarajan
    • Acre n. Someone that aches
    • Afterdraft n. Life following conscription
    • Atomize v. To transform from a male cat to a female.
    • Carnation n. Country where each citizen owns an automobile
    • Childhood n. Cowl for an infant.
    • Colander n. Someone who arrives with you on the same plane.
    • Coroner n. A round corner
    • Cytology n. The study of real estate.
    • Diode n. A pair of two long poems.
    • Emotion n. Electron movement (also e-motion).
    • Evening n. The first Chinese woman God created.
    • Exercise n. Her former body measurements.
    • Immediate v. To refrain from mediating.
    • Liquor n. How a male animal cleans his mate.
    • Manometer n. An instrument for detecting disguised males in a group of females.
    • Maritime n. Hour of a wedding.
    • Nitrate n. The price after sundown.
    • Season n. Male offspring of Poseidon.
    • Syntax n. Tariff on immorality.
    • Tautology n. A riveting, gripping study.