Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the HUB All the creatures were stirring, even that part-time schlub. The boxes were stacked ten feet in the air, In hopes that St Nick soon would be there. The Supes were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of warning letters and grievances danced in their heads. And mamma in her nighties, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for an after dinner crap, When out on the yard there arose such a clatter, I got off my fat lazy ass to see what was the matter. Away to the window I ran like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a UPS truck with eight little helpers locked in the rear. With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be some dick. More rapid than Feeders his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name! "Now Runner! now, gunner! now, Stupid and Lupid! On, Loser! On, Boozer! on, Slacker and Cracker! To the top of the building! to the back of the mall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" So up to the roof the coursers they flew, With the truck full of Zappos, and Amazon crap too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof The prancing and pawing of each seasonal goof. Just as I drew in my head, and was turning around, That fat bastard St.Nick had hit the ground. He was dressed like a pimp all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with dust and with soot. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack. His eyes were all bloodshot and red like he just rolled from the bed! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow. He had a broad face and a big round belly, That shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly! He was a fat-assed seasonal driver, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself! A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread. He sprang to his truck, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good-Night!"