FedEx BOE Makes Major Announcement

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Aug 2, 2012.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Effective immediately, the FedEx Board of Employees is terminating the positions of Frederick W. Smith, Matthew Thornton, and Dave Bronczek for Gross Leadership Failure. As responsible stewards of the company we feel it is necessary to make this painful decision and allow these individuals to pursue other interests. Despite repeated opportunities to do the right thing, Mr. Smith, Mr. Thornton, and Mr. Bronczek have continued to make inane decisions that have jeopardized the profitability of the FedEx Corporation. Replacements will be hired from outside the company since it is obvious that fresh and knowledgable leadership is highly unlikely to be found within the ranks of existing management personnel.

    Effective immediately, the following restrictions will be placed on all FedEx management above the level of Managing Director:

    1. No more interest-free loans

    2. No more stock options

    3. No more executive jet travel. The corporate jet fleet will be sold and all management will travel via coach.

    4. Meal and lodging expenses will revert to hourly levels of compensation

    5. No more bonuses. The performance of the Express division has been abysmal and to pay anyone a single penny over and above their substantial salaries would be criminal.

    6. A salary review of all management above the level of Managing Director. Again, the gross leadership failure of upper managment personnel does not justify the high rates of compensation currently being paid. There is a salary freeze for a period of one year.

    7. Further restrictions will be imposed as soon as the BOE gets a full report on the magnitude and scope of both the greed and utter incompetence of upper management. It is extensive, and criminal charges could be possible for certain individuals who have violated campaign finance law, stock market regulations, and other legal statutes.

    We, the Board of Employees are both shocked and saddened at the necessity of taking such bold actions. However, the scope of incompetence, poor judgement, and plain stupidity are simply too egregious to tolerate any longer.

    We wish these former employees the best, and look forward to making FedEx Express a great company once again.


    Your Board of Employees
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2012
  2. TUT

    TUT Well-Known Member

    Well we just learned you do not live in the US or possibly even Earth.
  3. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    If you worked here, you'd get it. All in jest..sort of. And I live on Kolob if you really want to know.


    It's a lot nicer than Uranus....
  5. SmithBarney

    SmithBarney Well-Known Member

    Kolob... I knew that sounded familiar, do you think Joe S is related to Fred?
  6. vantexan

    vantexan Well-Known Member

    I heard the Star Ship Enterprise was circling Uranus looking for Klingons... :)
  7. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Maybe. Joe was also a con artist with a cult following.
  8. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Fred wants to conquer Uranus, but there has been strong resistance.


    Most definitely strong resistance if he wants to conquer my .....oh wait, family board here!
  10. TUT

    TUT Well-Known Member

    I get it, but what you write can be used against any CEO in the world really. You are asking them to be like the rest of us. I'm with that (does Japan still have the wage rules for CEO's?), but it's too science fiction for me at this time. I have an easier time seeing monkies fly out of Jim Carey's ass.
  11. DorkHead

    DorkHead Active Member

    Yes and Spock found the "Captain`s log" in Kirk`s toilet!:wink2: