Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

oops

A young man found it impossible to get a date. He’d start to talk to a girl, and his tongue would twist up like a pretzel.

He went to a bookstore and looked for something that would help him overcome his timidity. On a nonfiction rack he saw a book titled "Ways to Women". Blowing his entire allowance, he bought the book, rushed home, and discovered that he had bought volume ten of the encyclopedia.

 

[moreluck]

Promotion....

My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced
that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all pleased
with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings
asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.

After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said,
"Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, but now I'm Frank Burns."

Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.

 

[moreluck]

Bracelet......

Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a
diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

"Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, "Will a small
deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"

 

[moreluck]

Health Plan

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."​

 

[moreluck]

Church Gossip.......

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

 

[moreluck]

Turning 30

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to
any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs,
I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my
husband.

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

 

[OldUPSDriver]

Church Gossip.......

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.[/quote]

I THINK THERE IS A PARAGRAPH MISSING!!!

 

[moreluck]

Church Gossip.... cont'd

George, a man of few words just stared at her and quietly walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening he parked his pick-up in front of Mildred's house.....walked home..... and left it there all night.

Ya gotta love George !

 

[moreluck]

Thanks for the "heads up" on that one Oldupser. For some reason the rest of the joke would not 'paste'.

 

[moreluck]

100th Birthday.....

A man is celebrating his 100th birthday, so the editor of the local newspaper sends a reporter over to do a feature story on the old timer.

The reporter begins by asking the old tried and true question, "To what do you attribute your longevity?"

"Well, young lady," the gentleman says, "I never smoked, never drank alcoholic beverages or over-ate, and I got up every morning of my life at six o'clock."

"But, I had an uncle who did exactly the same," the reporter says, "and he only lived to be 80. How do you account for that?"

"He didn't keep it up long enough," says the centenarian.

 

[OldUPSDriver]

A Womans Poem​

​

He didn't like the casserole ​

And he didn't like my cake. ​

He said my biscuits were too hard... ​

Not like his mother used to make. ​

I didn't perk the coffee right ​

He didn't like the stew, ​

I didn't mend his socks ​

The way his mother used to do. ​

I pondered for an answer ​

I was looking for a clue. ​

Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him... ​

Like his mother used to do.​

 

[moreluck]

Is There A Doctor On The Course?

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."[/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Birthday Calendar

It tells you how many hours and how many seconds you have been alive on this
earth and when you were probably conceived. How cool is that?

This is cool. After you've finished reading the info, click again, and see
what the moon looked like the nite you were born. This is neat. Who says our
time clocks aren't ticking....


Birthday Calculator <http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp>

 

[moreluck]

Law of Parenthood

There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away
from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum
lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the
distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely
proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly
proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless
it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases
with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

 

[moreluck]

Bad Golf Day

A man is having a really bad day on the golf course. By the 14th hole, he's missed one putt too many, and he lets loose with a string of profanities, grabs his putter, and storms off toward the lake by the 15th tee.

"Uh-oh," says his caddie to one of his playing partners, "There goes that club."

"You think so?" said the other golfer. "I've got five bucks says he misses the water."

 

[moreluck]

Tour of Duty

I had an extended tour of duty in Okinawa in 1958 and was unable to bring my wife and children with me. After I had been overseas eight months, I received a letter from my seven-year-old son. "Dear Dad," he wrote. "I guess Mom has told you we've got a new pop named John."

I was relieved to learn he had made a spelling error. He was referring to the recently named Pope John XXIII.

 

[moreluck]

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this email - just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want catch whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... ! I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask."because you are my friend".

 

[moreluck]

Happy Marriage.....

Two men were talking about the secret of a long and happy marriage. "My
marriage," said one "is built on trust and understanding."

"So is mine," said the other. "My wife doesn't trust me and I don't
understand her."

 

[moreluck]

Art Supply Store......

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard,
and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. A
customer came in the store and asked, "Can you please cut some canvas for
me?"

I said, "Certainly, what width?"

The customer replied, "Scissors?"

 

[moreluck]

Dreams......

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave
me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his
wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of
dreams"