Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

People who stay in the middle of the road get run over.

When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.

People who claim they don't have the time to do things right somehow find the time to do them over.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

He who will not forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.

You can have anything in life you want if you help enough other people get what they want.

Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.

 

[moreluck]

Anchors Aweigh

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"


"Throw out an anchor, sir."


"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"


"Throw out another anchor, sir."


"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"


"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"


"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

 

[moreluck]

A Wife Asks Her Husband...

A wife asks her husband, "Please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."


A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.


The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"


He replied, "They had avocados."


If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again. Men will get it the first time.


My work is done here.

 

[moreluck]

Nervous Patient.....

I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes.


The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail.


It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair.


“There there”, he said “only one eye left!”

 

[moreluck]

The Sunbather


An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.



She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.



"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."



"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."



"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

 

[moreluck]

The Tiny Cabin

A very serious, dedicated social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued she went up and knocked on the door.

“Anybody home?” she asked.


“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.



“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.


“Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in.” said the kid.


“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.


“Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.


“But”, protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation)


”Are you never together as a family?”;


“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door”. This is the outhouse!”.

 

[moreluck]

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop teeing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "Screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 

[moreluck]

Not What It Seemed...


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.


After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

[moreluck]

Shopping List


My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

 

[moreluck]

Be a Good Boy

One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I got to the front door, I noticed my sad faced dog staring at me from the living room.


"I love you, sweet boy," I said. "Now, you be good, okay?"



From the other room, I heard a voice answer, "Okay."

 

[moreluck]

Safety Check


Honey!” screamed my wife, running outside to my bike once again, “did you double check that Herbie’s seat is attached securely?!”


“Yeah let me check that just one more time” I muttered, checking the seat for what must have been the tenth time.



“OK”, I said nervously, to my two year old Herby, “are you ready for your first bike ride?”



“Let me just check your helmet again…perfect ..now your knee pads.. good… now your elbow pads.. perfect.” And with that, I lifted my foot to get on top of the bike, and nailed my two year old smack in the jaw!

 

[moreluck]

The Robot


A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.



The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."



Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"



Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.



Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching movies with topless women."



Dad says, "What? At your age I would never have done anything like that." The robot slaps the father.



Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

 

[moreluck]

Quick Stop

I was carpooling with my friend Craig, he noticed that the "Check oil" light was on. He pulled into the gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, checked the engine oil, closed the hood, then got back into the car.



"Can we make a quick stop?" He asked.



"Sure," I replied, "what did you need to do?"



"I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick?"



"What do you need a longer one for?" I enquired.



"Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

 

[moreluck]

SIEGE

A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle.

"We must get help," said the king.

"I know," replied the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."

"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."

"No, no," pleaded the army leader. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

 

[moreluck]

A Day of Golf


One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.



Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He maintains his positive attitude though and grabs his 8-iron, while proceeding down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. He trudges diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly, he spots something shiny.



As he gets closer, he realizes the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton, which has obviously been lying near an old golf ball for a number of years.



Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner, "Hey Thomas, come here. I've got big trouble down here."



Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Ben"?



Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Better throw me my 7-iron! Something tells me I won't be getting out of here with an 8-iron."

 

[moreluck]

Straight Answer


The teacher looked over her third grade class and happened to notice her two students, Eddie and Dan giggling and talking during her lesson.



"Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if you can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her face, almost knowing that the two children would not know the answer to the question.



"What is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that has just given birth?"

There was a moment of silence, then a little hand was raised.



"Dan? You know the answer?" asked the puzzled teacher.



"Umm... yeah!" He replied with a not-too-sure look on his face.



"Well, let's hear it."


"You would call her de-calfenated!"

 

[moreluck]

The Unknown Package


I was scheduled to fly from New Jersey to Ireland. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

"Has anyone given you any packages you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her sister.

He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"

 

[moreluck]

So Long As He Fits



A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers have doubts about their suitability.


So they produce photos of their 50 foot motor home, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.


The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.


"We've employed an fulltime tutor who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and IT skills."


There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.


"Our fulltime nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet," they reply.


The social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were hoping to adopt.


"It doesn't really matter," they say, "so long as he fits nicely into the cannon.".

 

[moreluck]

The Pearly Gates

Saint Peter is sitting at the Gates when two guys from Ferguson arrive wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants.


St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here, I'll be right back."


St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for

entrance.


God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Now get back out there and let them in!"


St. Peter goes back to the Pearly Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy

sigh.


He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

God asked, "The guys wearing hoodies?"

Saint Peter said, “No… The Pearly Gates!"

 

[moreluck]

Eye Exam

A man from Poland goes to the optometrist. The doc shows him a chart:

C Z W X N Q S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.

The Pole replies, "Read it? I know the guy!"