Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, "Straighten her up."

I looked at my daughter and said, "What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up."

My wife hasn't asked me t do anything since.

from reddit.com

 

[moreluck]

Tex's New Car

Three cowboys were waiting for their friend to show up at the corral with his new car. "I know that smart aleck," said the first. "He's gonna start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Naw," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both."

Just then, the door swung open. "Audi, partners!"

 

[moreluck]

The Unfaithful Wife


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"


"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar

 

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We need more clerks like this......

Express Lane

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.


Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.


Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

 

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The Glass

A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"

Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"

He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?"

He repeats. "Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."

He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"

The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.

"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."

 

[moreluck]

Old Sayings

A first grade teacher collected well known sayings. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the saying and asked them to come up with the rest. Here’s how they answered:

It’s always darkest before………daylight savings time.

You can lead a horse to water but …..how?

Don’t bite the hand that…..looks dirty.

A penny saved is…….not much.

Children should be seen and not….. spanked or grounded.

There is no fool like…….Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and…….you have to blow your nose.

 

[moreluck]

Customer is Always Right

A customer kept bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on.

Surprisingly, the waiter walked back and forth and never once got angry. After half an hour, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter, smiling. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

 

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Burglars In The Kitchen

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

 

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[moreluck]

My wife said she wanted a "fairy-tale romance", So I locked her in a tower.
(Tony Cowards)

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The End.
`Ryan Anderson~

 

[moreluck]

My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didn't salute. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman.

"Thanks for coming back for me," the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. "Airmen's Mess, sir."

 

[moreluck]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

 

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A crusty old biker, out on a long summer ride in the country , pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging
doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole? biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving
drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. ?Yes??

She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, ?May I help you??

The ole biker leans over the bar, ?I was wondering young lady,? he whispers, ?Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs??

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, ?Why yes, yes, I sure am.?

The ole? biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, ?Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.?

 

[moreluck]

Son told his dad he loves the girl next door.
"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife." "But dad, what about the other girl next next door?" "Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife." Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approaches to him "Honey, you can love the girls next door if you want to. You're not your dad's son anyway."

 

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Like Mother, Like Daughter

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, "Mom, you always did it that way."

"Yes," my wife replied, "but you don't have a cat!"

 

[moreluck]

Real 911 Calls


BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police

 

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Location, Location, Location

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.

The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE

 

[moreluck]

Joe Farmer
A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Joe.

 

[moreluck]

My Word......

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.