Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady. Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.
"On what grounds?" asked the lawyer.
"I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied.
"And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer.
"Well," replied the young lady, "I don't think he is the father of my child."

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created:

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

 

[moreluck]

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.
"Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.
"We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex.
St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.
"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."
Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.
"We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."

 

[moreluck]

Three nuns...

Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.
So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.
So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!

 

[moreluck]

A married man keeps telling his wife, "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.
The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass. She walks in and tells the tattoo artist her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.
He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt."
She then tells the man she wants 'Beautiful butt' tattooed on her ass.
The man tells her, "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt."
She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says, "Look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, and bends over.
The man yells, "WHO THE HECK IS BOB?"

 

[moreluck]

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?
The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

 

[moreluck]

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

 

[moreluck]

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"

Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

 

[moreluck]

You Probably Need a New Psychic If...

-Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

-He insists that your astrological sign is "the Armadillo"

-She has this sign in the window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes'"

-Psychics Magazine rates him just below fortune cookies, just above your mom

-She shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm

 

[moreluck]

Pick-up line comebacks...

He: Haven't we met before?
She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.

He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock?

He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: I'm a female impersonator.

He: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
She: Do Not Enter

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.

He: Hey, we're both here for the same reason.
She: Right, let's pick up some chicks.

He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

He: I know how to please a woman.
She: Then please leave me alone.

He: I'd go to the end of the world for you.
She: Sure, but would you stay there

 

[moreluck]

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything.

Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.

The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.

The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.

Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions.

When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.

The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

 

[moreluck]

The Top 10 Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School

1. To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.
   
2. To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald's manager uses daily.
   
3. No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.
   
4. After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.
   
5. So someone else can deal with the psychotic little s.
   
6. Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.
   
7. Easier to run escort service out of home when they're not around.
   
8. To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!
   
9. To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).

 

[moreluck]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

 

[moreluck]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either

 

[moreluck]

A man was having marital problems. So he went

to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

 

[moreluck]

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"

 

[moreluck]

Things To Do At Wal-Mart While You Wait For Your Family To Shop...

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'I think we have a code 3 in housewares,' and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M's on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 'Why won't you people leave me alone.'
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud.....'Hey we're out of toilet

 

[moreluck]

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: 'Dam.'

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.

Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies
.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?
A: Put a boogie in it!

Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all-right now!

 

[moreluck]

He Said She Said....

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said..You wear briefs, don't you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

 

[moreluck]

A man goes into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign that reads: "Big Red Lobster Tails - $1."
Amazed at the value of the offer, he calls a waitress over. "Excuse me," he said. "Is that sign correct?"
"Yes sir," she replied. "It's today's special offer."
"Fantastic," said the man. "But are you sure they're not small?"
"Oh no sir, I can assure you that they are very big."
"Are they out of date then?"
"No, no sir, they are fresh in this morning."
"Well in that case, here's my $1. Fill me up."

The waitress took the $1 coin, sat down beside him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."