Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

 

[moreluck]

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

 

[moreluck]

Anatomy Class.....

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.

The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure." she said.

"He's at home, taking care of the kids."

 

[moreluck]

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor administers to the other condemned man in his cell.
"Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltage reaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a thing."
Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block. The pastor immediately ask one of the guard "What is all this screaming about?"
Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the first execution "by candles".

 

[moreluck]

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

 

[moreluck]

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

 

[moreluck]

A man and woman got divorced after about three years. The woman decided to find another man. She went out and dated several men, but could not find one who satsifed her in bed. So she decided to try a woman. She went to different places and bars trying to find someone.
Then she met this woman. They talked and hit it off ok. So they went home and went to bed together. After they had finished having sex the woman said, "You know that wasn't all that good."
The other woman rolled over and said, "That's OK, sugar. You weren't any better when we were married."

 

[moreluck]

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later.
Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

 

[Covemastah]

 

[moreluck]

> Two crocodiles were
> sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

> The smaller one turned
> to the bigger one and said, "I can't
> understand how you can be so much
> bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same
> size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well, " asked the big Croc, "What have you been
> eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the
> Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm.
> How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their fancy cars and wait for one to
> unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
> shake the out of them and
> eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I see your problem. You're not
> getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
> shaking the out of a politician, there's nothing
> left but an and a
> briefcase

 

[moreluck]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down nextto the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

 

[moreluck]

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?"
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"
"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained. "First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."

 

[moreluck]

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

 

[moreluck]

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now

 

[moreluck]

You might be a redneck if.......

You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.

Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".

You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

 

[Boulevard859710]

Warning: Very Bad Pun Inside....

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.
Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall

You're bad but I love it.

 

[moreluck]

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

 

[moreluck]

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.

The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

 

[moreluck]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[moreluck]

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single in the first place."