From The Chairman: Dear Peons

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Jul 18, 2013.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Peons,

    I just got home from dinner with the Koch Brothers, Mitch McConnell, and John Boehner...and I am :censored2: at all of you little mothers who are costing me profit! I'm on my fifth Scotch right now, and I don't care what ANYBODY thinks. All of my "advisers" are home in bed, and they can't tell me what to do or say, so I'm not worried about hurting anyone's sensitive "feelings".

    First off, I'm a big fish and very are not. You work at my whim and you are damned lucky to have a job at any FedEx opco. I don't give a rat's ass about your falling incomes, your sick kids or spouses, or any of the rest of your collective whining. All I care about is PROFIT!! I want to be like the Kochs, who make me look like small potatoes. They own more politicians than I ever will and I have Koch envy. Even if I were a Koch, I'd be a little Koch and not a big Koch. Profit matters, not friends and family. When they've all left you, money and power mean even more.

    As jealous as I am of the big Kochs, they're right on the money about all of you "One Percenters" working for me. As Charles Koch said, "Any worker in the USA making at least $34,000 is in the top 1% of wage earners worldwide". There are plenty of you making over that figure, and I'm going to put a stop to it. I'm paying you way too much for the little profit you return to me. Here are some of the changes you can expect very soon. Pour me ANOTHER Crown Royal, Dano...and make it snappy you little puissant!!

    First, I'm cutting the minimum hours guarantee to 30. Don't like that? TOO BAD!! Second, I'm outsourcing the RTD function to either Cardinal or Penske unless another third party transportation solution comes along. Third, everyone is going on a recorder system every day...and this just isn't for start times. If we don't need you that day, you stay home...unpaid. Fourth, next year, the Benefits Programs are going to be cut even further, and co-pays, co-insurance, and deductibles will rise again. And there's more to come... ANOTHER drink Dano!

    Every manager out there knows I own them lock, stock, and barrel. If ANY of you step out of line, YOU ARE GONE!! You need to write more Warning Letters, more OLCCs, and create more terror and angst, which equal fear, and fear equals higher productivity...and that means PROFIT. You will also have more employees to supervise. I'm hoping for a ratio of 50:1 for Ops Managers, and to have Senior Managers run at least 3 locations. You are mine 24/7/365...know it.

    Obama? I own him too. He's been on the plantation ever since we met and he agreed to call me a "Great CEO". In return, I agreed to help support his house of cards economic recovery by creating thousands of low-paying jobs and pumping-up stock prices. He knows that creating crap jobs makes him look better than no jobs. I've got Congressman Issa trying to kill the Post Office so it can be privatized and more business shifted to me. When President Ryan and VP Perry take over in 2016, it's going to be good times for me for sure.

    Speaking of Tea Party principles, all of you are to blame for your own problems...not me. All of you either aren't trying hard enough or should have second or even third jobs in order to succeed in America, the land of opportunity and of "Exceptional" individuals like me. When President Ryan takes over, you'll be competing against Mexicans, Chinese, and Pakistanis for your jobs, and the Free Market will determine what those jobs pay. More profit for me, and more politicians under my ownership. I am the double greatest, I am the king of the world...I am your god and ruler. Bow down to me ...NOW!! I COMMAND it! Bring me another drink, Dano!!

    Screw all of you, because I've been way too nice for way too long. That black guy I ran over in Memphis 30 years ago? Hell, yes...I was DRUNK off my ass. I ran him over. I didn't even see him I was so effing plastered. Lucky that cop took the money. Did I swindle my own sisters...YES I did, and I'd do it again. Am I corrupt and guilty of buying politicians left and right so they'll do what I want...YES!! I OWN all of them, and ALL of you.

    Screw you all. I need another drink.


    Frederick W. Smith
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2013
  2. MFE, I've always enjoyed your satirical letters from management. Your style is usually brilliant, with the acronyms and the barbecues. When I read this, I'll admit, I thought your style had slipped a bit, because you seem to have more angst towards FDX than usual. The letter seemed to be just angry ranting rather than a cleverly disguised parody.... until I read this

    A political reference, a sexual reference, and a zing against Fred all wrapped into one subtle sentence. Spot on. Your writing is just as good as ever. Carry on, I look forward to more satire from Memphis. LOL
  3. thedownhillEXPRESS

    thedownhillEXPRESS Well-Known Member

    We just need a "Zucker" in the mix and Fred could start a new lobbying firm called Kock Zucker Smith.
  4. NonyaBiznes

    NonyaBiznes Yanked Out My Purple-Blood I.V. In 2000!

    I expect my new keyboard to be in the mail, pronto. Just spit my dinner all over it. I'm in tears over here. Brilliant!
  5. Doc Sorting Dude

    Doc Sorting Dude Active Member

    Hey Freddy! Someone mess with your medications?
  6. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Viagra, Xanax, and Scotch don't mix well. Fred was having a bad night. I hear he went through several boxes of Depends.