From The Chairman: Why FedEx Is Above The Law


Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,

Bravo Zulu, and thanks for everything you do to fulfill the Purple Promise and enrich all of us here at Corporate HQ in Memphis, which is such a craphole that anyone who lives here should be paid at least a million dollars a year...except for hourlies, of course. I'm writing today about a subject that is near and dear to me, and that is privilege. Simply put, I am privileged and you are not, which is exactly how I like it. You see, I was born rich, and I've always been better than you and always will be. There is one set of rules for me and other important people, and another for the rest of you cogs who work for me. FedEx is above the law, because I am above the law. Look at what I've done in my life and gotten away with...I'm untouchable, golden, and beyond reproach.

First and foremost, nobody had better mess with me on FedEx Ground. I keep hearing rumors about it being an illegal business model, how employees are poor and subsidized by the taxpayer, and how unsafe and illegal operations are there. Yep, it's all true, but as long as I can get away with it, I will...because it makes me more money. You see, I love money and power. Ever since "Little Fred" could no longer stand at attention, my main interest has shifted from money to LOTS of money...and power. I make up for my limp little member by being a huge, powerful bully who gets whatever he wants because I can buy it, Right now, I'm spending lots of it trying to keep the lid on the safety problems over at Ground by sending dollars to the politicians that oversee FMCSA. The more I can draw the attention of FMCSA and DOT away from Ground, the happier I am, because the lawsuits are piling-up. Not only do Ground drivers kill themselves frequently, but they also kill private citizens, and I can't tolerate that. You see, when a Ground driver gets killed or injured, I'm off the hook, because they don't "work" for me, even though they really do. I just put the blame on the contractor and throw them under the bus. We are totally aware of the hours violations, the unsafe vehicles, and the shoddy training over at Ground, but I don't care because it isn't my concern...unless those damn lawyers try and sue the corporation. That's why I bought RPS in the first-place, so I could run a sweatshop business with very low costs to me, and even less liability. I get all the benefits (profit), with none of the costs..yet. As much money as I pay out to Congressmen, judges, and lawyers, you'd think I'd be free of any problems at all, but some folks just keep snooping around and causing me trouble.

For decades now, I've run Express my way too. When someone gets hurt on the job, I've got my entire team of lawyers, Aetna, Sedgwick, and my self-insurance companies to do my bidding. You see, FedEx is never at fault if there is an injury or an accident, because I say so, and that's all you really need to know. If one of my couriers turns left in front of a motorcycle, I'll fly a dozen FedEx lawyers to the town where it happened, and we'll find something to blame the motorcyclist. We'll plant drugs on the body, pay-off the cops, or maybe sneak into the police impound yard and loosen a few screws or bolts to make it look like the motorcyclist hit US, which he did, of course. The lawyers will see to that.

We recently had someone get run over by a moving tug and dolly at a ramp, severely crushing their foot and almost causing a leg to be amputated. Even though this person was standing in a "no movement" zone, we still blamed them because they should have "anticipated the hazard". I sent 20 lawyers to that one, and by the time we were done, the former employee had been determined to be at-fault, had "drugs" in their system (hah, hah), and had been bled dry by our superior anti-employee systems at my insurance companies. Nobody is going to get a dime from me, even if they are crippled and bankrupted by medical costs. Remember that courier who was T-boned in a stepvan and lost the use of his foot...his fault. How dare he post a video to YouTube saying that we had "abandoned" him, and screwed him over at every opportunity. We did , of course, BUT PROVE IT LITTLE MAN!! Your one little lawyer doesn't mean crap compared to my army of them. You assumed the risk when you took the job, and you get NOTHING but a small workers comp check for having your life ruined. Makes me feel all warm inside when I can rape someone like that and get away with it. Again, please remember that I matter...but you don't.

So, go ahead. Just keep trying to fight me and make FedEx look can't!! I own everyone, from your Senator and your Congressman, to the local city council member. Remember when you tried to defy me and get the RLA modified? Well, because I own Boeing too, I called-up the Senators from Washington and told them I'd cancel a bunch of 777 orders if I didn't get my way on the RLA. Guess what? they caved-in ,and so did the rest of the Democrats. Obama? I own that boy too. When I met with him in the Oval Office, he got on the bandwagon real quick, just like Slick Willie did when I told him how much money I'd funnel over to him and the "right" people. He and Monica got a lot of free jet trips on FedEx Air from then on, and Bill was my bitch..just like Barack. Those city council types are easy...just tell them you're going to "bring jobs to the community" with a Ground sort facility. Watch the tax incentives fly!

So now you know that you probably shouldn't mess with me, because I'm really important, powerful, and rich. People respect me because I'm a Titan of Industry, a Rainmaker. Hell...I'm a God here on Earth. Everyone should bow before me because I am a privileged IMPORTANT man!!!

Just wish I didn't have a little Koch that stopped working, or that my kids would talk to me, or that my FedEx Secret Service agents didn't laugh at me behind my back. God, I hate myself. Maybe I should just put a gun to my head and blow it off? The only thing that makes me happy these days is squashing you little people like bugs. Sometimes, I even feel like I might be getting a little erection over it, but no...false alarm. It scares me that I know I'm getting old and will someday have to let FedEx go, and then face my maker. I keep trying to bargain with Satan to make Hell non-union, but I'm getting nowhere, and he says I'm going to have to live between Idi Amin and Pol Pot on the ground floor, right next to the Lake of Fire! Even Pat Robertson says he can't help with that one.

Anyway, I have to be changed and Dano says he'll powder me tonight, which is always a good time for all. Maybe MT3 will come over and have a sleepover. When he does, we stay up all night trying to figure out new ways for us to get richer and for you to get poorer, And in the morning, I rub his head and then he goes to work. God, how I love Matt...he's such a good boy. Just remember, I am important, and you are not. Mess with me, and there will be problems. Got it?


Frederick W. Smith


Well-Known Member
Saw the Forbes 400 list, and our useless leader is #224 of 400, if I recall correctly. The little pr - ck won't be happy till he's further up the list!