MT3 Announces BHP Program

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Jun 30, 2013.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Team Members,

    As a result of the tremendous level of employee participation in WHY and WTF, I am proud to announce B=HP, or BHP for short. This means Barbecue=Happy People, and we're bringing on BHP with a bang. Wait for it....The station with the largest improvement in SPH will get a special visit from ME, and a special BBQ with a budget not to exceed $250. That's right!! 2 hours (unpaid) with me, the fabulous MT3!! I'll even bring along Happy Hands1 and make it available for special employee tours. I'm especially proud of the solid gold toilet seat and purple plush elevated velvet throne I had installed the middle of the aircraft. $250k for that seat, baby!!

    This does NOT means that we have cancelled the elimination of station food budgets. The BHP event is a special one-time-exception for EXCEPTIONAL EMPLOYEES!!! I will arrive at your station in The Mattmobile, which will have been transported to your local ramp the morning of the event by one of our widebody aircraft. I will leave Happy Hands1, and enter the Mattmobile, which will receive a special police escort to your station. The police will be staying throughout the event to assist my special FedEx security detail. Happy Hands 1 may be toured on YOUR OWN TIME at the local ramp under the watchful eye of my special Security Squad. (SS)

    Upon arrival, I will circle your location parking lot several times in The Mattmobile, so you can gaze upon me. Anyone within 250' of The Mattmobile will undergo a special search for weapons, including eggs, bottles, rotten fruit, and rocks. Then, The Mattmobile will be parked on a special elevated platform where I will have an unscripted Q&A session with employees called "Rappin' With Matt". At no time will I actually exit The Mattmobile, but you may still view me through the bulletproof glass exterior. While it IS unscripted, the following questions may not be asked and I have the option to ignore any question and move onto the next. While I speak to you, employees will enjoy one Costco hot dog, 1 canned Safeway soda, and 1 bag of chips or Grandma's cookie.

    You May NOT ask about:
    Wage Progression
    My hands
    Why Happy Hands1 is based in ORD
    My salary or that of other FedEx Executives
    My benefits
    The RLA
    Fred Smith
    The price of fine cheese, champagne, and foie gras.
    Where my house(s) are located
    Retirement Plans

    You MAY ask:
    Why I am the triple greatest
    Why I am so smart
    Why FedEx is so great
    Why Ground is Good!
    Why opportunities at FedEx have never been better
    Why I'm so wonderful
    Why I am so important
    Why most employees are LAZY
    Payday Pace
    Working harder
    Being faster
    Never questioning authority figures at FedEx

    The BHP is going to be one exciting shindig, I can assure you!! This will give all of you the extra motivation YOU need to make me even wealthier and more important. God, I am one very special man, AND you might have the chance to meet me---in person!

    Bravo Zulu, Ground is Good!, and Fred Smith loves each and every one of you.


    Matthew Thornton III Esq., MD, PS, PhD, JD, OB-GYN, FACS
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2013
  2. ManInBrown

    ManInBrown Well-Known Member

  3. caravan42

    caravan42 Member

    You shoulda heard him at my station trying to brain wash people by saying," everyone repeat after me, fedex ground is good".
  4. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Biggest A**HOLE ever.
  5. hypo hanna

    hypo hanna Well-Known Member

    ​How did you guys keep from laughing out loud?
  6. Ground is good is one aspect. The only time I see any type of manager is during the quarterly inspections. As long as you don't run anyone over, steal, miss (too many) pickup windows, or have 1/32" tread, your job is safe.