MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,
Bravo Zulu, and congratulations on a flawless Peak season. We had 100% customer AND employee satisfaction, with zero late packages. That's right...every single package...on time!! All of the credit for this incredible effort goes to our management team, who perfected a Peak operating plan that was incredibly well thought-out and executed. As a result, all of the top management team will be getting $1M bonuses...except for Matthew Thornton. MT3 was so above and beyond great, that he gets $2M and that new gold-plated Gulfstream he's been waiting for. This will shave a full 30 minutes off his trips to and from Chicago.
And me? Since I'm even better, I'm voting myself a $3M raise and an additional 100,000 shares of stock. It's the least I deserve. I put-in at least 2 to 3 hours every night attending holiday parties with influential politicians and lobbyists. Whew!! I'm exhausted. Dave Bronczek also out-did himself, sometimes hitting 5 or 6 parties per week. He kissed so much ass that I had to give him a vacation so his lips could heal...swollen shut. He had to take his caviar through a tube for a week. God, what sacrifice. I bought him a 55-gallon drum of Vaseline for Christmas.
I'm very angry at the media for tainting FedEx with the mess UPS found itself in during Peak. In fact, I'm considering a lawsuit against all major media outlets for lying and saying we had hundreds of thousands of late or undelivered packages, when there wasn't a single one.
Anyway, as a reward for your worthless efforts this Peak, I'm cutting benefits completely away, and putting-off your "raise" (ha-ha) until March, 2015. I figure all of you can be replaced at-will, so no further need for pretense, right? I'll just tell you to your faces...you suck, I own you, and I could care less if any of you live or die. It's all about me, baby, and you'd best learn that...or else.
Sincerely,
Your Fuhrer
Bravo Zulu, and congratulations on a flawless Peak season. We had 100% customer AND employee satisfaction, with zero late packages. That's right...every single package...on time!! All of the credit for this incredible effort goes to our management team, who perfected a Peak operating plan that was incredibly well thought-out and executed. As a result, all of the top management team will be getting $1M bonuses...except for Matthew Thornton. MT3 was so above and beyond great, that he gets $2M and that new gold-plated Gulfstream he's been waiting for. This will shave a full 30 minutes off his trips to and from Chicago.
And me? Since I'm even better, I'm voting myself a $3M raise and an additional 100,000 shares of stock. It's the least I deserve. I put-in at least 2 to 3 hours every night attending holiday parties with influential politicians and lobbyists. Whew!! I'm exhausted. Dave Bronczek also out-did himself, sometimes hitting 5 or 6 parties per week. He kissed so much ass that I had to give him a vacation so his lips could heal...swollen shut. He had to take his caviar through a tube for a week. God, what sacrifice. I bought him a 55-gallon drum of Vaseline for Christmas.
I'm very angry at the media for tainting FedEx with the mess UPS found itself in during Peak. In fact, I'm considering a lawsuit against all major media outlets for lying and saying we had hundreds of thousands of late or undelivered packages, when there wasn't a single one.
Anyway, as a reward for your worthless efforts this Peak, I'm cutting benefits completely away, and putting-off your "raise" (ha-ha) until March, 2015. I figure all of you can be replaced at-will, so no further need for pretense, right? I'll just tell you to your faces...you suck, I own you, and I could care less if any of you live or die. It's all about me, baby, and you'd best learn that...or else.
Sincerely,
Your Fuhrer