Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new
color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses.

Then she waited a few days
before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV,"
she told the salesman.

"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A man won an $8000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It's A Small World ride.

He said he'll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World After All."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
  • I have a natural beauty. But time is doing unnatural things to it.
  • If all else fails, lower your standards.
  • A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are a little half cracked.
  • While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement.
  • If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
  • You really are as pretty as a picture. I’d like hang you.
  • The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.
  • Mimes walk the walk but never talk the talk.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers:

Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.


Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!

Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.


Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It.

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
As I have grown older:

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my friend-ing bike.


Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bastard!


The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back".


VIDEO SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
I have been worried that I am slipping due to the names, places and other data that seem to be blocked or inaccessable in my mind. Delivery of such info, once located, sometimes takes longer because of the vast amounts of data stored in my memory banks. I trust the explanation below will enlighten you somewhat.


Good explanation. I feel better now,


I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!!!!!! Finally a study that makes sense.


Brains of the elderly slow because
they know so much......
The brains of older people only appear to be less speedy, because they have
so much information to access, much like a full-up hard drive, scientists believe.


Elderly people have so much information in their brain that it takes longer for them to access it, scientific studies show.
Older people do not decline mentally with age. It just takes them longer to recall facts, because they have more information in their brains, research suggests.
Much like a computer takes longer as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been reported.
Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.
The human brain appears to work slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because so much information has been stored over time. Older people simply know more, so selecting a correct choice from the trove of stored data may take a bit longer.

So there!!!!!!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
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A
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Vocabulary Lesson


Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Good Guess ......



A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Cold Cream....


A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.


A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Football Fans vs. Nuns



Three guys at a football game are sitting behind three nuns. They can't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there."

One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."


Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there."

Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Signs you are partying too much .....


1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.

2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In DA house!"

3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.

4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.

5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."

6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."

7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright smilet."

8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.

9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy.

10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:

"Pardon?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Symbolism

A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Actual Marketing Flops :



Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."


In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.


Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.


In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
 
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