Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Horses and Chickens


A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

 

[moreluck]

Preaching


Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

 

[moreluck]

The Red Dot................Enlightening!!!The Dotl FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP..




For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.

 

[moreluck]

Trip to the Zoo


Billy wanted to go to the zoo, so he pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Billy replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Billy excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

 

[moreluck]

Signs your Amish teen is in trouble.....




10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards

 

[moreluck]

Musical Director


A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

[moreluck]

Robbing and Pillaging


A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

 

[moreluck]

It is I


Three people were trying to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied.

St. Peter let him in. St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Charlie Jones."

And St. Peter let him in. He finally asked the third one, "Who's there?"

"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.

"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."

 

[moreluck]

For The House


O'Malley was not home at his usual hour, and Mrs. O'Malley was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.


'Do you realize what time it is," she said.

"Don't get excited," O'Malley said. "I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

"A round of drinks!"

 

[moreluck]

The Counselor


Arthur began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students. One day during recess, he noticed a boy standing by himself on one side of playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Arthur approached and asked the boy if he was all right.

The boy said that he was.

A little while later, however, Arthur noticed that the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Arthur offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at him suspiciously.

Feeling that he was making progress, Arthur then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

 

[moreluck]

Seniors


Alex, a widower, went to a dance at the Senior's Center. There he met Ruth, a woman also in her golden years. Alex and Ruth danced every dance together.

Afterward, they went out for coffee. As they walked home, Ruth said, "You remind me of my fourth husband."

"Really?" Alex replied, "How many times have you been married?"


"Three."

 

[moreluck]

Metronome


I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt.

The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.

"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.

"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...'?"

 

[moreluck]

An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong
with me. My dick is orange."

The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look.
He
has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted
anything orange.

The old man said "No."

The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently
been exposed to any chemicals at work.

The old man said "No, I'm retired."

The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any
chemicals in his garage.

The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit
around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...

 

[moreluck]

Proof Reading is a Dying Art (Along with Thinking, Apparently)


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter...
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.




.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says...........Really? You think?-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers...Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.........What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death ....No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant..... See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace....I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile......Ya think?!-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[moreluck]

Rest Assured...


An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi.

"Rabbi", he says when he sees him, "do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"

"Yes, I do," says the rabbi.

"Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent.

"Yes, he is," says the rabbi.

"Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue that he claims on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent.

"I can assure you he will!" says the rabbi.

 

[moreluck]

Last Chance


A man driving in southern Indiana saw a sign that read, "LAST CHANCE FOR $3.99 GAS."

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

"Three fifty."

 

[moreluck]

No Chances


The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

 

[moreluck]

Stress Relief


Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then plop!...back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now . . . feeling better?

 

[moreluck]

95th Birthday


"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

 

[moreluck]

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat ?"