Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

 

[moreluck]

Globalization...

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by colonial Englishman,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that is filled with Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

 

[moreluck]

New Pilot....

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard a few times times before smoothing out. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which of his three landings you liked best."

 

[moreluck]

Never t

ForwardSourceID:NT00004E0A
ForwardSourceID:NT00033166 ​

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.432 / Virus Database: 268.15.29/607 - Release Date: 12/28/2006 12:31 PM

 

[moreluck]

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in ten different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough- faced, thoughtful ploughman swam through the lough at Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

 

[moreluck]

Or What?
[FONT=Verdana,]A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn`t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor`s office. The doctor asks her what`s wrong, why doesn`t she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that`s easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I`ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don`t have any money. The cab driver asks me, `Are you going to pay today, or what?` So, I take an `or what`."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I`m late, so the boss asks me, `Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?` So, I take an `or what`.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, `So, are you going to pay this time, or what?` Again, I take an `or what`.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I`m all tired out and don`t want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?" [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Voted best Irish joke of 2006 !

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[moreluck]

Children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place......smack his ass again!"

 

[moreluck]

Baseball By Religion.....

Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
The Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out, at home, often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Baptists want to play hardball.
Catholics claim the Pope has never committed an error.

 

[moreluck]

Perfect Husband ...
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at
him in
astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this
is?"

 

[moreluck]

Our first child, a son, was born during a week when I was busy preparing report cards. I attended his birth and went back later to visit. As I looked through the nursery glass, I was proud to find an A+ beside his name on the bassinet. I told my wife she must have done very well to get an A+. After being momentarily puzzled, she smiled and explained: "That's my blood type, dear. 'A positive'!"

 

[moreluck]

Back in the 60's, Lederle (pronounced: led-rr-lee) Laboratories, a leading drug company, would have the same prefix for many of their trademarked drugs. They were all prefixed with Leder: Ledercillian, Ledermycin, Lederject, Ledercort, Lederfolin, Ledertrexate and so on.

They even came up with a birth control drug....called it

Lederalone.

 

[moreluck]

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these Four Religious Truths:

Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

 

[moreluck]

YOU MIGHT BE A TEXAS PEACE OFFICER IF...

​

- If your hat, belt and boots cost more than your sidearm.
- If directions to a location involve livestock, property descriptions, or the words "When you get off the pavement."
- If the winner of the last three bar room brawls was last years Homecoming Queen.
- Dressing up for court involves pressed Wranglers and a Brushpopper shirt.
- If anyone on the Department is named 'Bubba'.
- If you don't know Bubba's real name.
- If Bubba is his real name.
- If you've ever gotten a confession from a critter by threatening him with either his Mama or God.
- If your interview for the job involved the question: "Can you take a whuppin'?"
- If you have more weapons and ammunition in your cruiser than most small nations have in their armies.
- If you've ever had an 'Officer Involved Shooting' where the victim was a feral hog or other four-pawed critter with an appetite.
- If the caliber of your sidearm is regarded as an artillery round in Europe.
- You've ever had to mediate a dispute concerning the paternity of a litter of puppies.
- If you think all back-up is 30 miles away and asleep in bed.
- If you've ever gone to an emergency wearing only your hat, pajamas, gun and boots.
- If spurs are a department-issued item.

 

[moreluck]

If an electric train is going east at 60 mph, and the wind is going east at 60 mph, which way would the smoke blow?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Electric trains don't have smoke!

 

[moreluck]

George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar awhile back.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you .. no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

 

[moreluck]

GOOD NEWS / BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR
​

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

 

[moreluck]

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2-3 minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

 

[moreluck]

Hunting With The Dogs.....


A young city man went to visit his uncle on his farm. After being there for a few days, the uncle noticed that his nephew was becoming very bored and the uncle was running out of things to keep him amused.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs and go do some shooting?" the uncle suggested. This seemed to cheer the nephew up, so off he went. A few hours later, he returned. "Well, how did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was really great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Have you got any more dogs?"

 

[moreluck]

Blonde Bashing

Q- What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A- Pregnant!

Q- What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A- Locking the car door.

Q- What's the definition of eternity?
A- Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

Q- What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A- Nothing. They've never met.