MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear FedEx Team Members,
As you know, we continue to face a financial crisis of incredible proportions. Express volumes are down, and customers are moving toward less speed-sensitive transportation modes. Therefore, I just doubled by salary, and other senior executives in all of the opcos are doing the same, in expectation of the October Bonanza. No, this isn't the old 60's TV show, but the time when all of us up here on top of the heap expect our windfall.
In order to mitigate the effects on all of you in October, I've decided to just bend you over NOW. Unless you're a complete maroon, you've noticed that we have been targeting and eliminating lots of ops managers, especially those with high seniority, and especially those that treat employees like human beings instead of cattle. To further cull the herd (learned that from Dubya at Yale), we're imposing utterly ridiculous standards on all of you with the expectation that many of you will fail. This is by design, and when we say "sorry, but you're no longer needed", we absolutely mean it, because you're a drag on profits, and my paycheck.
We are steadily shifting business over to Ground, and we're glad that many of you idiots continue to submit sales leads in a futile attempt to save your jobs. See, whenever you turn in a fat, juicy, lead, we tell Sales to convince the customer to use Ground, so I make more money. We give you a 25-cent pin or mug made in China, and me and the salesperson make out like bandits. Boy, are you all dumb. One of these days, we're going to start taking UPS down too, but that's still a ways off in the future. The USPS is in our sights as well, and Representative Issa, to whom I give a whole lot of money, is doing one hell of a job at making them look bad. Once the Post Office gets privatized, I can charge $1.00 or more per letter and double the current parcel rates...because I can.
Anyway, our program to "save" Express is really fooling a lot of you, because you continue to work hard and deliver The Purple Promise in spite of what I'm doing to you now, and what I'm going to do to you in the near future. That is almost the definition of stupidity, but many of you just keep right on doing it. We've added extra ingredients to both the Kool-Aid and the drinking water in the last few months to keep you pliable and extra dedicated.
I just authorized the purchase of a few more electric vehicles in an effort to pump-up our Green Effort (GE). These will sit in specially-designed warehouses until needed for promotional events. We're going to change the asset numbers on them as they are transported around the country where they will sit at malls and in front of stations for a few months until they head to their next promotional destination. Ling-Ling and Poo-Poo(the pandas) will participate in a special promotional tour beginning in October that will focus on our GE progress (or lack thereof). So far, we've successfully fooled the public into thinking we are actually doing something to be more green. Boy, they're just as dumb as you are.
Well, that's it for now. Senator Corker and I have to jet-off to a meeting with Mitt Romney, our next President. Mitt has assured me that it will be carte blanche' for us rich folks if he gets elected, and I like the sound of that a lot. Now, if that Dano would just bring the limo around so we can get going down to the Executive Jetport.... I'll board one of my beautiful private jets, and fly to my destination in utter luxury. Life is good...for me.
Respectfully,
Frederick Weasel Smith
As you know, we continue to face a financial crisis of incredible proportions. Express volumes are down, and customers are moving toward less speed-sensitive transportation modes. Therefore, I just doubled by salary, and other senior executives in all of the opcos are doing the same, in expectation of the October Bonanza. No, this isn't the old 60's TV show, but the time when all of us up here on top of the heap expect our windfall.
In order to mitigate the effects on all of you in October, I've decided to just bend you over NOW. Unless you're a complete maroon, you've noticed that we have been targeting and eliminating lots of ops managers, especially those with high seniority, and especially those that treat employees like human beings instead of cattle. To further cull the herd (learned that from Dubya at Yale), we're imposing utterly ridiculous standards on all of you with the expectation that many of you will fail. This is by design, and when we say "sorry, but you're no longer needed", we absolutely mean it, because you're a drag on profits, and my paycheck.
We are steadily shifting business over to Ground, and we're glad that many of you idiots continue to submit sales leads in a futile attempt to save your jobs. See, whenever you turn in a fat, juicy, lead, we tell Sales to convince the customer to use Ground, so I make more money. We give you a 25-cent pin or mug made in China, and me and the salesperson make out like bandits. Boy, are you all dumb. One of these days, we're going to start taking UPS down too, but that's still a ways off in the future. The USPS is in our sights as well, and Representative Issa, to whom I give a whole lot of money, is doing one hell of a job at making them look bad. Once the Post Office gets privatized, I can charge $1.00 or more per letter and double the current parcel rates...because I can.
Anyway, our program to "save" Express is really fooling a lot of you, because you continue to work hard and deliver The Purple Promise in spite of what I'm doing to you now, and what I'm going to do to you in the near future. That is almost the definition of stupidity, but many of you just keep right on doing it. We've added extra ingredients to both the Kool-Aid and the drinking water in the last few months to keep you pliable and extra dedicated.
I just authorized the purchase of a few more electric vehicles in an effort to pump-up our Green Effort (GE). These will sit in specially-designed warehouses until needed for promotional events. We're going to change the asset numbers on them as they are transported around the country where they will sit at malls and in front of stations for a few months until they head to their next promotional destination. Ling-Ling and Poo-Poo(the pandas) will participate in a special promotional tour beginning in October that will focus on our GE progress (or lack thereof). So far, we've successfully fooled the public into thinking we are actually doing something to be more green. Boy, they're just as dumb as you are.
Well, that's it for now. Senator Corker and I have to jet-off to a meeting with Mitt Romney, our next President. Mitt has assured me that it will be carte blanche' for us rich folks if he gets elected, and I like the sound of that a lot. Now, if that Dano would just bring the limo around so we can get going down to the Executive Jetport.... I'll board one of my beautiful private jets, and fly to my destination in utter luxury. Life is good...for me.
Respectfully,
Frederick Weasel Smith
