lessons in life

[1 stop at a time]

I know this is non-UPS, but many of you may have some experience here.
As an employee for UPS, I feel I can "expose" myself here.
Trust me, I am seeking advice far and wide, and searching my own soul.
Please, be kind and offer your thoughts, thoughtfully and respectfully.

My son, who turned 18 some months ago, bitched out his mother a few days ago while I was at work because of a substantive legal issue he needed to resolve. He summarily said no and proceeded to eff this and eff that, all the while saying mom and dad were worthless. His mother said you cannot talk to me like that, under any circumstance and told him to get out. He packed a bag and left and has been gone about a week. Now, I was not there and cannot ascertain exactly what was said, I just hear a human recollection.

I have not seen or spoke to the boy/man after this happened. I do know, this is out of character from a kid who held down a 20 hour a week job throughout his senior year and graduated with a 3.5 GPA and has been accepted to state college.
Details aside, no man/woman is worth their salt speaking this way to the woman who gave them life, not to mention speaking to my wife this way.

If he comes to his senses, and comes home with his hat in his hand, I would consider a second chance with ZERO tolerance. My respect for my son has been damaged considerably and perhaps will never be completely the same.

ApPARENTly, kids have the upper hand here as they are technically tenants and the law forbids you to "kick" them out and change the locks. "YOU" would be in violation of the law, just keep that information close to the vest. Stuff like that would just empower them.

You must give them a date and evict them, 30 days in writing.

I guess what I am asking is ...

What would you do?

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

Exactly what you did. He will come home when he is ready--when he does he had better have an apology for both of you.

Do you suspect drug use?

 

[island1fox]

1 stop at a time,
While my wife of over thirty years and I do not and could not have children , I am glad to see that you are giving her 100% support and are standing together.
I have seen many,many close friends have their relationships torn apart by their children, it can be really heart renching.
I certainly do not have any correct answer for you but would advise you to "take it one step at a time"
I hope and pray that it will all work out for you and your family. To the son I have never had , I would try to understand what happened,never condone his actions but no matter what --He would know that whatever choices he continues to make while we may strongly disagree, he will always be my son who I will love to the day I die. Good luck !!

 

[moreluck]

If your kid is 18, he's legal.

If he wasn't 18, you can still lock them out as long as you give a name & number of where they can go and stay.(check with Tough Love)

Kids can be real a-holes. I think there is usually hope. I wanted to freeze dry my teenagers and then add water at age 26.... because they become so nice and appreciative after that age.

I got 2 of my 3 teenagers back. All were lost for awile with drugs and one with the addition of criminal behavior. I got the 2 girls back and both were involved with druggies . Now my youngest is 39 with 10 yrs. in AA. The other girl, my oldest is 43 and she quit drugs cold turkey and left the bum. My son chose to excel in crime and we didn't go down that road. He spent time in prison and we haven't had contact with him for about 15 years. His younger sister talks to him and lets me know about him.

We went through the court system in Utah at the time....juvenile. We got to know the judge very well being in front of him with our son all the time. Luckily, in the juvie system, they keep the same judge. The judge began to see that son was a problem and not the parents.

It was a long haul and dad gave up on him before I did and that can cause problems in your marriage. Happy to say our 44th anniversary is coming in Sept. I have 2 daughters doing great and a son who ,I hear, is OK.

Be a united front in front of your kids or they will work one against the other. I thank goodness that we had great UPS med. coverage that paid for a drug place that was over $65,000.00. It was a 6 mos + stay.

It's your house and as long as they live there they must follow your rules. At 18, they can go somewhere else to live, but don't let them come wash their clothes, that's what laundromats are for. They'll learn pretty quick that it takes a job to survive out there.

Good luck, it's not not easy because none of them come with instructions.

Oh yeah, you know all those Xmas cards you get from people out of town with those letters in them?? If they say Billy & Bobby are great and got a scholaship to Yale and susie won the spelling bee......they're lying!! Once I started talking about teenagers with problems, the people came out of the woodwork with their own stories.

God bless!

 

[tracker2762]

Do yourself a favor and get a drug test ASAP. I would start with this just to eliminate the possibility of drugs. If is not drugs then you can take a deep breath and thank god. We wish that we had done this years ago as it may have gotten to the root of the problem sooner. This may not even be the problem but why take the chance. One more thing, kids think their parents are stupid. Ask questions

 

[menotyou]

Drug test, if he wants back in. then, weekly.

 

[Re-Raise]

I think you can work this out. It sounds like an argument that just went too far.

When the adrenaline kicks in and emotions get out of hand people say things they don't mean, especially teenagers who don't have enough experience expressing their opinions in a constructive manner.

Everyone needs to take a deep breath and remember how important your relationship is to all three of you. As the parents you may have to take the high road and extend the first olive branch.

You can still make it clear that his behavior is way out of line, which he probably already knows but can't admit when he is trying to win the argument. Good luck, it sounds like he is a good kid who just acted childish.... they tend to do that.

 

[superballs63]

A nice Bitch slap would do the trick. I also doubt that if you threw him out that he would contact an attorney for "wrongful eviction"

 

[Integrity]

I know this is non-UPS, but many of you may have some experience here.
As an employee for UPS, I feel I can "expose" myself here.
Trust me, I am seeking advice far and wide, and searching my own soul.
Please, be kind and offer your thoughts, thoughtfully and respectfully.

My son, who turned 18 some months ago, bitched out his mother a few days ago while I was at work because of a substantive legal issue he needed to resolve. He summarily said no and proceeded to eff this and eff that, all the while saying mom and dad were worthless. His mother said you cannot talk to me like that, under any circumstance and told him to get out. He packed a bag and left and has been gone about a week. Now, I was not there and cannot ascertain exactly what was said, I just hear a human recollection.

I have not seen or spoke to the boy/man after this happened. I do know, this is out of character from a kid who held down a 20 hour a week job throughout his senior year and graduated with a 3.5 GPA and has been accepted to state college.
Details aside, no man/woman is worth their salt speaking this way to the woman who gave them life, not to mention speaking to my wife this way.

If he comes to his senses, and comes home with his hat in his hand, I would consider a second chance with ZERO tolerance. My respect for my son has been damaged considerably and perhaps will never be completely the same.

ApPARENTly, kids have the upper hand here as they are technically tenants and the law forbids you to "kick" them out and change the locks. "YOU" would be in violation of the law, just keep that information close to the vest. Stuff like that would just empower them.

You must give them a date and evict them, 30 days in writing.

I guess what I am asking is ...

What would you do?

1 stop at a time,

Thank you for sharing your heart and your concern for your son.

What exactly was he angry about?

Did he want you to handle his substantive legal issue?

Don't judge him too harshly, love him generously.

Love covers a multitude of sins.

Sincerely,
I

 

[bumped]

I also agree with the above statements about possible drug use. Check his room and see if there's a hint of whats going on in there. Check the computers, do you pay the cellphone bill? Try and get a copy of the texts?

 

[DorkHead]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T . Your house, your rules. That`s what I was told many times when I was growing up.

 

[1 stop at a time]

Exactly what you did. He will come home when he is ready--when he does he had better have an apology for both of you.

Do you suspect drug use?

No, I don't suspect any significant drug usage, he had drug testing for his job ... maybe some marijuana experimenting.
He's the kind of kid who doesn't run to his room upon arriving home. A little conversation goes a long way in determining a state of mind. Cocaine, meth, hallucinogens, even cigarettes were/are not an issue. Maybe he was a master at concealment, but we checked things a lot and thoroughly over the years. A doper usually does not get A's and B's throughout school.

No, it is something else.

 

[1 stop at a time]

1 stop at a time,
While my wife of over thirty years and I do not and could not have children , I am glad to see that you are giving her 100% support and are standing together.
I have seen many,many close friends have their relationships torn apart by their children, it can be really heart renching.
I certainly do not have any correct answer for you but would advise you to "take it one step at a time"
I hope and pray that it will all work out for you and your family. To the son I have never had , I would try to understand what happened,never condone his actions but no matter what --He would know that whatever choices he continues to make while we may strongly disagree, he will always be my son who I will love to the day I die. Good luck !!

He will always be my son and loved, no matter what.

Except, he might not be living here while I love him so unconditionally.

Tough choice, I know.

But when one crosses a line, sometimes there are unintended consequences.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[1 stop at a time]

If your kid is 18, he's legal.

If he wasn't 18, you can still lock them out as long as you give a name & number of where they can go and stay.(check with Tough Love)

Kids can be real a-holes. I think there is usually hope. I wanted to freeze dry my teenagers and then add water at age 26.... because they become so nice and appreciative after that age.

I got 2 of my 3 teenagers back. All were lost for awile with drugs and one with the addition of criminal behavior. I got the 2 girls back and both were involved with druggies . Now my youngest is 39 with 10 yrs. in AA. The other girl, my oldest is 43 and she quit drugs cold turkey and left the bum. My son chose to excel in crime and we didn't go down that road. He spent time in prison and we haven't had contact with him for about 15 years. His younger sister talks to him and lets me know about him.

We went through the court system in Utah at the time....juvenile. We got to know the judge very well being in front of him with our son all the time. Luckily, in the juvie system, they keep the same judge. The judge began to see that son was a problem and not the parents.

It was a long haul and dad gave up on him before I did and that can cause problems in your marriage. Happy to say our 44th anniversary is coming in Sept. I have 2 daughters doing great and a son who ,I hear, is OK.

Be a united front in front of your kids or they will work one against the other. I thank goodness that we had great UPS med. coverage that paid for a drug place that was over $65,000.00. It was a 6 mos + stay.

It's your house and as long as they live there they must follow your rules. At 18, they can go somewhere else to live, but don't let them come wash their clothes, that's what laundromats are for. They'll learn pretty quick that it takes a job to survive out there.

Good luck, it's not not easy because none of them come with instructions.

Oh yeah, you know all those Xmas cards you get from people out of town with those letters in them?? If they say Billy & Bobby are great and got a scholaship to Yale and susie won the spelling bee......they're lying!! Once I started talking about teenagers with problems, the people came out of the woodwork with their own stories.

God bless!

Unfortunately, you are quite incorrect. You cannot lock them out or even tell them to leave, from a legal standpoint in my state.
Fortunately, most of them don't have the mental capacity to comprehend this and they just assume you told them to leave and they have no choice and just go.

Maybe this is just a way of them growing up, but as a parent, your children must never lose sight of the pecking order.

 

[1 stop at a time]

I think you can work this out. It sounds like an argument that just went too far.

When the adrenaline kicks in and emotions get out of hand people say things they don't mean, especially teenagers who don't have enough experience expressing their opinions in a constructive manner.

Everyone needs to take a deep breath and remember how important your relationship is to all three of you. As the parents you may have to take the high road and extend the first olive branch.

You can still make it clear that his behavior is way out of line, which he probably already knows but can't admit when he is trying to win the argument. Good luck, it sounds like he is a good kid who just acted childish.... they tend to do that.

Maybe you are right.
In fact, I'm sure you are.

This is why I will provide a second opportunity with zero slack.

We all sometimes say things we wished we had not. I will always take the high road with the "boy" and bite my tongue knowing years from now he will regret what was said and I will not.

We were all teenagers once and I try not to forget that.

That said, I never, ever disrespected my parents so.

 

[1 stop at a time]

A nice Bitch slap would do the trick. I also doubt that if you threw him out that he would contact an attorney for "wrongful eviction"

As I'm sure you are kidding

I won't get violent with my kids. There are things you can do to create hardship, but "bitch slapping" will do more harm than good, especially when everything blows over. Decades later, that behavior won't be forgotten.

And eviction proceedings probably would not happen, but the point remains ....they can

 

[idrivethetruck]

...Try and get a copy of the texts?

Good luck with that! A court ordered subpoena is the only way that happens.

As Moreluck said, "it's your house". Don't let him disrespect it. Set your house rules and stick by them.

 

[TUT]

I don't go by the PC book as I find it closely aligned to the corporate world. Aka the tough love responses here, it sounds all nice, but reality imo is much different. I would love him. A lot of kids that age have angry syndrome for a lot of reasons. I wouldn't be all that happy with how the world is going either at age 20 myself and I've yelled at my parents and it really didn't phase them at all. I grew up and out of that, pushing me out would have done nothing really, making a point can't be petty on either end.

I know we all want the perfect situation, but even those are far from it. If it were drugs that would be even more reason to get'm back, not push him away. My niece's boyfriend ended up dead, they were doing drugs, they convicted her of murder because she was there with them. Talk about a bad deal there. Believe me a little heat at home would have been a world better. We are young and dumb and we almost all grow up to thank and love our parents in the long run.

TV and Internets are so predictable on how they handle things as if we have perfect control of people and situations.

 

[bigbrownhen]

Having raised two sons, my first reaction to your sitution was drugs. Since you don't think this is it, the other thing could be a mental issue. Perhaps bi-polar disorder, it can manifest in the late teens or early 20s. Mood swings and outbursts are common. There are good treatment options for this and other mental issues he might have. I hope and pray it is just a young man behaving like a fool, and he will come around.

Having kids is such and joy and challenge at the same time. Some days they are a wonder, and make you so proud, others you wonder "what have I done!?"

Hope you can have a sit down and talk this through.

 

[1 stop at a time]

1 stop at a time,

Thank you for sharing your heart and your concern for your son.

What exactly was he angry about?

Did he want you to handle his substantive legal issue?

Don't judge him too harshly, love him generously.

Love covers a multitude of sins.

Sincerely,
I

Ok, I'll share a little more.

He bought a car with his saved money in 2009, but as a minor, I had to title it and insure it in my name. A minor has no contractual rights.

Fast forward to registration renewal after he turned 18, now pay close attention.

Registration tile was changed into his name in April, I get insurance premium renewal in June showing changes, I call agent to discuss policy and during the conversation the agent realizes my sons car is titled in his name. To which I learn I cannot insure that car because I have no "insured interest" in the vehicle.

Apparently, you can't insure a vehicle unless your name is on the title in this state. Who knew?

So, mom informs son of the need to accompany her to the motor division and he did not want to spend the time and mom says you have to and son blows circuit. He had to go, still has to go. He's technically driving around with no insurance.

This is just one of life's many inconveniences, doing things you have to but don't want to.