WARNING: The Following is Not Safe for Children Who May be Reading Over Your Shoulder
I was asked one day, when I reported for my afternoon P/U route, if I could start a few minutes early. “I need you to P/U a misdel and re-deliver to the correct address” my center manager said. “Sure, no problem”, I replied. center manager says “Make sure you have some tape, the lady says she opened the package before she realized it wasn’t hers”. “OK, I’ll take care of it” I respond.
The address is one of those “low income housing developments” in the hood. A dozen large buildings, all close together. I park the P-5 in the lot, about 200’ from the address I’m looking for. There is a long straight sidewalk between 2 buildings, leading to the apartment.
At this point I’m feeling good about my “good deed” for the day (getting this package to the correct person). I notice that the correct apartment is right across the sidewalk from the wrong one. “Cool” I’m thinking, this will be quick and easy…. WRONG.
As I raise my hand to knock on the door, the door opens, and there she is. A good ¼ ton of orange and purple Muumuu wearing woman. Before I can say hello, she says, “They told you the package was open, right”? “Yes Ma’am”, I reply. She then thrusts a completely shredded, yellow envelope into my hands, along with 2 DVDs. I remember the title of the top one was “Lays of Thunder”, and both had naked women on the covers. So now I’m thinking, “Yikes, how embarrassing for both of us”. Little did I know, what she was about to hand me… That’s right… It was a foot and a half, if it was an inch. Complete “twig and berries” with a suction cup on the non-business end. The door slams.
There I am. Alone. Standing in the middle of this complex, on a bright, sunny, spring day, porn videos in one hand, elephant trunk in the other. I can’t take it to the correct apartment without repackaging it. Where’s my tape gun? In the truck. Where’s my truck? 200’ away, a tiny little brown speck in the distance. It’s going to be a loooong walk.
So, off I go, just me and my new friend, trying to walk as quickly as I can, trying not to break into an all out sprint. My thinking was, if someone sees me running with this thing, in this neighborhood, they’ll think I stole it. I’m trying my best to be inconspicuous, but this thing is not cooperating with me. It seems to have a life of its own. It’s wobbling and flopping around like some kind of alien life form. What seems like 20 minutes later, I’m back at the truck, but, I don’t want anyone to see me take this thing into the back of my truck to repackage it. So I set the DVDs down on the step and stuck the appendage to the side of the door by its suction cup. Left it hanging there, like some kind of bizarre “Curb Feeler”, while I got an Express Pak from the back of my truck to repackage the “goods”.
The redelivery was uneventful, but, I did notice the original receiver watching me through her blinds.
