This just in...FedEx will fly the pandas to New York next week to present their plan on world peace to the U.N.. Noted world leaders Hillary Clinton, Desmond Tutu, Bono, and George Clooney will introduce the pandas before each speech. The CEO of FedEx, Fred S, was pleased to announce that the pandas' efforts had a positive effect on FedEx stock prices, helping to open new markets. Said Smith:"Funny how things work out. We were only interested in helping these sweet creatures, and looks like it'll result in millions of windfall profits. Go figure!!"
The GOP has announced that Mr. Huntsman is going to be replaced as a GOP candidate with the pandas. This was apparently the plan for the Manchurian Candidate all along...to install the pandas in the White House and make them the leaders of the Free World. They have already shot to the top of the polls, being far more qualified (and nicer) than any of the current Republican candidates.
The one problem might be religion, since both pandas are Buddhist, and at odds with the leaders of the religious Right. Pat Robertson will make an announcement today on "The 700 Club" after he talks with God, and will decide after that conversation whether or not the pandas will get his endorsement.
Newt and Mitt have already attacked both pandas for being the illegitimate offspring of unmarried parents and for the Chinese supporting Iran during recent Middle Eastern conflicts.
Neither panda has any comment at this time, but official panda spokesperson Maury Lane is talking with both of them now and will have a press conference in Memphis today at 1500 local time with both pandas to hear their views on the controversy. The event will be held at the Memphis Pyramid, which has been painted black and white with large "FEDEX" signage all over the building. They will be transported to the press conference in the electric van, which is being equipped with a 10 foot tall billboard of the pandas, and accompanied by numerous FedEx officials, all wearing panda suits that say "FEDEX" in purple and orange.
At 1600 there will be an overflight of FedEx jets in formation and they will spell-out P-A-N-D-A in skywriting. All of the jets will be decorated in the Panda Express theme and promotional leaflets and stuffed pandas will be dropped from each aircraft.
Bamboo will be served in the Panda One room after the event.