From The Chairman: Express Profitability

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, May 23, 2013.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Team Members,

    As usual, a big Bravo Zulu to all of you for your tremendous efforts. Thanks to your incredible participation, the new DRA program is an unqualified success. We are making great strides in creating an all-new Express division, and profits and efficiency have never been higher!! Neither has morale, and a recent re-calculation shows that employee satisfaction has reached an all-time high of 2,473% over last years record SFA results. I couldn't be more proud!

    I also want to congratulate our upper management team here in Memphis. Express wouldn't be the well-oiled, flawless machine that it is without some truly excellent leadership. Our team is simply the best, and success breeds further success. P-S-P...It Works!

    One of the greatest pleasures I get from being Chairman and COO is the ability to share this success with our frontline employees, the real leaders of the Express opco. You are industrial athletes who all deserve a gold medal for your efforts and desire to fulfill the dream of the Purple Promise. With this attitude of sharing firmly in-mind, I an announcing the following enhancements to your FedEx career.

    1. Mandatory 2-hour split shifts for all FT employees: Even if it makes no sense from an operational perspective, this project is a GO! We know, from careful research, that most couriers suffer from 25% Inefficiency Syndrome, or "Payday Pace", as MT3 is fond of saying. Simply put, this is a win-win for us, because you get more time off, and we get increased efficiency, because we know that all of you are capable of 25% MORE productivity. Work harder, because we know you can do it!!

    2. Increased OLCC's and Written Warning Letters: From this point forward, any lates for any reason will result in discipline. One late will be an OLCC, and anything above that level will be a Warning Letter. This applies even if we have late freight, because the customer cannot be disappointed for any reason. Even if you leave the building at 10:00, there will be zero tolerance for late packages. All employees will need to sign a statement agreeing to comply with this new policy.

    3. Apple: From this point forward, all Apple packages will be delivered BEFORE any other packages. Apple is a very important FedEx business partner and we absolutely, positively, must satisfy this customer. We are considering extending this new policy to other customers as well, telling them that we will deliver their packages before anyone else's.

    4. October Raises: The deferred March, 2012 raises will now be deferred further to October, 2014. Until your productivity matches DRA goals, all raises will be withheld. This policy does not apply to upper management, who will all receive 5-Star Awards, huge bonuses, and new Gulfstream jets for their tremendously successful leadership and new ideas.

    5. Outsourcing: Based on the incredible cost-savings and success of our Customer Service Outsourcing Initiative, all Call Centers will now be located in Bangladesh instead of India due to lower costs. We are currently training thousands to speak English, use a computer, and serve our customers with pride and excellence.

    6. FedEx Ground: Our Ground business partners have performed beyond our wildest expectations, and we will be shortly rewarding them with the Express Saver and E2 product lines from the Express opco. Because they are truly independent partners, we will be supplying them with thousands of FedEx-hired and trained temporary drivers, who have absolutely nothing to do with FedEx. Never heard of them, never saw them, don't know anything about what they do. OK?

    7. Congressional Pay Deduction: The CPD Program will automatically deduct 2% of each weekly employee check to finance the FedEx Political Action Committee. The FEPAC program has been tremendously successful over the years, allowing us to fly larger aircraft, expand our services, and keep the RLA firmly in-place to protect you from unionization efforts. Simply put, your contributions will redouble our ability to keep your workplace union-free, and provide you with industry leading wages and benefits.

    8. New Insurance Plan Changes: Effective immediately, medical co-pays are being raised to 80% or $500, whichever is higher, and your monthly plan payroll deductions will be raised by 20%. Even though medical costs are rising at record rates, we will still provide industry leading levels of coverage at a modest cost to you.

    Remember, DRA and P-S-P only work if you do...much harder than you already do. Based on the success of DRA, more tremendous opportunities for you to excel at your job and push yourself even farther are just around the corner!

    Once again, thank you for everything you do, and Bravo Zulu to each and every FedEx Team Member.


    Frederick W. Smith
    Last edited: May 23, 2013
  2. thedownhillEXPRESS

    thedownhillEXPRESS Well-Known Member

    I like number 3 the best.

    Management lying to all the big accounts saying "you'll be the first priority".
  3. northbound

    northbound Member

  4. I Am Jacks Damaged Box

    I Am Jacks Damaged Box Well-Known Member

    Your workload is commensurate with SFA results, so expect 2,473% more work!
  5. Btn1969

    Btn1969 New Member

    Lmao that was great. I'm in a world of poo on Tuesday then. I had 9 SOS lates. 130 stops total.
  6. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    In order to save money, there will be a new self-discipline program allowing you to give yourself OLCCs and Warning Letters coming soon. "If you would just stop working at Payday Pace (waving hands), everything will be OK".
  7. Btn1969

    Btn1969 New Member

    Lmao. I can see that coming. I would give my self three warning letters and be done with this chicken sheet company!
  8. Cactus

    Cactus Just telling it like it is

    Before that I'd give myself a paid decision day.


    I was telling my 20 year old son about "decision days" and his response was "Dad, pardon my French, but WTF? Are you in elementary school? Do you need to go sit in the corner and think about what you did?" My 11 yr old daughter thought the same thing. Even kids get it.
  10. Route 66

    Route 66 Flacid Member

    absolutely - FedEx is like perpetual kindergarten.......Now, where's my cookie and drinky?
  11. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    No cookie, but you can have a Costco hot dog if the Purple Fairy taps you on the shoulder after your nap.