Happy Holidays From MT3

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Dec 24, 2011.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Team,

    Once again, you've done the impossible, and delivered the Purple Promise to millions of satisfied FedEx customers. Bravo Zulu! Your management team appreciates all of your efforts this Peak and every day. Fred, Dave, and the rest of the Memphis team wish you and your family a Happy Holiday!

    I'm also excited to announce some new programs that will taking effect January 1st in order to both enhance the customer's FedEx experience and advance your FedEx Express career.

    1. White Glove Service (WGS). Effective January 1st, all residential shipments will be attempted by couriers wearing white gloves. You are required to put on the white gloves in your vehicle, carrying the package in front of your body at all times, and place the package on top of a Purple Plush Pillow (PPP) at the front door. Package may not be carried under your arms, at your sides, or on a handtruck. They must be presented to the customer and placed with the airbill or ASTRA label facing the door. A mint on top is optional, but if a mint is chosen you must use official FedEx mints and sign out for each mint with your AM Gatekeeper. Unused mints may not be eaten, and must be accounted for at the end of each day on your FAM report.

    2 Support A Driver (SAD). As you know, FedEx is proud to pay the lowest wages in the industry, and many of our employees actually qualify for public assistance programs. You may choose a Ground driver (SAG) or an Express courier (SAC), and you can elect a contribution percentage on your weekly check from between 1 and 10%.

    3. Habitat for Inhumanity (HFI) The HFI program requires each hourly employee to donate at least 2 days per year of unpaid time and participate in the HFI program. You will help build a home for a needy FedEx Ground family and then be given a T-shirt with the HFI logo and the "FedEx Cares" slogan on it. A Costco hot dog and soda pop lunch will be provided, and at the end of the day you will be forced to all stand together and shout "FedEx Cares!!" and say something meaningful to our Frontline film crew.

    4. Courier Restroom Accomplishment Practices (CRAP) As you know, restroom breaks cost FedEx an enormous amount of money each year. We need to reduce the amount of time each of you spend taking care of bodily functions on-road. Effective January 1st, you must code your restroom breaks on your PowerPad. The code for Number 1 is 0101 and you must complete this task in 30 seconds or less. The code for Number 2 is 0102 and you have 60 seconds to complete this function. Your manager will be distributing materials to teach you methods for performing both Number 1 and Number 2 more efficiently. Our ultimate goal is to get to the Number 3, which means you can accomplish both tasks in 30 seconds or less. A CRAP report will be run on every employee each day and any time taken over the allotted amounts will be subtracted from your paycheck.

    5. REROADS We are working with our engineers to get the ROADS program to provide a sticker that gets the package within a range of at least 2 routes from the actual route the package is intended for. Engineers will continue to input faulty information, but it will be less faulty than before,so the package has an actual chance of reaching your vehicle.

    6. Rappin' With Matt We are going to invite actual couriers to come to Memphis and ask me (MT3) pre-scripted questions, to which I will provide pre-scripted answers. No questions may be asked about pay, benefits, or discipline. You may also email me questions, which we will alter at will and then provide non-answers or lies at our discretion.

    7. IamFedEx This highly successful program will continue, but we are going to be even more selective in choosing the suck-ups who get to appear on video.


    Finally, it's come to my attention that some of you in the field think that your upper management team isn't very connected with field operations. That's not true!! Just this last week, I actually saw a FedEx vehicle as my limo took me to work, and I recently touched a package in my annual PR trip to the Memphis Hub.

    You know, we work hard at delivering the Purple Promise too, and sometimes we have tough days. For example, on Tuesday, my Ethiopian Javanese coffee blend wasn't available on the corporate jet. Plus, the leather seats clashed with my suit. My limousine is now 2 years old, and my yearly bonus was slashed from $1.25 million to $1.1 million. Luckily, my interest-free loans allowed me to take up the slack in my lifestyle.

    Again, BZ for everything you do for FedEx Express and our customers. Happy Holidays!!

    Sincerely,

    Matthew Thornton III
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2011
  2. snackdad

    snackdad New Member

    Oh my God, you are the king of this board!!! Thanks for all you do. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to you and everyone else on these forums. Thanks for a real good laugh!
     
  3. DOWNTRODDEN IN TEXAS

    DOWNTRODDEN IN TEXAS Active Member

    ROFLMAO!!! I actually wear a pair of white gloves to deliver in!! They're the nice ones with the grey grippy palms that I had to beg from one of my FO customers because apparently my station no longer has a budget for PPE's.
     
  4. FedExer267

    FedExer267 Member

    That was a great read MFE!!!! Merry Christmas!!!
     
  5. Monkey Butt

    Monkey Butt You can call me Chappy Staff Member

    That was good MFE. Very creative.
     
  6. Cactus

    Cactus Just telling it like it is

    Laughing so hard I can hardly type this.

    Thanks for the laugh MFE.
     
  7. whenIgetthere

    whenIgetthere Well-Known Member

    LMAO!!!!!
     
  8. FED UPs

    FED UPs New Member

    manager will be distributing materials to teach you methods for performing both Number 1 and Number 2 more efficiently. Our ultimate goal is to get to the Number 3, which means you can accomplish both tasks in 30 seconds or less. A CRAP report will be run on every employee each day and any time taken over the allotted amounts will be subtracted from your paycheck
    HaHAhahahahahaha!....HAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  9. Mr. 7

    Mr. 7 The monkey on the left.

    I LOVE the acronyms.
     
  10. mkcrod

    mkcrod Member

    You are "Master of the verble Ballet!"
     
  11. Disgruntled2

    Disgruntled2 Member

    LOVED it! Perfect!
     
  12. Lucho Kaiser

    Lucho Kaiser New Member

    So Perfect, well done and happy holidays!!
     
  13. franknitty

    franknitty Member

    Management has been trying to make us go into a break code at our station if ppl need to take a bathroom break at our station while the sort is going on ! Screw that !