Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

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Little Lord Jesus

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy replied, "Well about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

 

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Bad comments to get on your test .....


10. See me after class.
9. Did you even read the material?
8. It's a C, but it's a strong C.
7. Fascinatingly convoluted.
6. My, what nice, big margins!
5. You must've been up all last night.
4. The book ends differently than the movie.
3. Spelling requires more than just sounding it out.
2. Are you familiar with the term "plagiarism"?
1. Tell your mom to try harder.

 

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Three Wishes

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized. "I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered. "Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived.

About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."

 

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Wise King Solomon

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

 

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I Did Like You Said

Scott and Glenn were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

Scott said to Glenn, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can locate you."

After about 3 hours, Glenn found that he was really lost. He decided to fire three shots into the air like Scott told him. He then waited an hour and did it again. He repeated this until he was out of ammo.

The next morning, Scott found him with the help of forest rangers. He asked Glenn if he had followed the instructions.

Glenn answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows

 

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Something For The House

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about

3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

'Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered,

"Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

 

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A Cure for Snoring

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh

 

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I Reckon So

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road.

Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

 

[moreluck]

The Lawyer and The Engineer

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked “How do you start a flood?”.

 

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Bad Weather

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

 

[moreluck]

Christmas Eve Duel

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having a long drawn out duel on Christmas Eve. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared at him.
"I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach.

"How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"

Darth Vader snarled, "The force is strong with me... I felt your presents."

 

[moreluck]

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

· Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

· Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

· Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

· Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

· All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

· Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Merry Christmas.

 

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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

 

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This is What She Needs

A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."

 

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Swerve to Avoid a Box

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

 

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Biblical Bloopers

What follows are Old Testament bloopers from Sunday school students:

~ In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

~ Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

~ Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

~ Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.

~ Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

~ The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

~ Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

~ Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

~ Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

~ Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

~ The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

~ The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

~ The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

~ Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

~ The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him

~ David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

~ Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

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Directions.........

A man driving to visit relatives, got lost on a rural Wyoming road. He sees a local and stops.

"Does this road go to Laramie?"

"I dunno."

"Is there a place near here with phone reception so I can make a call?"

"I dunno."

"Well how about a nearby drugstore or town - can you tell me how far away one might be?"

"Nope."

"You don't know much do you?"

"Nope - but I aint lost."

 

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Really Bad Day

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' And then the fight started...