Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Albert Einstein


Albert Einstein was once selected "Man of the Century" by Time Magazine for his Theory of Relativity. Here is some of his "down-to-earth" wit and wisdom:

If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

A + B + C = Success if, A = Hard Work, B = Hard Play, C = Keeping your mouth shut.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That's relativity.

God is subtle, but he is not malicious

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

 

[moreluck]

 

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Grandpa


Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

 

[moreluck]

Guido the Rich

Guido's first job when he got to the United States was sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work, Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of 50 pizza stores.

Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge mansion built for himself.

Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room.

One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!"

The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is, promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room.

Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong, sir?"

"Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries.

The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir, just like you asked!"

Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna da 'halo statues'!"

"Sir?"

"You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna you say, 'Halo? Stat you?"

 

[moreluck]

Rejected Science Fair Projects posted:


-- just HOW poisonous are poisonous snakes?
-- Which household products are most flammable?
-- Which hurts more: falling off the slide or being pushed off the slide?
-- Which tools are sharper: kitchen or garage?
-- can sharks hunt a human?
-- What happens if I stick my hand in this?
-- HOW many ways can you break an arm over summer vacation?
-- HOW many goldfish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-- can dogs fly?

 

[moreluck]

Psychology Courses

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course in college.

"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

 

[moreluck]

Little Johnny


Little Johnny comes home from school at the end of a term from school with his report card. The report card has all D's and friend's.

His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that everyone in his class did poorly not just him.

"But what about David down the street," they said, "he brought home all A's and B's"

"Well David is different." He retorted

"How so?" His father asked.

"'Cuz his parents are smart!"

 

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North vs. South


A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."

A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"

"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

 

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A Proper Tip

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

 

[moreluck]

Church Ingredients

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the “Children's Moments Sermon”. One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example.

He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.

Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, “If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?”

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. “Six less grams of fat,” he replied.

 

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Mud Bath


A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

 

[moreluck]

Dinner Order


A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night.

The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And for the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

 

[moreluck]

California Living

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked

"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

 

[moreluck]

In A Timely Fashion

It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.

"If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."

 

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Thank You

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Ralphie said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays, "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."

"That's great," smiled his uncle, "Have you learned how to play it yet?"

"Oh, I don't play it," Ralphie said, "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

 

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Taking the No 5 Bus

Trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle, Lorenzo and Katarina went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.

"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" said one guest.

Katarina, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Lorenzo was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally Katarina turned to him: "You're angry about something."

"Oh, really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"

 

[moreluck]

Movember Celebration...

I won't be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for how lazy I am.

Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard....or is it just so you don't lose your place ?

Your beard is too long when the comments turn from "Hey! I really like your beard!" into "Hey!...a beard!"

While you're honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I'll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up.


(The Movember Foundation challenges men to grow moustaches during Movember (formerly known as November), to spark conversation and raise vital funds for its men’s health programs. To date, 4 million moustaches have been grown worldwide, but we won't stop growing as long as serious men’s health issues exist.)

 

[moreluck]

To Be In An Orchestra

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

[moreluck]

A Rare Find


My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA.

Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look, then replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."

 

[moreluck]

Two Plus Two

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."