R
robonono
Guest
Feel free. I received it via email this AM, and sent it to my friends immediately.
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C
cheryl
Guest
robonono,
The timing of my first viewing of your post was really remarkable, I had just heard that my sister was in labor... eerie was a good description of that moment too...
(Message edited by cheryl on September 20, 2002)
The timing of my first viewing of your post was really remarkable, I had just heard that my sister was in labor... eerie was a good description of that moment too...
(Message edited by cheryl on September 20, 2002)
R
robonono
Guest
OK, where's Rod Serling hiding?
M
moreluck
Guest
Puns...
21. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
22. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
23. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
24. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
25. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
26. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
27. Some people don't like food going to waist.
28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
29. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
30. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
21. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
22. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
23. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
24. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
25. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
26. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
27. Some people don't like food going to waist.
28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
29. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
30. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
M
moreluck
Guest
Puns...
1. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
2. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
3. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
4. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
5. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
6. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
8. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
10. If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.
1. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
2. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
3. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
4. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
5. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
6. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
8. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
10. If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.
R
robonono
Guest
Famous Sayings...
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"If it wasn't for pickpockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L
convertible."
Unknown
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
Marilyn Pittman
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
Mae West
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. "
Robin Williams
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
A Mom
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"If it wasn't for pickpockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L
convertible."
Unknown
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
Marilyn Pittman
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
Mae West
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. "
Robin Williams
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
A Mom
M
moreluck
Guest
Job Poem
My job is full of heartaches and no wonder I am blue,
It's terrible the awful things that I'm supposed to do.
And if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a virtuous miss,
I wouldn't have the nerve to even finish this.
I had no way of knowing the way the shopmen talk,
But now a dozen times a day my modesty is shocked.
The fellows crowd around me like a lot of crazy fools,
Until they have me dizzy handing out their gosh darn tools.
I don't mind the decent tools, like wrenches, drills and shears,
But what some fellows ask for makes me red behind the ears.
The man repairing bearings comes and asks to see my balls,
And then he laughs and stares at me until the next man calls.
They ask for roosters to fit on pipes, for counter bores and tits,
And when they ask me for a screw, it scares me into fits,
They come and ask for reamers to enlarge their small holes,
They're driving me plumb crazy; darn their rotten souls.
They ask me for a ratchet bit and for bastard files.
They always make dirty cracks as through the screen they smile.
They ask me for a female gauge, and it's a sad, sad, tale,
Because I can't tell the damn things from a male.
One fellow finds his tool too short, another is too long,
The next one says his tool is weak, another one's too strong.
One fellow asked me for waste to wipe a plumber's c*ck,
And when I nearly fainted, all he did was gawk.
A foreman looking 'round one day for tools to cut a slot,
Said "Open up your drawers, girl, and show me what you got."
Another came up to me as I returned from lunch,
And asked me with a grin, if I had seen his big prick punch.
And speaking of embarrassment, never shall I forget,
The day the payman asked, "Have you a monthly yet?"
Now how the hell was I to know he meant my monthly check;
By the time they saved him, I'd darned near broke his neck.
I hate to be a quitter, folks will say I lack the guts,
But if I stay another, day this place will drive me nuts.
I really want to do my bit, and that's no doggon bull
But you can have this tool room job; I've got my belly full.
My job is full of heartaches and no wonder I am blue,
It's terrible the awful things that I'm supposed to do.
And if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a virtuous miss,
I wouldn't have the nerve to even finish this.
I had no way of knowing the way the shopmen talk,
But now a dozen times a day my modesty is shocked.
The fellows crowd around me like a lot of crazy fools,
Until they have me dizzy handing out their gosh darn tools.
I don't mind the decent tools, like wrenches, drills and shears,
But what some fellows ask for makes me red behind the ears.
The man repairing bearings comes and asks to see my balls,
And then he laughs and stares at me until the next man calls.
They ask for roosters to fit on pipes, for counter bores and tits,
And when they ask me for a screw, it scares me into fits,
They come and ask for reamers to enlarge their small holes,
They're driving me plumb crazy; darn their rotten souls.
They ask me for a ratchet bit and for bastard files.
They always make dirty cracks as through the screen they smile.
They ask me for a female gauge, and it's a sad, sad, tale,
Because I can't tell the damn things from a male.
One fellow finds his tool too short, another is too long,
The next one says his tool is weak, another one's too strong.
One fellow asked me for waste to wipe a plumber's c*ck,
And when I nearly fainted, all he did was gawk.
A foreman looking 'round one day for tools to cut a slot,
Said "Open up your drawers, girl, and show me what you got."
Another came up to me as I returned from lunch,
And asked me with a grin, if I had seen his big prick punch.
And speaking of embarrassment, never shall I forget,
The day the payman asked, "Have you a monthly yet?"
Now how the hell was I to know he meant my monthly check;
By the time they saved him, I'd darned near broke his neck.
I hate to be a quitter, folks will say I lack the guts,
But if I stay another, day this place will drive me nuts.
I really want to do my bit, and that's no doggon bull
But you can have this tool room job; I've got my belly full.
M
moreluck
Guest
Tips To Survive Parenting!
Motherhood ~ If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.
The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.
Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: the time when all the children are finally in bed.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.
God gave you two ears and one mouth.... so you should listen twice as much as you talk.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
There are only two things a child will share willingly, communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
Motherhood ~ If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.
The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.
Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: the time when all the children are finally in bed.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.
God gave you two ears and one mouth.... so you should listen twice as much as you talk.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
There are only two things a child will share willingly, communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
M
moreluck
Guest
Bad Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage again! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened her lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
Next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The blonde opens her lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to her death, too.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turns and stares at the blonde's husband.
"Hey, don't look at me" he says. "She makes her own lunch."
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage again! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened her lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
Next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The blonde opens her lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to her death, too.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turns and stares at the blonde's husband.
"Hey, don't look at me" he says. "She makes her own lunch."
M
moreluck
Guest
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
M
moreluck
Guest
Here's the Top Ten ways you know you have PMS:
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says, "How's my driving call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there is a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says, "How's my driving call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there is a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
M
moreluck
Guest
Don't Look At Me.....
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of equine flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of equine flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
R
robonono
Guest
Dialing God?
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3-16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3-16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
M
moreluck
Guest
Divorce At 100 M.P.H.
>
> A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the
>wife
> behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says,
> "Honey,I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a
> divorce."
>
> The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He
> then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because
>I've
> been
> having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than
> you are."
>
> Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I
> want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds
> up, to eighty mph.
>
> He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and
>faster.
> By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank
> accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to
> veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
>
> This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything
> you want?"
>
> The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
>
> "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
>
> Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife
>smiles
> and says, "The airbag."
>
>
> A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the
>wife
> behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says,
> "Honey,I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a
> divorce."
>
> The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He
> then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because
>I've
> been
> having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than
> you are."
>
> Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I
> want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds
> up, to eighty mph.
>
> He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and
>faster.
> By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank
> accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to
> veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
>
> This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything
> you want?"
>
> The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
>
> "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
>
> Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife
>smiles
> and says, "The airbag."
>
M
moreluck
Guest
MARRIED LIFE
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
M
moreluck
Guest
Old Age & Treachery....
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
Old age & treachery will triumph over youth & skill!
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
Old age & treachery will triumph over youth & skill!
M
moreluck
Guest
Dennis Miller said recently, regarding the judges who declared
the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean $hi+."
the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean $hi+."
M
moreluck
Guest
Painful Puns...
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Why won't melons elope to Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Why won't melons elope to Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.
M
moreluck
Guest
The Five Worst Questions Asked by Women...
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to a Sassy Magazine article, the best answer to this question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to a Sassy Magazine article, the best answer to this question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
R
robonono
Guest
Medical Warning
The AMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is now projected that by
the year 2015 there will be fifty-million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
The AMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is now projected that by
the year 2015 there will be fifty-million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
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