One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

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Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover

 

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A redneck goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist, "I got a hot date tonight, and I need me some protection. How much is a pack of them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds, "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"Tacks!" the shocked redneck says. "Don't they stay on by themselves?"

 

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A man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he has money in the bank.

He replied "No money in the bank."

The nun asked " Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said "Just a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun, slightly preturbed, said "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

 

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A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."

 

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“I went to my doctor and told the receptionist that I felt like a deck of cards. She said, 'Have a seat, and the doctor will deal with you when he can.'”

 

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"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

 

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Each evening bird-lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

 

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A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the driver’s window and asks, "You drinkin'?”
The driver said, “Well that depends - You buyin’?”

 

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“I've been eating a lot of pasta lately I think it's becoming a part of my daily rotini!”

 

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While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched roosters."
"What a coincidence,"

 

[moreluck]

Things that make you go hmmmmmm...

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help 'groups'?

 

[moreluck]

I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'mfinished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!

 

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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that ?"

 

[moreluck]

I'M NO BIRD EXPERT...
I'M NO BIRD EXPERT BUT I'M GUESSING 4 FEMALES AND 1 MALE

 

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An 'acceptable' level of unemployment means that the economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

 

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The Marine general went to the doctor for his annual physical. Among the questions his doctor asked was "When was the last time you made love?"
"Oh," mused the general, "1945".
"That long ago?" asked the doctor.
"It's not so bad," said the general, pointing to his watch. "It's only 21:13."

 

[moreluck]

My fitness goal: I would like to stop looking like I'm wearing a bulletproof vest all the time. ~Patton Oswalt~

 

[moreluck]

My favorite thing to do at the gym is leave!
~Lisa Goodwin~