One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.
The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.
Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "
The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance."

 

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“I mixed up the cardiac resuscitation equipment with the lie detector, but I will de-fib you later.”

 

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Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"

 

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One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.
A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."
"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

 

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Been working 25/7 on some new daylight saving time jokes. -Ken Jennings-

 

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Friends are like Snowflakes ...

...if you pee on them they go away


I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too hi

She looked surprised.


Never go shopping when you are hungry.

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier

 

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A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"
The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"
The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"

 

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When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

 

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Our new neighbors thought our Wi-Fi was our last name. So when they gave us a Christmas card, they addressed it to "The Linksys Family".

 

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A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

 

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Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaadddy!"

 

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“Did you hear about the lost sausage? It was the missing link.”