UPS Jokes

Discussion in 'Lighten UPS' started by dammor, Apr 9, 2007.

  1. dammor

    dammor Active Member

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
    Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
    amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
    mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
    Both said they were very much in favor of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
    10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
    But, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
    go ahead and kick it up a notch.

    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
    still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure
    and was amazed at how well he was doing.

    At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
    quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife
    considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to
    him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the
    husband had experienced none. She and the husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, they found the UPS man dead on the porch.....
     
  2. over9five

    over9five Moderator Staff Member

    Re: Jokes

    LOL! Nice.
     
  3. wily_old_vet

    wily_old_vet New Member

    Re: Jokes

    ROFLMAO!! Glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read that or I'd be cleaning my monitor screen right now.:thumbup1:
     
  4. cheryl

    cheryl I started this. Staff Member

    One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

    "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

    Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild."

    "Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
    The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

    "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through :censored2: in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

    The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

    "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times..."
     
  5. DS

    DS Fenderbender

    A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention
    in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When
    he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
    house?"


    "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."


    "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"


    "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."


    Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
    down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
    shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
    where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."


    The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"


    "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."


    "That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
    looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
    "I'd like her for the night."


    "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85
    year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
     
  6. heres a great one :
    what do you get if you cross UPS and FEDEX ??
    fedup ha ha ha :lol:
    it still kills at parties !!!!!
     
  7. Insta Gator

    Insta Gator New Member

    Two UPS Managers and a
    Teamster were out fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus
    walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

    When the astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the
    first Manager asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back
    pain ever since I had this car accident 5 years ago... could
    you help me?" "Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he
    touched the Manager’s back, he felt relief for the first
    time in years.

    The second Manager, who was suffering from a
    work related stress disorder, asked if Jesus could do
    anything about his anxiety. Jesus smiled, and placed his
    hand on the Managers arm and the Manager instantly felt at
    peace with the world.

    When Jesus turned to the Teamster, the
    Teamster put his hands up and screamed, "Don't touch me! I'm
    on long-term disability!"
     
  8. J Steven Schadel

    J Steven Schadel New Member

    The postman always rings twice, but the UPS guy comes 3 times!
     
  9. corndog

    corndog CEO of UPS

    Weak...
     
  10. upsgrunt

    upsgrunt Well-Known Member

    Not weak- DEAD!
    At least it should be.
     
  11. John19841

    John19841 Member

    Anyone have anything new? I've heard all these, and not just once...
     
  12. cachsux

    cachsux Wah

    OK,heres one.
    A DTS sup and his trainee drive into the CACH yard and proceed to post trip their set. They check hub heat,z scan all the marker lights,undo all the hoses and chains,follow all safety procedures as they uncouple and pull the front box away. And...prompletly drop the back box on its nose because they failed to crank the legs down on their walk around.



    Hmm...I guess it`s funnier when you`re there.
     
  13. BLACKBOX

    BLACKBOX Life is a Highway...

    There were four golfers on the course one day. While one of the golfers was off looking for his ball, the first golfer says, yup..my son is doing well he is a DM at UPS, in fact he doing so well he just bought his friend a home. The second golder says my son is a Sales Manager for UPS bought a beautiful AUDI 2010 for his friend. The third golfer chimed my son is a Corp. lawyer for UPS and is doing so well he gave his friend a fully funded stock portfolio!

    After a little while the fourth golfer finally joins them.The three looks and him and says "So? How's your son doing?". The Dad dejectedly looks down and says well you know my son is gay..but he's doing quite well. Just recently he received a new house,a great new car and a loaded stock portfolio!
     
  14. soberups

    soberups Pees in the brown Koolaid

    Q- How many supervisors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A- Only one...but IE says he has to change 19.42237 BPH (Bulbs Per Hour). Most of the bulbs wont fit, IE wont give him a big enough ladder, and according to EDD he has to drag the ladder in circles all over the room intsead of moving from one fixture to the next in a straight line.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2009
  15. soberups

    soberups Pees in the brown Koolaid

    Q--How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A--Eight. You got a fuc%&ng problem with that? :laughing: