From The Chairman: Healthcare Plan Changes

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Jul 12, 2013.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Team Members,

    First of all, Bravo Zulu, You Are #1, and we appreciate your efforts to live and fulfill The Purple Promise. Second, as you know, health care costs are soaring and show no signs of slowing down. Our own research indicates that they have risen 2,047% in FY 2012 alone, and will probably rise 11,167% in FY 2013. We have a strong commitment at FedEx to providing an exceptional benefits package at moderate cost, and I'm pleased to announce some exciting enhancements to your outstanding Medical Program.

    You know, I've had a chronic incontinence problem for many years now, and good health care is very important to me personally. In my case, I crap my pants, and it gets worse when I lie, so when I spoke to a group of employees recently I had a horrific shat attack in which I couldn't stop soiling myself. Jesus, I thought that Hoover Dam had broken. Anyway, I rushed to the phone to call the CIGNA Nurse Hotline (damn, I'm filling my pants), because as you know, your Leadership Team and pilots have the EXACT SAME medical coverage as you do!! (God...I need another Depends,'s running into my shoe!!) So, after 35 tries someone answered the phone, and the CIGNA janitor directed me to fly directly to The Mayo Clinic in my personal jet for emergency treatment. After some experimental gene therapy and some Moon dust injections, I was doing fine. My net cost...$50 for the specialist. Overall cost? $3.5 M, and that's exactly how you would be treated if you were ill (damn, another relapse...get the Airwick Pine Scent going, would you Dano?).

    After all of this happened, I was sitting around my Washington DC mansion with Congressman Paul Ryan discussing corporate profits and healthcare. Over caviar and Dom Perignon, Paul suddenly grabbed my shoulder and said "Fred, the answer is vouchers!!". And,by God, HE IS RIGHT!. You lazy douchebags have been costing me profits for years with all of your pesky illnesses and diseases and it's high time we get it under control! This was the genesis for the changes that are happening, changes that will put YOU directly in control of your health care,and ME directly in control of more money. I proudly offer the following enhancements to your FedEx Medical Benefits Portfolio! "Atlas" has shrugged, and he is dumping you all in the toilet where you belong. If you'd just work harder and faster, NONE of this would be necessary because you'd all be bootstrapping Republican achievers instead of a bunch of lazy, DRA-wrecking slackers! Sorry...I digress.

    1. Depending on the plan you choose, you will be issued a voucher for health care costs. That's right, free money from me to use on medical costs however you want, but only up to these following limits. Plan A will be $400 per year, and Plan B will be $800 per year. That is for the employee, spouse, and all dependents. After that, it's all on you. 100% of all healthcare costs will be the responsibility of the employee AFTER the generous voucher amount has been used.

    2. The Medical Analysis Decision (MAD) Program will be instituted immediately at all FedEx facilities. A specially trained and certified manager will assess your degree of sickness and decide whether or not you need treatment and/or can be allowed to go home sick that day. Basically, if your temperature is under 96 degrees or over 106 degrees, you are immediately eligible for being released from duty. Other serious conditions or illnesses will be considered, but there is no guarantee that you will be allowed to go home...unless you die.

    3. There will be some very minor exceptions to the new Medical Program. The following conditions are NOT covered:

    ANY condition that affects any part of your body.

    As you can see, we have kept top-notch coverage at very minimal cost to the employee, thanks to Congressman Ryan and his outstanding idea. Our profits will rise and you have my word that every penny will be plowed-back into the Ground...err, Express division in order to improve the already outstanding work environment (fart,dribble,BLAAAM!).

    Once again, thanks for everything you do and for the sacrifices you make to make me even richer and more powerful. With all of the extra profits I can buy even more politicians and create even more laws and regulations that suit the needs of my business. Profit, Profit, and more Profit!! I am the great and powerful Oz, I am the Second, I am just wonderful.


    Frederick Weasel Smith
  2. SmithBarney

    SmithBarney Well-Known Member