Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Trapped

On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked.

"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."

 

[moreluck]

Did you hear about the hurricane that hit New Jersey and inflicted $11 million worth of improvements?

 

[moreluck]

Tourist Guide
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross a mid-western state such as Wisconsin, Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwest, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your new Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Step on it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped - by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for. . . bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. You stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates go two ways. Pick one and use it.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. . . his name is "Sir". . . no matter how young he may look.

 

[moreluck]

"This week Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has nar- rowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television." --Conan O'Brien

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=arial,helvetica]THE HALF WIT

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The New Mexico Wage &Hour Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well" replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.


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[moreluck]

More You Might Be a Redneck if...

• Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare.
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
• Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
• You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
• You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
• You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
• Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
• You call your boss "Buddy or Cuz", on a regular basis.

 

[moreluck]

Speaking Clearly

Born and raised in Boston aristocracy, the traveler always felt it his duty to correct the language of those around him.

In line at an airline counter in Atlanta, an unintelligible rush of language, dialect and other jargon confronted him. Thoroughly confused, he didn't know where to start the inevitable criticism.

Finally, in exasperation, he observed, "I do wish you Southerners would speak English."

"We do," replied the young woman behind the counter.

"Well, it's not the King's English," he protested.

"Sure it is," the woman responded. "Elvis was a Southerner."

 

[moreluck]

How to say "I Love You" in 9 languages

• English - I Love You
• Spanish - Te Amo
• French - Je T'aime
• German - lch Liebe Dich
• Japanese - Ai ****e Imasu
• Italian - Ti Amo
• Chinese - Wo Ai Ni
• Swedish - Jag Alskar
• Redneck - Nice butt. Get in the truck.

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck if...

You have a brother named Bubba, Jimbo or Junior.


All your sisters have two first names.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer bobby pins to Q-tips.
Your father encourages you to quit school because cousin Billy Bob did, and he lives in a double-wide.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.

 

[moreluck]

Bible Story ...

A Sunday school class was being quizzed on the prodigal son. The teacher asked one youngster, "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned home?"

The boy gave it a lot of deep thought, then said, "The fatted calf."

 

[moreluck]

Math Symbols

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalk- board and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"

 

[moreluck]

Beer or Women.....a man's dilemma

1. A beer is always wet, a woman isn't.
1 point for beer!

2. Beer is horrible when it is hot.
1 point for women!

3. A cold beer satisfies you.
1 point for beer!

4. If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again.
Draw! (it depends on your point of view...)

5. 10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere!
1 point for women!

6. The older beer is, the better.
1 point for beer!

7. Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God!
1 point for women!

8. If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you're normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you're alcoholic.
1 point for women!

9. Removing the sticker off a beer is fun, but removing women's underwear is funner!
1 point for women!

10. For a beer you pay taxes.
1 point for women!

11. If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry.
1 point for beer!

12. You can always be sure that you're the first one "opening" a beer.
1 point for beer!

13. If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself.
1 point for beer!

14. You know exactly how much a beer costs.
1 point for beer!

15. A beer doesn't have a mother.
1 point for beer!

16. You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after.
1 point for beer! FINAL SCORE: Beer beats women. (9 to 6)
If you're a women and are getting angry, think that a beer wouldn't.
Another point for beer! Final score: 10 to 6.

 

[traveler]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?


Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be

found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small

children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes

around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises

Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock

40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he

reaches you and your family. What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his

hand? What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of

message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on,

could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier,

healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few

days and try to come to a consensus.




Republican's Answer:




BANG!




Southerner's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click


Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or

Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"


Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxiderm ist!"

 

[moreluck]

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

 

[moreluck]

Thoughts for the rest of 2006

No. 9 - Life is sexually transmitted.
No. 8 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
No. 7 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
No. 6 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
No. 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
No. 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
No. 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
No. 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE No. 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the UK but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

[moreluck]

Elephant ...

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and stared at him intently. For a long minute the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[moreluck]

Car Wash...

When Stan wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."

 

[moreluck]

Little Boy ...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles whilst taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

 

[moreluck]

The Knob

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon For a face-lift. The surgeon
told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small Knob is placed
on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up Her skin to produce
the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob." Over
the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob, and the effects
were wonderful, and the Woman remained young-looking and vibrant. After
fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these
years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn The knob many
times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't
get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't
bags, those are your breasts."

"Well," She said, "I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

 

[moreluck]

Global Warming
Global warming has been getting a bad rap lately. But what's so terrible about having more oceans, no winters, and year-round sun tans? Before you write off the coming climate change, check out our 25 reasons why there's nothing like a nice warm globe.

1. Minnesota can change its license plate slogan from "**** hole" to "The State with Two Coasts."
2. Kansas will finally get what it deserves: a hurricane.
3. Saying "I hate winter" will be like saying "I hate Father's Day", cause it only lasts 24 hours.
4. No more penguins.
5. The hotter it is, the colder beer'll taste.
6. "Sunny Alaska" will replace "Burny Florida" as the new winter vacation destination.
7. It will take a lot less time to boil water.
8. You'll finally get some use out of that ark you got for Christmas.
9. Hot Tubs will be replaced with Ice Tubs - which will mean lots and lots of hard nips.
10. Everyone will be so tan that we'll all look like Arabs. And then there won't be any more racism.
11. One word: Waterworld.
12. Another great excuse to hang out in your underwear 24/7/365.
13. Mexicans will start heading south instead of north.
14. You'll be able have engine block eggs without starting your engine.
15. The Olympic torch will never go out.
16. Due to the lack of ice, hockey will finally become the the sport it was meant to be: a bunch of guys hitting each other with sticks under water.
17. There's no forest fires in the ocean.
18. The phrase "hot as hell" will no longer be hyperbole.
19. You'll be able to roast your nuts without an open fire.
20. Since they're called the "Boys of Summer", baseball will be played year round.
21. You'll be able to really put your Degree deodorant to the test, just like in the commercial.
22. It'll be as hot as the south everywhere, so naturally, everyone will become as funny as Jeff Foxworthy and Larry The Cable guy. We'll laugh ourselves into world peace.
23. You'll be able to give hot rock massages to ladies you just met in the park.
24. If the entire world floods and we're forced to live underwater, maybe we'll meet Poseidon.
25. We'll all figure out there's nothing beneficial about global warming.